Self Conclusion.

I flirt with the notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion.

But, you see, the trick is that I'm never supposed to act on it;

No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

No one would really miss me if I weren't here anymore...

If I finally ran away or did something a little more drastic,

They'd cry for a bit... and people could say "you were such a good friend."

But then something would happen; a party or a date and they'd forget I ever existed.

It's nights like these... when everyone is out having fun that I remember that fact.

I'm not essential to anyone's life and no one would miss me if I wasn't here anymore.

No one wants to waste their time with me.

And those that do probably don't have anything better to do.

Because god knows I'm the last person people want to hang out with.

If I wasn't, I think they'd try a little harder.

I'm sick of trying to be someone they want to hang out with.

It's so much effort wasted.

So I'm just going to be who I am:

A boring and depressed girl with low self confidence, a family that breaks her heart, and no hope for her life.

I wish...

I wish I were someone else.

ANFHJKMSDFSHDF

The title is the only way I can describe my mood currently. I mean, not that you guys want to know, but on top of EVERYTHING ELSE, I am cramping something FIERCE (which never happens. I maybe dying.)

Ugh.

Actually, you probably don't care about anything I have to say period, so this is really more for me to just vent and rant (which probably explains why it's so depressing.)

Either way, here's my day in a nutshell:

Shitty, awful, terrible morning filled with tears and the decision to skip class.

Kennesaw with Christy, which probably single-handedly kept me from driving off a cliff or something equally as fatal.

Did NOT get hit on by British employee at Border's. Christy's blind.

Went home.

But now that my day's over, I'm back to being depressed. :(

Why does everyone I love want to leave me?

Truthfully...

I honestly do need to start putting some effort into being more dedicated/organized concerning my school work, more prompt with doing my home work, less depressing in my blogging, and more active.

Aside from these not so new epiphanies, the only new news I have is I'm partaking in NaNoWriMo.

Haha. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.

I never write anymore...

And when I do, it's utter shit.

There's no way I'll get 50,000 words in a month!

Hell, I don't even do most of my classwork...

But what the fuck ever.

I'm going to give it a shot.

I'll crash and burn, but what else is new?

All My Life: A Confession.

All my life, these were the things I need to learn:

• Anytime my mother tells me she will do something, it really means she'll do either the exact opposite or absolutely nothing. In other words, you can not count on her.
• If I want to feel really bad about myself, I just walk into the same room with my grandmother.
• If I have a best friend, they'll eventually grow bored of me and go off in search of greener pastures - in other words, no matter how hard I try to be someone they want around or need, they will always, always leave.
• Loving people gives them the power to break your heart - and they generally do just that.
• I will never be beautiful. Hours spend day dreaming otherwise are pointless and a waste of time.
• No one is going to come fix me. I'm going to be this screwed up, depressed mistake for the rest of my life.
• People only keep me around because of what I'm willing to do for them... and I'm willing to do a lot.
• I'm willing to do almost anything to be needed, wanted, and loved.
• However, I'm unlovable and have no redeeming qualities.
• Whenever I don't want to do something, I'm "sick."
• I cry. All the time.
• There is no such thing as true love. There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. I will never have happily ever after. Ever.
• Everyone always leaves. Even if they put up with you for a while, they're just waiting until the opportune moment.
• I will always be fat because no one believes I can be anything other than fat. It's my identifier. Fatass.
• I will be alone for the rest of my life because I'm afraid to be made fun of. I am afraid of social situations. I hate people. I will never make any more friends or leave my room.
• I hate myself. I always will because I suck. As before stated, there is nothing redeeming about me in the slightest.
• Blogging about things does absolutely nothing for me and no one gives enough of a shit about me to read this anyway.

If I Ever Went to Hogwarts...

I would beg the Sorting Hat to put me in Hufflepuff so that I could be completely invisible all seven years.

No one would notice me.

Nothing bad would happen to me.

I'd do the same things every day... without notice or recognition.

But it would be okay... Because it's better for people not to know you exist than to consistently break your heart for things you can't help.

I do a really good job of it, too...

Reasons I Absolutely Cannot Stand PDA.

So, you're looking around on your news feed on Facebook, checking to see what your friends are up to when you see it.

"Hey baby, I love you so much. It's been two hours since I last saw you and I'm just dying. Booger boo, will you come see me tomorrow morning before work? I'll cry if you don't. You know your angel pie loves you and you should love her too. I love you, baby. Mwah."

Then you feel it... everything you've eaten that day just rises up in your throat and you feel like you're going to vomit.

I mean, it probably doesn't help that I hate people... but come the fuck on.

All of Facebook doesn't need fucking proof that you're a fucking idiot - I'm sure they probably know.

What the fuck is it about "being in love" that makes people act like they've never fucking seen another person in their life?

Ugh.

It's just so obnoxious.

The pet names.

The inside jokes.

The giggling.

The PICTURES WITH FUCKING KISSING.

The constantly writing on each other's walls and pictures about HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.

Seriously?

Fuck that.

It's annoying. And I realize the number of times I've dropped the F-bomb is probably pretty annoying too, but you know, it just fucking pisses me off.

It's like you have to rub it in everyone's faces that you're happy.

But it's also like you're only happy because you're with that person.

WHICH SHOULD NEVER BE THE CASE.

IF YOU CANNOT BE HAPPY BY YOURSELF, THEN YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

And yes, I realize I'm preaching to myself with that last one.

But seriously, you talk about how happy you are with this person, how happy they make you... Well what the fuck is so wrong with you that you can't just be happy by yourself?

Because, ultimately, you can't expect that person to always make you happy.

That's asking TOO MUCH.

You have to be able to be happy independent of people before you can expect others to make you happy.

I could rant on this all day.

Rant about chicks before dicks.

Bros before hoes.

How stupid it is to have pictures of kissing.

How fucking ridiculous it is to refer to each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." - What the fuck is so wrong with your names that you have to refer to each other by this?

ifgjfsddjksfsdjfsd

THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF WHAT WE MAKE LOVE OUT TO BE NOW ABSOLUTELY SICKENS ME.

Love should be this wonderful thing.

This awe-inspiring, butterfly-inducing feeling.

And that's not what it is anymore.

It's girls being stupid and boys wanting to get lucky.

And sometimes, it's boys being stupid and girls wanting to get lucky.

It's all about Facebook relationship statuses and not actually BEING with that person.

It's about proving you have someone instead of proving to that person you love them.

It's being in a relationship for a week before changing your status back to single and seeking out the next beau.

We're like social networking sharks who only have relationships to tell people about them.

Which is stupid. And not love at all. Even though we like to pretend.

It's never what it was supposed to be.

It just makes me so upset.

Because people are fucking idiots.

I'm a fucking idiot.

But that's okay, because I'm going to die alone.

I'm never going to besmirch what love should mean by making it cheap and fake.

And yes, that does break my heart a little.

But, I mean, let's face it...

I can't love myself, why should anyone else?

I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm mouthy. I'm rude. I'm selfish. I'm insecure. And just fucking all around the worst possible person I could be.

I'm hideous... and no amount of anything is ever going to change how I feel.

So I'll never know love.

I'll just continue to bitch about it in a blog for the rest of my life.

But I just want to say...

The Beatles had it right.

It really is all that simple.

"I wanna hold your hand."

I know, I know...

I know that I shouldn't wish my life away... but I wish it was November.

I'm going crazy waiting for Harry Potter... and I don't even have anyone to go with yet :(

Mella ;)

Today is Spirit Day & National Love Your Body Day

Let me first say that I am wearing my purple shirt and purple earrings proudly. I know wearing purple won't do anything to change the fact that people are being taunted and bullied every day, but talking about it can make an impact. Even the smallest step forward is still a step.

I believe it's important to remember the young men and women who took their lives due to bullying. They deserve to be remembered just as much as anyone else because though their deaths were tragic, they are finally making us see how harmful bullying can be.

There is only one thing that bothers me about wearing purple in honor of these kids. It is not because wearing pink for breast cancer is more important or anything of that nature. It is simply that people are forgetting that people other than LGBTQ kids are bullied.

If a person is different, that person is taunted. They can be a different size, a different race, like different music, be of a different sexual orientation, or have a different disposition and they can be made fun of and bullied to the point where they can't stand it any longer.

It's not one group being hurt by bullying. It's the entire world. We need to fight all this hate with love. We need to remind people how damaging it is to be cruel. We need to remind them of Tyler Clementi. Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, and all the other kids who lost their live to bullies.

Because ultimately, they may take their own lives, but we all know who is really guilty.

The bullies. The bystanders who let the bullying happen. Those people are just as guilty of tying the knot in the nose as those who killed themselves.

By not stopping bullying, we're all held accountable for these tragedies.

As Daniel Radcliffe has said, we all owe it to each other to be better to one another. So let's start now.

Make more friends. Spread more love. Never forget what it's like when people are cruel to you. Fight the hate with love. Be kind. Be wonderful. But above all, just be yourself. You are never of less worth than anyone else. You are lovely and perfect and wonderful all on your own. So just keep being yourself and don't let people tell you you're anything less than beautiful.

[As an additional side note, today is National Love Your Body Day and you should go to my friend Laurel's website: Opinionated Girl vs. Wild, Wild World: NOW 's 13th Love Your Body Day and read more!]

XOXO

The Surest Way to Upset Me...

... is to be a member of my family.

Because all they ever do is let me down and hurt me beyond measure.

If I ever did actually decide to go through with suicide, I can tell you now, the only ones who would receive letters with nothing but sheer love and gratitude would be Cord and Papa.

They have never once done anything less than be good to me.
They've never called me fat or cussed at me.
They've never left me when I needed them.
They never told me they'd do something then didn't.
They're reliable and wonderful and I love them.

However, the rest of my family... would have very wordy letters.

(I wouldn't write Haley one. I couldn't. She's too young to grapple with that.)

Because they are all continuously breaking my heart.

It kills me.

It's been a while...

I really did try to keep it at bay, Christy, but it didn't work.

I'm depressed and I feel awful.

I just keep thinking about how everything would be the same if I'd never existed.

Because my life is pointless. My life is meaningless.

I've done nothing important. I'm just a blip.

My mother is no more of a mother than she was before I was born.

My father has other children.

My grandparents have other grandchildren, who they love more.

My friends have other friends.

If I never existed, everyone would've still done all the things they did.

Just, perhaps, with someone else. Someone not so pointless.

It's so miserable to feel this way.

But I'm just invisible. Worthless. Meaningless.

And that's how it's going to be for the rest of my pointless stupid life.

I hate me.

Random.

• Sometimes when I'm napping through the day, I cuddle my pillow and wrap my arms around it just to pretend I'm not alone.
• When it's cold, I like to get in one particular spot in the bed, wrapped in my cover and never move.
• People are stupid. Especially people who bully other people. There is no sense in that. At all. We are all created equal. ALL of us. So if you think you're better than someone else, you need to shut up and learn some humility.
• Whenever I look at my electric heater, I think of the time I spent living with Christy. I remember us freezing at nights before we got gas. I remember Oreo pissing everywhere when she got mad. I remember killing bugs. I remember watching House. Those were some of the best times.
• When I hear "Sleeping In" by the Postal Service, I think of Fall of '07 when Amber would drive me around Berry's campus and we would listen to the CD. It was good times then.
• Whenever I see Great American Cookie, I think of how disastrous Kayla's "surprise" party was because she didn't want to play in the fountain long enough for it to be a surprise!
• I remember the night Meghan, Laura Jane, Kalyn and I played Rock Band and we all discovered I didn't know how to be the singer. In spite of me not speaking to Kalyn or Laura, it was still a nice memory.
• I've got all these memories and no pictures of them. It's upsetting.
• I need more photographs of all my friends.
• I want a collage of all the things I love. I want to frame it and put it on my wall.
• I want to read Perks of Being a Wallflower.
• I want a boyfriend.
• I want to know I'm not going to be alone forever.
• I want my friends to stop saying "you're not going to be alone forever" just because I whine about it all the time.

Things I Supremely Dislike Right Now:

• When people open your door and do not shut it.
• When people assume that you don't maintain good hygiene without them having to tell you (seriously, harpy? I know how to bathe.)
• How cold my feet are currently.
• The fact that I forgot to do my homework and must do it tonight and turn it in two days late.
• The fact that I'm not hungry.
• The fact that I haven't talked to any of my far away friends recently. :(
• The fact that so many kids out there see better fit to end their life than deal with cruel bullying.
• The bullies.
• The fact I am not in England.

And I think that's it...