Dear Blog,

I respect the hell out of you, blog... and we've been through a lot of shit together...  but I think it might be time to start anew. It's nothing to do with you... It's just time for me to sew my wild oats and grow... in different forums.

Thank you for all you've given me and all the growth you've provided. I'm sorry for bitching and whining so much. I'll treasure you always.

Love,
Mella

TILT: Sending Christy Off to London Edition

In spite of the fact that I'm sad... I'm going to do a TILT.

the horror of our love • watching christy's dream come true (even if i get left behind) • michelle, who taught me how to crochet and, therefore, assisted me in my dream to become molly weasley • how my hair looks today • my bed! that air mattress and i had issues • the feeling of getting everything ready for college early • the knowledge that i get to go to harry potter premiere with some of my best friends • the wanderlust i have (though it makes me so depressed i've never been anywhere, i'm glad to know i do have that desire) • making plans for the future with my best friends • looking at flights, even if i can't take them • music, in general • teen books • peeta mellark • my friends 

I just want it to be known I'm heartbroken right now. 

Christy's gone off to have one of the biggest adventures of her life and  I'm left behind... It was really hard to see her off... not just because I'll miss and worry about her but because I wish I was going with her. 

Revelations While Reading about WWII.

So, for the past few days, I've been reading a book called Citizens of London. It's about Americans who supported Britain during the war before America joined it. It's a highly interesting book and I find myself falling in love with John Gilbert Winant with each passing page.

The reason I like Winant is because he was such a good person. He was an idealist and I'd like to be like him when I'm fully an adult.

Some people thought he was naive and I'm sure people will think I am as well, but he genuinely wanted the best for all people. Though he was rich, he wanted fairness for the working class.

Anyway, after thinking about Winant and my adoration for him, I've decided... I am idealistic now. I'm at that age where I'm learning how to think for myself and it's wonderful. I'm liberal in a lot of my views and I am truly an idealist. I believe in fairness, I believe in treating everyone well, I believe in good vibes and helping people... I know that eventually the world will probably ruin my optimism and I'll lose my tendency towards hopefulness, but right now, I'm just glad I have it.

I'm proud to be an idealist. I know that's not how the world works, but I can still hold onto my hope that it will work that way eventually...

That's really all I had to say.

Love,
Mella

So, I'm apparently a 13-17 year old girl.

According to this website that can magically discover your sex, age and happiness, I am a depressed 13-17 year old girl.

I mean, it seems like it, doesn't it?

I'm so depressed all the time. I have self esteem issues and I'm such a disappointment to everyone.

I'm not even going to bother saying what's wrong, it's the same shit, different day.

And I both do and do not want to hear the optimism. Mainly because I know that it's just being sad because I'm depressed. :/

FML.

Just a Brief Collection of Things I Hate;

Mella (1:22:01 AM): I think I'm hideous because I'm fat, my hair never does what I want it to do, it's not even it's natural color, I have fifteen chins, my nose isn't straight and it's stupid looking, I have thin, dry lips, my teeth are yellow and there's too much of them so I show too much gum when I smile, my smile is hideous, my neck has that weird rash, which leads down my chest, my breasts are too big and gross, my arms are huge, my fingers are fat, I have weird freckles and moles on my arms plus that weird thing my skin does where it's bumpy.
Mella (1:22:54 AM): Not to mention my fat belly. I have no ass. Let's not get me started on how insecure I am about my privates. My thighs are disgustingly huge. My knees have weird freckles, my skin is dry and yucky on my legs plus my calves are huge, my feet are hideous, too and I barely have any toenails.
Mella (1:23:10 AM): Oh and then there's the fact that I'm blind so I have to wear glasses.
Mella (1:23:15 AM): And I'm sure there's more.
...
Mella (1:44:26 AM): I think what bothers me most is that there's no argument.
Mella (1:44:46 AM): I mean, I know that I want to hear that I'm not hideous.
Mella (1:45:02 AM): But being not hideous and being beautiful are, again, too seperate things.
Mella (1:45:09 AM): I named off almost every single thing I hate about myself.
Mella (1:45:20 AM): And the only thing I do like is my eyes. And that's very rare.
Mella (1:45:24 AM): Because they're my mother's eyes.
Mella (1:45:40 AM): Nothing about me is beautiful.
Mella (1:45:57 AM): My tanline is uneven and I have the palest legs ever.
Mella (1:46:07 AM): I have scars on my thigh and my wrist.
Mella (1:46:12 AM): And my fingers.
Mella (1:46:19 AM): My fat fingers, which are too fat for rings.

I really am completely unattractive. :/

Just Ignore.

I've been having a string of depressing days here lately.

I just can't find anything to be happy about... I mean, I have things to be happy about (my friends being most important), but it's so difficult for me to focus on them. The happiness is fleeting because I always find something to be depressed about. My mind constantly goes back to the following facts:

1. I'm fat.
2. I'm ugly.
3. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
4. I'm useless.
5. No one really likes me.

Those are the main things that consistently float around in my head. They're always there and they take up a majority of my thoughts.

I've always thought that if I found a guy who really loved me, that would fix me. I wouldn't be so fucked up in the head... I wouldn't be so negative.
I know now that love's not magic... and no one can fix me, but me.
Which is why I'll be fucked up like this forever.
Meaning I will never find love... because I'm like this.

It's a vicious terrible cycle and it keeps me from being happy.

So I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. But I do hope you're all doing well.

I Need to Just Remember This.

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I appreciate you. I'm glad I was roommates with Ashley freshman year so that she could introduce us. I'm grateful everyday that you are my best friend. I know so many people who have shit best friends. They constantly complain that their best friend doesn't 'get' them or doesn't like most of the things they like or their best friend treats them like shit. And I can honestly say that the complete opposite is true of us. You totally get me, which is difficult because I am so bizarre and we pretty much like the same things (but not everything...you aren't Kristi, lol) and you never treat me like shit. Sometimes you should, seriously I deserve it. But you always put your friends and their feelings before anything else. I know I am terrible at expressing emotion, so I just wanted to write this to you to let you know that I love you and I wouldn't trade you for anything (Not even Rupert).

I love you, Christy!

No Subject;

I really hate when I get like this. But I've seen it coming for the past week.

I just want to curl up in a ball and never leave said ball.

What's the point anyway? I'm obnoxious so I'm bound to chase off the few people who actually like me... and the chances of me making any new friends are slim. Let's not even get me started on boys.

I'm hideous. And fat. And there's really no hope there. At all.

And the fact that I have no hope is the third strike because confidence is, apparently, key.

So, yeah, fuck my life.

jihsfjsdfsdf.

Sorry for being depressing.

You're Gonna Wish You Never Had Met Me...

Tears are gonna fall... rolling in the deep.

I haven't blogged in a while, but I've actually been kind of busy. What with getting sick and going to Savannah and sleeping a lot...

But now that all that's over, I'm just kind of trying to stay happy. It's not working very well. I get down for inexplicable reasons. It's stupid. I'll get anxious for no reason and then all of a sudden, I'm depressed again.

It makes me want to go back to sleep.

So, yeah, I'll probably go back to sleep eventually. And feel even worse about myself when I re-wake because I'm lazy. :/

I hope you guys are doing alright,
Mella

I Need This Forever.

I'm just so fucked up.

I don't want people to have to deal with me. I'm broken and stupid and needy and emotional and I'm just all these worthless, terrible things that people should stay away from. But at the same time, I just want their attention.

It's stupid. I try to push them away or tell them I'll be okay, but really I just want them to know that I'm not okay and what I really mean when I tell them not to worry is that I need them more than I can find the words to tell them.

It's stupid, but so am I.

And I never thought I'd sink so low.
But I did tonight.

It won't last long, but it'll still be there for a while to remind me that I can't handle being alone.

Update.

I've not been up to much since my last blog. I've taken my two finals and I'm officially done for the semester.
[I made a 97 on my geology final!]

Otherwise, I'm just insanely sleepy, excited to read Will Grayson, Will Grayson and planning on watching Will & Kate get married on Friday. Because I'm just THAT lame.

That's really all.

I'm thinking about going back to sleep now.

Love,
Mella

p.s. I hope all is well with you!

Another Thing...

"Why should I waste an eloquent speech about how great you are/the fact that you're beautiful/the fact that you won't be alone forever when it's not going to change your mind?"

Um, because it's nice to hear?

Why would you say that? I mean, honestly... When someone feels bad, you try to help them feel better. It might not always work and for damn sure it gets frustrating, but you always TRY.

I always try.

It just really irritates me. I know that I'm needy and I rely on other people to know my own value... I know that I rely more on other people's words than my own because I need someone to have faith in me. I need someone to consistently remind me... because if it's up to me, I'll give up.

All my strings are breaking and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't find trying to help me "a waste" of your effort.

Thanks,
Mella

Selfish.

I know I've spent very little time in the past month or so inquiring about my friends. I've been terribly self-concerned and I couldn't possibly hate myself more for it. I am so deeply sorry. I wish that I could just fix myself. I wish that I wasn't broken or ugly or fat. I wish I was somebody someone could love.

Because then I could just spend all my time worrying about you all and trying to make your lives as happy as I possibly can. But I get so strung up in my own misery.

I can't see my life being anything but being stuck in this town all by myself. I see all of my friends going off to do amazing things and meet amazing people and lead amazing lives... and occasionally they'll come back to tell me about it.

But me?

I'll be stuck here in this tiny town, miserable and alone.

There is no one on Earth who could possibly love me.

I believe in soul mates. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes you might not find them because they've settled (or you have), but they are out there and they've been spending their lives looking for you.

But I am the exception to this, as I am the exception to most good fortune.

I don't have a soul mate. I'm convinced of this.
I will never get to live the happily ever after.
I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I did have a soul mate and I found him.

I can't see anything outside how my life is.

And I just want to curl up in a ball and spend the rest of my life in that stupid little ball crying until I'm completely dehydrated.

I know that's depressing and I do apologize, but I've been crying myself to sleep over this for a month. Because no matter how hopeless I feel, I still cry and beg and pray and plead and hope...
Even though I know there's no sense in it... I can't help. The only thing worse than having hope is not having it and the hope I do have grows slimmer each day.

I'm sorry for this. I really am.

It's just rainy and I haven't slept yet and I'm just crying my eyes out.

I hope you guys are having a much better day.

Love,
Mella

Catch 22?

I love helping people. I love being able to remind them of all the good things about themselves. I love making them smile and helping them be happy. I like giving them any sort of encouragement or advice. I enjoy this. I enjoy being wanted and needed and helpful.

On the other hand, I really do need people a lot of the time and I wish there was someone who worked just as hard to remind me about this kind of stuff. [Not that my friends aren't great. I just don't like bothering them with it. They have their own things to deal with!]

I'm going to be alone forever because I can't fix myself.

Good days, bad days.

I have good days sometimes. When I forget to be depressed or when it gets easier to pretend.
Then I have bad days where I don't even try to hide it. I tell people I'm upset and beg for help, attention, anything.

Then there are days like today. Good days that steadily morph into bad days.

I mean, today was nothing special, but then all of a sudden it was bad. And now I'm listening to Self Conclusion.

I don't know if any of you will understand that correlation. But I know Christy will.

Love,
Melissa

A Little Update.

So, I took my GEO test. I made a 100. Then the jackass marked me absent. How is that even possible? I mean, he'd JUST graded my test and then he counted me absent? What the hell?

Whatever.

I also learned today was my last day of class for BOTH of my classes. So I just have my two finals and I'm done for the summer. Woohoo.

I walked today. It was nice. I'm going to try to stay motivated. Maybe if I lose weight I'll hate myself less.

Maybe. But probably not.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well.

Love,
Mella

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday.

I really hope you guys read that the way I did. "Wed-nes-day." :)

Anyway, I'm still super tired from staying up late and not getting enough sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning, so I'm just kind of  sdijfsdfujsdifsdif right now.

However, Christy's just informed me she's going to plan out the rest of my life so, you know, that's some stress off MY back. Because I've been super frightened about that lately.

Otherwise, I've got to do a stress assessment for P.E. and study for my last geo test before my final. Hopefully I'll pull A's in both of the classes and end up with a 4.0 for the semester.

Though I generally am in a bad mood most days (due to depressing thoughts, self loathing, fears, and etc.), I do hope you're having good days and I do send good thoughts your way if you're reading this.

Love,

Mella

The Little Mermaid.

I swear, I learned how to flirt from this movie. I watched it over and over when I was little. Between it and Beauty and the Beast, I don't ever recall watching much else. Haha!

But I think that's why I'm incapable of flirting. Because Ariel is bashful. You know, due to the fact that she can't talk. While in reality, we're expected to talk.

How does that even work?

Love,
Mella

WHY IS IT SO HOT?

I thought Spring was supposed to be kind of cool. Like the transition period between freaking cold and fucking hot.

But, alas, this is Global-Warmed-Up Georgia and there are no longer things like Fall or Spring. There is PRE-SUMMER with occasional blooming flowers and PRE-WINTER with occasionally falling leaves.

FUCK.

But, yeah, so I haven't don't much since I last blogged. With the exception of me walking two miles. Woohoo. I almost died the first time I did it because I did it without stopping. The second time I did it, I stopped half-way in and hated myself less.

Then I showered and felt amazing.

Yay me.

Thus is my life.

Love,
Mella

Negativity, Thy Name is Melissa.

I really wish that someone could just look me in the eye and tell me all the things I feel about myself aren't true. I wish they could make me believe that I'm not this disgusting, terrible person I think I am.

I wish someone would write lovely things about me so I could keep them forever.

But most of all, I wish I didn't need other people to determine my own worth.

I found this and I cried.

Read these words and look at yourself in a mirror.
If you have extra weight on you, grab onto it. Pull on your hips. Hold your chest. Feel every indentation on your thighs. Imagine this. The person you’re going to marry, right now, is imagining grabbing onto you like that when you make love for the first time. Wrap your arms around yourself. Feel every roll, every bump, every crack, and every hair. Your future husband or wife can’t wait to feel that like you can. Your hips are amazing. Your thighs are beautiful. Your hair looks amazing today. If your belly shakes when you walk down the stairs, poke at it and smile. Look at yourself in the shower. Cry if you need to. Let it all out. but at the end of that shower, imagine how bad someone is aching to shower with you right now.

If your relationship isn’t going as planned. for whatever reason, take a step back and look at the big picture. Is this person worth the anxiety? Is this person worth the tears streaming down your face right now? How many times have you felt that pit in your stomach? How much do youlove them? How much do they love you? How many times are you going to fight before you decide what’s best for you? and yes, YOU. Not them.You. because no matter what, one thing I learned over time is that, the only person you have for the rest of your life is yourself. And if that person is your soul mate, it will work itself out. I promise.

If you don’t have a smile on your face right now, for whatever reason, just keep in mind that you are so special. You are so fucking special. If it’s trouble in your family, fuck those people. Make your own family in the hearts of your best friends. If it’s your friends, fuck those people. Because that’s all they are. They’re people. just like you. Make new friends. make better friends that respect you and respect your heart. If you’re anxious, write down a list of everything you have that you’re thankful for. Every little thing. Write about your dog, write about music, write about roller coasters and how much you love/hate them, describe the best thing you’ve ever had to eat, write down your favorite color and explain why, call him, call her, talk to someone. Talk until you can’t breathe anymore. Write your name down. Write it big. Make it loud. Tear it up or hang it up above your bed. Value yourself. because this is what you’re living with. and you are beautiful.

-

I want to feel like this. 

Hello, today.

Mella: I just want to pull a Beast and destroy all the mirrors.
Mella: And all my pictures.
Christy: Don't say that.
Mella: And then live in solitude.
Mella: Forever.

Why am I so hideous?

People Who Cry As Much As Me Must Be 100% Toxin Free.

So, today wasn't the best day to start out with. It was storming outrageously bad last night. Lightning was right outside my window and the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down so hard I felt like I was suffocating. Then there was the fact that the house kept creaking. I couldn't sleep at all, so I stayed up, terrified.

When I finally went to sleep, it was uneasy...

Then I went to class and did all that and though I should be happy because it's my only day of school this week, I'm actually really upset.

My mom no longer has a job. I just found out today. I don't know whether they fired her or she quit, but, regardless, she's unemployed.

I asked my grandmother, calmly, why she hadn't told me.
She replied that I "would've stormed off in a huff because that's what I do."
It is not. I didn't even react to it. I just kind of shrugged it off.

Then she started telling me that I had no right to be mad at her for it, even though I'm not MAD at her. Then she told me that my dad was just as worthless as she was, which is a real sore spot for me.

My dad has done more for me than my mother ever did. Yes, he's made mistakes and, yes, he gets into tight spots and is a little selfish, but he has always tried his best to take care of me.
My "mother" stayed away from me as much as possible - except when around people who could see her. She never told me she loved me unless she'd just previously been yelling at me. She always felt her friends were more important than her family. She always spent her money on those friends, meaning we had no money. Which meant my grandparents had to buy me everything I really needed. And then she left when I was a senior. She left my father and I for another woman. I was unbelievably pissed. How could she do that to us?
Dad was broken. I literally had to start taking care of him. He was sad and helpless and it killed me to see him like that. He cried and I've never actually seen my dad cry but maybe twice.
So the two of us went through my senior year and toughed it out as much as we could. He helped me go to Savannah for graduation and then we tried to get everything situated to go to Berry, where I'd been wanting to go since I was 7. After a few loans and a talk with my grandparents, move in day was there. I cried when he left me because I'd never actually been away from him for a very long time.
Freshman year was both a blessing and a curse. My mother kept making life difficult for me. I cried from the stress of it. She would lie to me about dad and try to make me feel awful. Then my grandparents started taking up for her.
When I finally finished, I moved in with my aunt (my dad's sister) and the three of us lived pretty peacefully.

Over the last few years, things have been a roller coaster. We're either pretty good or we're terrible. There's really no in between.

But this argument that I've just had with Nana and the phone call I just had with dad made me wish I could go back to when it was just him and me. We took care of each other. I didn't have to answer ridiculous questions. He never made me feel inferior. He always told me he was proud of me. He gave me freedoms.

My entire life - where my family's concerned - has been this awful whirlwind of suck. And even when my dad sucks, he's still better than most of my other family. It pisses me off to hear them talk about him like that. It's the surest way to set me off.

Anyway, I'm sorry I spent all this time telling you my life story. I'm just upset and I want to leave and go somewhere for a while, but I can't. I have no way to go and no funds with which to do it. So I'm stuck here. In my bedroom. Where I stay 90% of the time.

I never go out and do anything. I leave this house maybe 3 - 4 times a month (outside of school.) It's like a prison and I'm really sick of it.

Love,
Mella

The Hanging Tree

I haven't done much of anything today. I woke up, ate breakfast, piddled around, read a little, made my video for today, piddled around some more, read a little, texted a few people, listened to music, ate dinner, read a little and listened to some more music.

But in all of this, I managed to find a song that gives me chills.

Even if you haven't read The Hunger Games, I think you can appreciate this song for all its' eerie beauty.

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
where they strung up a man they say murdered three
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
Where I told you to run so we'd both be free
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope side by side with me
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Anyway, I felt you guys would appreciate that, but I'm going to go read and try not to fall asleep. I've been doing that quite frequently lately and I just shouldn't. I need to sleep in more.

Love,

Mella

A Few Things About Today;

First of all, I have started to vlog. This is completely unnecessary due to the fact that I have both a diary and a blog to express my feelings, but that's beside the point. I've decided to start so that when Christy goes to London, if I am unable to visit, we'll still be able to keep up with one another. :)

Here's the video from today (in case you're interest):

Aside from that, I went and officially withdrew from my math class. I feel better, but still nervous. Mostly anxious... in a good way.

The only other thing I have to talk about is how sick to death I am of being treated like a child. Either they need to let me be this immature little kid they treat me like or they need to treat me like the adult they expect me to be. They can't have both.

Like, I know that I missed the whole concerned parent years and that whole chestnut, but don't boss me around like I'm 13. My room isn't messy and you can't tell me what I'm going to do with my life. I make that decision.

Love,
Mella

"May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!"

Okay, so before I spend the next fifteen minutes gushing about The Hunger Games trilogy, I have a few announcements to make:

• I have officially began my withdrawal from my math class. Thus the reason I'm at home instead of being endlessly bored in a room with annoying middle-aged women who enjoy talking about themselves too much.
• I'm incredibly excited and nervous about changing my major. I've thought about it a lot and I just feel like this is right. Even still, I'm nervous and a bit nauseous about my future. It feels a lot brighter and less suffocating though.
• I am seriously wondering if I could get a loan to visit Christy while she's in London. Or perhaps sell my books back enough for half of the ticket and get the rest of my parents? (Ha! Laughable, right?) I just really want to go. 
• I'm so sleepy. Not that you care much, but I spent Tuesday morning from 1- 8 reading Catching Fire and Mockingjay. Then I slept about four and a half hours before I finished Mockingjay. Then I didn't get much sleep last night. Thankfully, I can sleep in tomorrow. At least a little. 

And now, for my gushing about The Hunger Games. I will try to keep it brief because I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't read it.

First of all, I want to say that, though Katniss is a pretty great character, my favorite characters are Cinna, Haymitch and Peeta.

Peeta is the male tribute from District 12 (where Katniss is from.) He's the baker's son and someone Katniss shares a connection with - even if she tends to forget it a bit as they grow up. He's a really great character; really charismatic and funny. From the first time he was introduced, I knew he was the one I wanted Katniss to end up with in the end. (OTP). I consistently cheered for him the entire time, even when the author didn't want me to and regardless of what happened in the end, I still love him. Peeta's the kind of guy I'd enjoy falling in love with.

Haymitch is also from District 12. He is one of the tributes from a Hunger Game in the past. He survived and became the winner of his year. Not many tributes from District 12 stay alive in the games. None have since he won. Yet every year he "coaches" the tributes in an attempt to help them win. For reasons unknown, Haymitch shares a close relationship with alcohol. For all purposes, he's not supposed to be a likable character. He's gruff and a smartass and he's rarely nice to Katniss or Peeta. He reminds me a lot of House. I really like the type of guy he is, though. He's nothing more or less than you expect him to me... until, sometimes, he is. 

Cinna is, by far, my favorite character. He's Katniss' personal stylist from the Capitol. He's the one who is responsible for making Katniss look fabulous enough to score sponsors, who will donate money so Haymitch can afford the things she needs while she's in the arena. He's just... the best character. I really just don't know what else I can say about him. He's a gorgeous guy with the ability to transform Katniss from a regular girl to the girl on fire. He's talented at what he does and a real friend to Katniss. I do have to say, he breaks my heart in Catching Fire though, but you'll have to read to find out why!

Read the books if you get a chance. It's a good series and a quick read.

Love,

Mella

p.s. Other favorites include: Rue, Finnick and Boggs

p.p.s. Least favorites: Gale, Snow, and numerous characters from Mockingjay.

I Was Having a Really Good Day.

True story. I was having a pretty good day today. I took my Geology test, hung out with Christy, made a pretty huge decision, got pulled over, saw some ducks, played some tennis and went home fairly happy and confident.

Too bad I'm miserable again now.

Fleeting moments of happiness. That's all I'll ever achieve. 

Awesome.

Love,

Mella

Happy Birthday, Cord.

Cord's nineteen today. It's pretty bizarre.

I haven't done anything today but study for Geology and go with town to Nana.

Since, I've finished making note cards for Geology and written "worthless" on my ankle.

I'm now going to return to crying over my Geology book. I have to finish Chapter 9 for the test tomorrow.

One is the Loneliest Number That You'll Ever Do.

I've felt extraordinarily lonely today. I woke up after having a nightmare and then ate some breakfast before decorating Cord's cake.

Afterwards, I finished my math quiz before straightening Haley's hair. Cord came to get her at some point after that.

I'm not really sure what I've been doing since...

I just feel very alone.

If Jenny wasn't texting me, I'm pretty sure I'd be crying. How pathetic am I?

Love,
Mella

p.s. According to Three Dog Night, two can be as bad as one, but I don't believe them.

The Weather Today Is Slightly Miserable With A Good Chance of Rain.

It's been raining all day. On and off, of course. But it's been storming something terrible and there was hail earlier and now it's just raining really hard and I can't help but remember when I lived in Hiram and it rained for four days straight. I felt so claustrophobic. And I feel the same way now. I really wish it'd settle down. Just a bit. Not so much hard raining, you know?

I like rain just as much as the next girl, but there is a limit, right?

Today's been boring. Extremely dull. I straightened Haley's hair and MADE her listen to the Beatles. Her parents dislike them, so someone has to educate the poor girl. Then I watched this really great movie called Love and Other Disasters. It's a really, really good movie with Brittany Murphy in it and if you haven't seen it, I recommend it. It's on Netflix and it's instant so you can watch it at any time, really :)

Now I'm just trying to fall asleep... I haven't cried yet, so hopefully this means I'll go to sleep without the wracking sobs I had last night. It was terrible and I hate it. It was an awful night. My entire body shook and I kept crying and pleading/begging/praying...

I wish I weren't so miserable.

Regardless, I hope you're having a nice day and staying dry wherever you are!

Love,
Mella

p.s. Yes, I do overuse the word "regardless" in my posts. My apologies.

A Letter To You.

This is for you.

Hey, it’s me. I just want you to know that the person you are right now… The person who you’re unhappy with? I love that person.

I don’t even have to know you to know that you’re wonderful. Your every pore radiates it.

You are beautiful. Every flaw that you find in yourself only makes you more so. I can promise you that.

The breakouts you have when you’re stressed? They prove that you persevere through hard/stressful times. They’ll be gone in a week or so and you’ll still be kicking ass and taking names. You’re a little bit heavier than you’d like? Every curve of you is still gorgeous. Not to mention you are less likely to miscarry with your children. You’ve got freckles? Personally, I think freckles are gorgeous. They’re like constellations of stars across your body and what could be better than that? You feel like you’re not talented? I can promise you that in some way you are truly gifted. You may not be able to play Beethoven’s Fifth on the piano, but you could probably bake a delicious chocolate cake! Or you’re probably really good at being there for people (or animals sometimes, too) who need it! Regardless of what it is, I can promise there is something you excel at that not many others do!

I can promise you here and now that you are one of the most lovely people ever. There will never be another person on Earth exactly like you and that’s why you should love yourself.

This is my letter to you. My letter to assure you that no matter what your life is like right now, you are worthy of so much love and admiration.

You are a gorgeous, amazing, talented being and if you need reminded of that, let me know. I’ll be more than happy to tell you.

Love always,
Mella

I Cried Today.

The first time I cried I was reading The Hunger Games, which, I feel, completely excuses me. I was skeptical of the book at first, but I gave it a shot and I actually really like it a lot. I can already tell that the series is going to be one of the ones that breaks my heart. I'm not going to say anything because I know someone may read it later, but it's really worth the read, I think.

The second time I cried I was looking up flights to London to visit Christy. The cheapest tickets I found were $880. Not bad. Not bad at all. (With the taxes and such it was a bit more expensive, but still - not terrible!) Anyway, I obviously cannot afford it. I'm already in so much debt and my parents don't give a shit about me.

It's sad. I know my dad cares a lot, but since he got divorced, he hasn't gotten out of the mindset that his wants are more important than my needs. He still gives me money for things, such as gas and school, but he never calls to see how I am and he never wants to see me. Neither of my parents care much about what I need or how I'm doing.

I could be on the verge of suicide and they'd have no clue. (I'm not.)

I want to go to a psychologist, but that's unlikely to happen. I'm "just being emotional." I need to "suck it up." "Life isn't fair."

I get that life isn't fair. If it was I'd have had a happy family. My parents would've heaped attention on me and everyday they would've told me how good and wonderful and beautiful I was. No one would ever mock me, I would've done well in all my classes and there would be absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'd be happy and finished with school and I'd have a job all lined up. I'd travel the world and have friends who clamored for my attention because I was just so much fun to be with.

But that's not the reality. I have parents that I have to beg for attention from, a grandmother who treats me like the hideous waste of space I feel like, friends who are wonderful, but have so much more going for them than hanging out with me and the farthest I've been from home is Kentucky. I'm in debt to my eyeballs and I'm still not even close to finish. Oh, and not to mention, I loathe my major.

I'm just so sick of my life right now. It frustrates and depresses me, leaving me feeling so hopeless.

I know I should appreciate my life. I know this and I feel awful about complaining like this, but I can't help it.

I can already see my life.

I can see myself at the age of 40. I'll be miserable teaching in an elementary school. I'll go to work miserable, I'll try to put on a happy face for the kids, who will be awful to me because I'm so easily ran over, I'll do all my work and be stressed out of my mind, then I'll go home to cats that make me sneeze (and no one else) and I'll make a microwavable dinner which is bound to make me even fatter than I already am and then I'll read until it's time to go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

I can already see it. I perfectly envision it in my mind and, oh god, does it leave me feeling hopeless.

That's just how I feel.

Hopeless.

Without hope.

The absence of hope.

Regardless, I hope you're all well. I'm sorry I'm so negative.

Love,
Mella

Long Days, Short Days, What Does It Matter?

Today was a pretty long day. This is mainly due to the fact that I stayed up fairly late trying to make a friend feel better. I failed, as I generally do, but I did make an attempt.

I mean, I can understand why I failed. When I'm miserable, there's no shot in hell of my friends making me feel better. But even still, when they try, it DOES help. Unless I'm just to that point where I'm frustrated with everything.

Enough about that, though.

I went to PE and presented my Health Hazards of Smoking. I was embarrassed and I really hate presenting. When I wasn't looking at my notes, I stared at the door... :/ I am so self conscious it literally pains me to be in front of people.

Anyway, I also turned in my test. I have an 84 on it now, which is BALLS. But hopefully I'll still make an A in the class. I haven't made all A's since senior year of high school!

Afterwards, I went to Geology and tried very hard to ignore ObnoxiousGirlWhoTalksAlotAndSaysThingsNoOneCaresAboutAndAsksQuestionsDuringLectureSoYouCan'tHearOhAndAlsoInterruptsYouDuringConversationAndRepeatsThingsFifteenThousandTimes. It was exceedingly difficult, but I tried. I mean, I'm polite to her and I answer her questions generally, but I had very little sleep today and did NOT want to put up with a thousand questions so I barely talked to anyone in Geo - but most especially not to her.

After that I went to the registrar to check on my SAT scores (to see if they had them - they did not) and then I got my application stuff for getting into the education program. Everything seems really easy now that I have access to my SAT scores. I can just send them and get the rest of the stuff taken care of and all I'll need to do is my interview! (Cue horror theme!) I've already decided on my references. Dr. Schultz, Dr. Kiernan and Dr. Rob. All of whom will write gleaming recommendations because they adore me. HAHAHA!

Once that was done, I talked to Jenny for FOREVER (about study abroad, how much we love Christy and Abbey Road!), went home and slept until 5. Then, grudgingly, I went to math.
For the sake of everyone, let me just say math class is always unbearable.

Now I'm at home and I'm going to read The Hunger Games, pray my side stops hurting, and hopefully sleep soon.

Though, I mean, no one REALLY cares what I did today. Of course.

I hope you're having a good week and that this weekend is even better!

Love,
Mella

p.s. I didn't cry today. Breaking the streak.

I NEED To Get Out!

Does anyone remember that post I did a few months ago? I went to the movies completely by myself for the first time on a Saturday? I was scared and my anxiety was awful, but I did it. I went and saw a movie all on my own and, afterwards, I was completely euphoric.

I felt like I'd just punched my social anxiety disorder straight in the face. It was a wonderful feeling.

But now, I'm complacent again. I rarely leave my house - let alone my room - unless it's for school.

I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything. Because my self esteem is so low. Whenever I leave, people mock me for being fat or ugly. Which isn't much different than home, but at least when I'm at home, I'm used to it. I'm used to people being hateful.

Regardless of this, I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I need to get out. I need to go away.

All my life the farthest I've ever been from my family has been an hour... and I was never that far from them. They were a call or a short car ride away.

But I need to get out of here now. I need to get out of this city because I don't want to be trapped here for the rest of my life. I don't want to be miserable and stuck in this town doing something I hate.

I need to get out of here and out of this state of mind.

I'm sick of being miserable.

I want to go somewhere. I want to be somewhere else. I want a new chance to be someone else. Here I'm just Melissa, Crystal's friend or Melissa, Christy's friend or Melissa, Meghan's friend.

I'm the friend in my own life. I'm never once the leading lady. In every film I've ever seen, I am generally (not always), the best friend. I'm the person who builds the main character up or has their back. And just for once I'd really like to be the leading lady.

I want to be beautiful and funny and witty and entertaining. Adventurous. Brave. I want to be all these things that I've never been.

I want to go to Europe. I want to see things. I don't want to be stuck here.

I'm so afraid and I'm tired of it.
I'm so depressed and I'm sick of it.

I just want to be happy.
I want to get out of here.
And, most importantly, I want to be the star of my own life.

So why can't I? What's stopping me?

The Things You Want Are Not Necessarily The Things You Can Have...

Do you know what I really want from my life? What I want more than anything? To be happy.

I want to be free of all my anxieties and miseries. I don't want to have to worry about being self conscious if I want to go out in public. I don't want to worry about being the ugly friend. I don't want to cry myself to sleep some nights because I just know I'm going to be alone forever. I don't want to look at my life and know I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life in a job I'm not even sure I want to do anymore.

I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life, but I don't see myself getting out.
I don't want to be alone forever, but I can't imagine there's a guy out there who will want me.
I don't want to be the ugly friend.
I don't want to cry myself to sleep.

I just want to be happy. Why can't I be happy?

No Day, But Today.

Today was a bit better than yesterday and the day before. I only cried once. Probably because I was distracted for the better part of the day/evening.

When I woke up, I dressed in clothes I don't particularly care about and when to meet Kali at Goggi's. After I had gotten her, we went to the house they're going to move to and she showed me around. We went for a quick walk in the woods before returning and getting started.

While we painted, we talked and complained about life and school. I got a wall and a half done and so did she. However, I must say I got less painted than she did because my OCD made me make sure I had every bit of the wall covered.

Afterwards, we went out to the swing (they have a swing) and just talked about movies and books that we'd seen or read or heard about.

Once we were done, we left and went back to her house where we laughed and mocked the people on Maury. "You ARE... NOT the father." I'm sorry, but if there's a chance that there's more than one possible father, you best believe I'm not going on Nat'l t.v.

Anyway, I came home after and took a shower. The paint came off easily, so that was good. Then I ate and read a little.

When I went to tackle my p.e. test, I decided I wanted to watch a movie so I watched Emma on Netflix. Then, when I was done with both the movie (which was suprisingly good) and the test, I wrote in my real diary, which I haven't done.

Since I've been thinking longingly of how much I'd like to find a man similar to John Green and/or Logan Echolls. :)

But really, I've already built up my fantasy man. I just wish he existed. Really, I wish any man existed who could look at me and think, "I need to get to know her."

Sadly, though, this is not the cause.

I didn't write that I was worthless in my diary again, by the way. Though I kind of didn't have to.

That's pretty much the entire summary of my day.

I meet with my advisor tomorrow to talk about my schedule. I hope everything goes smoothly, but there's always the chance that it won't.

Anyway. I hope you're all doing well and being happy even if I'm a total buzzkill.

Love,
Mella

I would very much like to stop crying.

It's Just Easier to Copy & Paste

Mella (7:49:55 PM): Mom just called and was a huge bitch.
Mella (7:51:28 PM): I am sick to death of her trying to make ME feel bad because she's a shoddy mother.
Mella (7:51:45 PM): She called my cell phone and I missed the call because it was on silent.
Mella (7:52:02 PM): So she called Papa and then told me I didn't love her because I didn't answer the phone.
Mella (7:52:09 PM): Then she told me I only cared about her when I wanted money.
Mella (7:52:30 PM): I do call her when I need something, but that's only because I'm down to my last hope.
Mella (7:52:36 PM): Because she never comes through.
Mella (7:52:37 PM): For anything. Ever.
Mella (7:52:51 PM): She's made me feel uncomfortable and inferior and worthless and not wanted my entire life. That's almost twenty three years of feeling like I don't matter.
Mella (7:52:58 PM): And she always goes and makes me feel like it's my fault.
Mella (7:53:02 PM): And that I should feel sorry for HER.
Mella (7:53:05 PM): Because she's the victim and I just treat her oh so badly.
Mella (7:53:08 PM): And I am sick to death of it.
Mella (7:53:58 PM): I want to run away.
Mella (7:54:14 PM): From all of them.
Mella (7:54:57 PM): GODDAMNIT.
Mella (7:54:58 PM): jsikdfhbsgbd
Mella (7:54:59 PM): jhbvgjplnjlokfvdej /p; fzg
Mella (7:55:53 PM): rejgfivdcfgxhrrhhgwihgjwprj;f;krvr,ihgw
Mella (7:56:02 PM): She always fucking does this.
Mella (7:56:04 PM): She hung up on me.
Mella (7:56:12 PM): And then sent me this huge text with grammatical errors a plenty.
Mella (7:56:22 PM): About how she's a failure and she cries herself to sleep because her daughter doesn't love her.
Mella (7:56:27 PM): And she's just doing the best she can.
Mella (7:56:29 PM): Fuck that.


And then she called and left a voice mail. She was crying and apologizing. Which is what she always does. I couldn't press 7 enough. 
And then there was another text, which I promptly deleted.
Just now, she texted me asking me to forgive her because she loves me. 


I am sick of this. Just absolutely fucking sick to death of feeling like no one wants me. 
I know it's not true because I have my friends (or, at least, I hope it's not), but it feels like it all the time. 


Last night I wrote in my diary "You're worthless and you always will be."  So now it'll always be there to remind me. Not like I need it. I mean, I'm surrounded with reminders every day. 

"It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart."

Can I just say how much this quote disappoints me?

I mean, as if I don't already mope about being forever alone ENOUGH, quotes like this have to exist.

"Beauty captures the attention."
Well that's GREAT, isn't it? Because I'm neither beautiful not worthy of anyone's attention.

Fantastic.
So that means that not only will I never be noticed, but because I'm never noticed, I'll never be loved.

Thank you, anonymous quote-sayer. I really appreciate your support - especially when that's how I already feel.

But, no, seriously, guys of the world, please continue to overlook me. That's okay. I'll come to terms with the fact sooner or later, but you have to STOP ignoring these beautiful girls right under your eyes.

Jenny, Christy, Meghan, Kali, they're all amazing, wonderful, beautiful girls and you're missing out. Seriously. So stop being such idiots. Even if they say they're fine without you and perfectly content with school/their career, they are WORTH the effort to try.

And girls? Sarah Hall is fantastic and you'd be lucky to have her.

Why can't you all realize that?

-Mella

Why Do I Cry So Much?

You know how people generally have some sort of a vice or addiction they turn to when they're upset? Well, aside from music, I think mine is crying. Seriously. I don't eat any more when I'm upset (in fact, I probably eat less), I don't abuse alcohol, I've never touched drugs, I don't resort to violence (self-inflicted or otherwise), I don't have copious amounts of sex... None of it. I just cry. Profusely.

And, I mean, I think that's healthy. That I cry as opposed to doing the other things. But it does get quite exhausting...

I bring this up - obviously - because I've been crying a lot lately. My moods are prone to swinging like monkeys from tree limbs and these past few weeks are no exceptions. Last night, for instance, I was perfectly fine... then when I went to lay down to sleep, I just started crying. There was no rhyme or reason to it... I just cried.

Today, I went out with Jesse. We had fun. (Though I have to admit, it's not as exciting as it once was. I used to be THRILLED when we hung out and now I'm just mostly bored. :/ This upsets me.) Meghan hung out with us after we saved her from family time and that was fun, too - especially when I ate that cupcake I shouldn't have eaten. 

After we took Meghan home, we went to Jesse's and I left.

Since I got home, I've been trying to finish reading The Sun Witch, which is the first book in a series of books about the Fyne sisters (who are witches.) It's proving very difficult to get through. It's not because the writing is bad (actually, considering the fact that it's supposed to be a "smutty novel," it's pretty good), but because I keep crying. I won't give away any of the details because, like I said, it's an okay book; however, there are several parts in this book that have made be cry. 

I'm not even half finished and I really just wish it were over so I could read the thousands of books I have left to read from Christmas (and books I've picked up since like The Hunger Games and Beastly.) 

Aside from that, I've been trying to put together my schedule for fall. I was going to take classes this summer, but as they do not offer psychology classes during the summer, I suppose I won't be doing that. 

Instead, I'll be going to class on MWF. But it's okay. At least I won't have any late classes. THANK GOD. 

Otherwise, I'm doing okay. I mean, I'm still feeling this hopeless sense of despair about my life, but when am I not? 

I hope you guys are having a good week and that your weekend is filled with great things. :)

Love,

Mella

It's Not Easy Being Green.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I thought that today, because it's St. Patrick's Day and I just finished my forth (of six) exam in Geology, I would attempt to do a Things I Love Thursday. I've been feeling REALLY down lately and I just need a pick me up. So, without further adieu, here is my tilt;

everything john green has ever written and will ever write | my nickname "mella" | when people you don't expect to say affectionate things, say affectionate things (i.e. when christy tells me she loves me or meghan says she misses me!) | turkey meat - especially in hamburger helper! it's delicious and so much better for you! | laughing late at night because i could never be a tattoo artist. ever. | angel - the television show. it is light years better than buffy based solely on the fact that buffy's not in it. also, wesley wyndam pryce. :) | going for walks and talking about the future | dreaming of living in a one room flat with my best friend - one with brick walls and no distinct rooms! above, like, a cafe or a bookstore! | the weather lately. it's been warm, but not overly so. it's really nice! | mumford and sons - every single song i listen to by them makes me fall even more in love with them | sweet potatoes; i cannot even tell you how much i adore eating sweet potatoes for dinner. they are absolutely delicious | characters like margo roth spiegelman and alaska young - i'm so envious of them. i wish i were more like them! | darren criss - seriously? need you even ask why? | FRIED RICE. | savannah, georgia - i wish i were there right now! | "strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty." | having friends & being one.

I'm sure there's a lot more that I'm currently loving, but I'm just too hungry thinking about the fried rice and potatoes that I can't focus on it right now! I hope you're all having a lovely St. Patrick's Day and that you stay safe!

Love,

Mella

Why Can't I Remember This?

Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine…If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be shocked…You are far more wonderful than you think you are… Rest with that. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine. More than fine. Better than fine. You’re doin’ great. So relax. And love yourself today.

 - Neal Donald Walsch 

I wish I felt like this more of the time, but sadly, I feel the exact opposite a lot of the time. I really need to stop being so selfish and introverted and start thinking about other people. :(

hufedjivdfrgf

I'm all gross and sweaty. 

Need shower.

Nice walk though.

Just Wondering.

Do you actually INTEND to make me feel like shit with everything you do or is it just a bonus? I'm only wondering.

When I Get In Moods Like This, I Shouldn't Blog...

I've been wondering a lot about myself tonight. Mainly I've been trying to figure out if I just know who I am really well and am ashamed to admit it or if I just have no clue who I really am so I can't ever say.

I mean, I have all these feelings... And sometimes I can be a really mean person because of them. I don't ever really mean to hurt anyone else, but sometimes when I'm miserable like this, I say things without thinking or try to be as vindictive as possible.

When I'm feeling scorned or ignored, I don't say "I love you." When I'm annoyed, I'll sign offline without saying goodbye or hang up. I let my emotions force my hand. I blame this on my family. They've ignored me and verbally abused me for so long I don't think I really know how to trust people or have a healthy relationship/friendship with anyone. 

I want so much attention. I want people to want me around and need me. I feel like that's bad and childish to want. I tell myself I'm stupid because I want so much affection/attention, but I still feel the same regardless.

I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes because of the way I feel. I'll feel neglected and ignored and act out. I'll blog and be passive aggressive. I don't like that.

But I don't know exactly what to do. I don't ever know how other people are really feeling deep down inside. So I don't know if I'm the only person who feels exactly how I feel. I think that I probably am so that makes me feel wrong or broken. I just assume everyone else feels differently...

I really do think too much. That, coupled with the fact that I cry at the slightest thing - including a bad haircut or a comment from my grandmother - is probably why I'll die old and alone. 

I'm sorry for this. I've just been feeling low all day and I don't really know another way to talk about it because my friends really deserve better than to hear my mope and pout all the time. 

I really need a better way to handle things instead of crying. I'm so childish. :(

Love,

Mella

p.s. I also feel like a bitch for thinking that since I would drop anything to help one of my best friends, the same should happen for me. I really am sorry. :/

More Things No One Cares About;

So, I had my first math class today. I was really worried I'd feel behind because I didn't take the prerequisite for the course. But after the first hour, I just kind of sat there with my jaw on the floor. These women had no idea what they were doing. We spent an hour on linear equations and plotting lines on a graph. I just... I cannot summon words to describe just how bored I was. It was ridiculous.

Aside from that, I've just finished season 2 of Buffy. I'm now starting on season 3. All I have to say right now regarding this is: 1. Don't make fun. I know Sarah Michelle Gellar sucks as an actress, but Giles, Willow, Oz, and Xander are great. Spike can be as well. 2. I'm excited to see Wesley. Though I've heard he's a mega douche. 3. I have no idea why I continue to watch it. It's like a train wreck, I guess. I'll continuously be pissed at how stupid a character Buffy is solely because I can't avert my eyes from the stupidity. Insane.

I really haven't done much else today. I skipped p.e. Mainly because I couldn't find my work-out pants, but also because I just really didn't feel like going. I sent her an email, but she hasn't replied. I went to Geology where I stumbled through the lab. That was not at all fun. But my teacher draped me in Mardi Gras beads. Then he told me I was really bright. :) Hopefully he'll continue to think so because I'd love Dean's List again~

Still speaking in the vein of school, I need to start preparing my schedule. I'll probably end up doing that at some point tonight or tomorrow. For some reason I'm feeling a need to be productive. I want to read or do my homework or study or just do something... It's crazy. I never feel that way. Procrastination thy name is always Melissa.

Outside of school, I have no life. I've just been thinking about Margo and Alaska and how much I want to be like them.

Really, that's it. My life in a nutshell. Sorry it's not more poetic or interesting. I'm hopelessly boring.

Love,
Mella

p.s. I really am considering minoring in either Sociology or Psychology. One requires 16 credits and the other requires 19. It'd set me back another semester, but I feel like it would be worth it. I just need to stop worrying about the future. Worry about NOW. And right now I want to do this.

I Wish I Had Better Things to Say...

It really is quite unfortunate to be boring. I mean that in the sense that I am a completely boring individual - not that everyone is.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about people. I've never really been the type of person to want to be someone else - regardless of how much I loathe myself at times. I've felt envious of physical aspects of people, but never anything else.

However, after reading John Green's books, I'm envious of characters like Alaska and Margo. I wish I were more like them. More interesting and adventurous. I'd like to be the type of person someone looks for, the type of girl who makes boys feel like Pudge and Q felt. And I really just don't ever feel like I'll make someone feel like that, which is more of a disappointment to me than how far behind I am in school.

Truthfully, Margo had it right. Our entire lives are spent trying to cultivate the future. We get so caught up in doing well in school to get into a good college. Then we have to do well in college to get a good job. Then we have to do well in our job to get a good house. Then we have to meet good people to have a good spouse. Then we have to raise a good family.

We spend our entire lives working towards a future that we might not even actually want.

Why do we do this? Why can't we just enjoy now? Because society has molded us into these worrywarts? Probably.

I just really wish I could appreciate now more. I wish I wasn't so worried about my future. I wish I was interesting and beautiful and not hopelessly boring.

Just one good time, you know?

Well. Anyway.

I hope you're staying dry in the rain.

Love,
Mella

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

So, I don't know how many of you know, but Perks of Being a Wallflower is my favorite book. Legitimately, I absolutely adore everything that book chooses to be.

Anyway, there's a part of this book when Charlie and his two friends, Patrick and Sam are in a truck and they're listening to the radio and after the song was over, Charlie tells them he feels infinite.

I never thought I'd know what that felt like. But last night, packed in Christy's tiny little truck and listening to all of us singing along to "Let It Be" by the Beatles, it finally made sense.

We had spend the day at Books a Million and people watching at the mall. It was so crowded and we, being antisocial, sat on a bench for the majority of our time spent there and just watched people. After a bit, we got our tickets and went to see Beastly. (As a side note, it is apparently necessary for all teenage girls to be obnoxious fucks during films. I wonder if I was THAT obnoxious, but I doubt it because I actually kept my phone in my purse where it belongs.)

The movie was good. I really enjoyed it, actually. But that's not why I'm blogging.

After it was over, we walked through the mall and out into the rain. When we reached Christy's truck, we piled in - with only minor difficulty. Then we set off.

We were listening to Christy's mix CD and singing along when we knew the words. Then the Beatles came on and we all sang. It was raining and it just felt... infinite.

I know that sounds weird and you probably think I'm stupid, but in that moment, I swear, we were infinite. It felt like a moment that wouldn't end. It was wonderful.

Love,
Mella

Blogging from Jacksonville

I don't exactly know where to start as I sit in Jenny's kitchen with Christy and Jenny. I'm just casually sitting at my keyboard as my fingers fly across the keyboard and I have stuff to talk about, but I'm not sure how to start. I suppose I could just start with "Yesterday I..." But eh. 

Christy and I spent yesterday making Jenny a huge card on a trifold board. Then we made her a cake. I was scared to sleep in the living room by myself - of course, so instead of going to sleep, I watched, like, five episodes of Coupling (which is a great show might I add.) 

The next morning, I woke up and hung out with Michelle for a bit before she left for work. Then Christy and I finished the card and got ready. 

Now we're at Jacksonville and Jenny has assured us she loved her gifts. (I got her the Covenant due to my NOSTALGIA post earlier.) 

Since we got here, we've pretty much been talking and eating pizzas. Oh, and there was the awkward moment where the three of us tried to fit in Christy's truck. That was an experience. Lol.

We also watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil because Jenny'd never seen it and, well, I adore Savannah. I want to go so badly.

Aside from all this happening, I've just been feeling really hopeless. I feel like I'm just perpetually stuck at this phase in my life and I'll never get out. I'll never do anything worthwhile. No one will ever love me or want me. I'm just... so worthless. :/ 

I really hope this goes away. :/

But it won't. Never for good.

Fuck.

Still. Hope you're having a good weekend.

Love,

Mella

Make a Joyful Noise!

I submitted my religion final half an hour ago. It took forever for me to finish it - especially with those bullshit questions, but finally, I got all three essays written out and submitted them. I am officially done with REL 104 and EDU 318 forever! (Unless I fail one. God, I hope I didn't. Praying for A's, gonna be okay with B's!) 

Anyway, I'm really excited now because it means I am finally able to relax and actually enjoy my spring break! I mean, I'm technically already half-way through the break, but I don't think it's a huge problem. I mean, after all, I only go to school two days a week, so it's not like I'm missing that much class.

I don't remember right now if I've told you how excited I am to only have three classes going into next week. I'll keep my PED 100 and GEO 125 and there will be a MAT 211 added to it, but otherwise, I'm totally free! That makes me so happy. I'll have much less work and I'll probably feel a lot less stressed. Though it does mean my Thursdays from 6-11 are gone. :/ 

I'll be fine though. 

In other news, I really hope March is a good month for me. I'm kind of scared it won't be. 

Anyway. I'll probably post again before we leave to see Jenny, but if I don't, have a great rest of the week! :)

Love,

Mella

Production Junction.

My function is trying to be productive today. I've been so stressed out for the past week that I haven't really been giving my all to anything - most especially  my school work. I've just felt so overwhelmed by everything that it's just really hard to buckle down and focus.

Having said that, I've done all of my work except my final exam for religion. Now, I'm going to finish reading the lessons before I start (because we have to have evidence from our lessons to prove or thesis.) It's going to take a while, but it's a three page paper exam, so it was bound to take me a while regardless.

I just hope that I do well enough that I make a B in the class. The teacher's really great, he has awesome lesson plans, and he's really laid back, but he's a pretty harsh grader. I'm just going to take a breath, start reading and hope for the best.

Hope you're having a great week,
Mella

p.s. Happy March.

Nostalgia Ahoy!

So, I was on the site that shall not be named a few minutes ago and I was reminded of the time that Jenny and I first REALLY bonded.

I don't remember where Kayla was, but I remember us laying in the floor and watching the Covenant on my computer. I will absolutely never forget that moment. It was the moment we went from being roommates to really being friends.

I'm really sentimental about stuff like that. Memories are bittersweet.

I know it's kind of dumb to be blogging about something like this at 4AM, but I just thought about it and it really just made me think. Because of Steven Strait, Chase Crawford and that Taylor Kisch guy, I found one of my best friends on Earth. :)

I should write them a thank you letter or something.

Love,
Mella

p.s. "Anti-Social Network; 'You don't get to five friends without awkwardly avoiding a few glances.'" Autumn and I are hilarious. Even if we're the only ones who think so.

Today; In a Nutshell.

Today has consisted of me freaking out again and again about my religion paper. I've been trying to work on it since Friday and it just hasn't been going my way. I'm not sure what to write or what he wants. I've just been crying and pitching a fit a lot, which I know is immature, but I'm just really stressed right now.

After a long day of crying and screaming and cussing and all manner of other things, I finally finished the hideous piece of shit and submitted it. I can only hope I don't fail it.

Now all I lack is my final exam, which, I hope I'll do well on. I doubt it though because it's ANOTHER paper. Please excuse me whilst I bash my head on the wall.

In closing, this has been my playlist for this weekend:

• The Cave - Mumford & Sons
• Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine
• The Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
• Winter Winds - Mumford & Sons
• That Dress Looks Nice on You - Sufjan Stevens
• Boy With a Coin - Iron & Wine
• White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons
• Flightless Bird - Iron & Wine
• I Gave You All - Mumford & Sons

Hope you're staying sane, because I'm definitely not,
Mella

p.s. IS MERCURY IN RETROGRADE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I KEEP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP WHEN I TYPE?!
p.p.s. It's bad that I can't remember when I last washed my hair, right? :/

Boy With a Coin;

I've been listening to this song repeatedly over the course of the last few hours.
It's absolutely brilliant.

Thank you, Christy.