So, today wasn't the best day to start out with. It was storming outrageously bad last night. Lightning was right outside my window and the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down so hard I felt like I was suffocating. Then there was the fact that the house kept creaking. I couldn't sleep at all, so I stayed up, terrified.
When I finally went to sleep, it was uneasy...
Then I went to class and did all that and though I should be happy because it's my only day of school this week, I'm actually really upset.
My mom no longer has a job. I just found out today. I don't know whether they fired her or she quit, but, regardless, she's unemployed.
I asked my grandmother, calmly, why she hadn't told me.
She replied that I "would've stormed off in a huff because that's what I do."
It is not. I didn't even react to it. I just kind of shrugged it off.
Then she started telling me that I had no right to be mad at her for it, even though I'm not MAD at her. Then she told me that my dad was just as worthless as she was, which is a real sore spot for me.
My dad has done more for me than my mother ever did. Yes, he's made mistakes and, yes, he gets into tight spots and is a little selfish, but he has always tried his best to take care of me.
My "mother" stayed away from me as much as possible - except when around people who could see her. She never told me she loved me unless she'd just previously been yelling at me. She always felt her friends were more important than her family. She always spent her money on those friends, meaning we had no money. Which meant my grandparents had to buy me everything I really needed. And then she left when I was a senior. She left my father and I for another woman. I was unbelievably pissed. How could she do that to us?
Dad was broken. I literally had to start taking care of him. He was sad and helpless and it killed me to see him like that. He cried and I've never actually seen my dad cry but maybe twice.
So the two of us went through my senior year and toughed it out as much as we could. He helped me go to Savannah for graduation and then we tried to get everything situated to go to Berry, where I'd been wanting to go since I was 7. After a few loans and a talk with my grandparents, move in day was there. I cried when he left me because I'd never actually been away from him for a very long time.
Freshman year was both a blessing and a curse. My mother kept making life difficult for me. I cried from the stress of it. She would lie to me about dad and try to make me feel awful. Then my grandparents started taking up for her.
When I finally finished, I moved in with my aunt (my dad's sister) and the three of us lived pretty peacefully.
Over the last few years, things have been a roller coaster. We're either pretty good or we're terrible. There's really no in between.
But this argument that I've just had with Nana and the phone call I just had with dad made me wish I could go back to when it was just him and me. We took care of each other. I didn't have to answer ridiculous questions. He never made me feel inferior. He always told me he was proud of me. He gave me freedoms.
My entire life - where my family's concerned - has been this awful whirlwind of suck. And even when my dad sucks, he's still better than most of my other family. It pisses me off to hear them talk about him like that. It's the surest way to set me off.
Anyway, I'm sorry I spent all this time telling you my life story. I'm just upset and I want to leave and go somewhere for a while, but I can't. I have no way to go and no funds with which to do it. So I'm stuck here. In my bedroom. Where I stay 90% of the time.
I never go out and do anything. I leave this house maybe 3 - 4 times a month (outside of school.) It's like a prison and I'm really sick of it.
Love,
Mella
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