Oh my Godric

2010 is almost over.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

I can't. DAMN.

I need some resolutions I can actually keep!

The Secret Life of Losers:

So, in the past few days, someone got the brilliant idea that we should begin a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-esque trio... complete with book club/tea party/scrapbooking adventures.

It's still up in the air as far as if we'll follow through with it, but it does sound pretty exciting. Especially the book club part.

Today we began our first foray into the Sisterhood-hoodoo. We made matching necklaces. They all have Mardi Gras beads and a golden owl. :) The owl's our symbol... because we're odd looking and never sleep? XD

This is a closer up view of the necklace... and my cleavage. Sorry!

It's super cute. I'll probably wear it most of the time. I mean, the owl is adorable and it's my three favorite colors, isn't it? :)

I think that's about it. Mainly because I'm feeling a bit hungry and I'm going to see if I can guilt someone into making an egg sandwich.

Probably not, but wish me luck.

Love,

Mella

For the first time in my life,

I have had an incredible Christmas.

For every Christmas in the past, I've spent nights cooped up in my room, completely alone, generally crying... My family's never cared much for the holiday... or for me so I hadn't much hopes for the holiday.

However, this year was wonderful. Not because of the snow... though it was pretty nice. You know, because it never happens in Georgia... and it was a white Christmas... which has, like, never happened in my entire life.

It was a wonderful Christmas because I spent it with people who actually care about me... People who made sure that I was entertained and having fun.

I got gifts that I actually appreciated a lot (including a Union Jack fan!) But I also got to play Pictionary with one of the coolest guys I've ever met... (and we dominated! Hell yes!), I got to participate in a Chinese Auction (Hello automatic counting money jar!), had my hair played with, got a new Toshiba laptop (which is so fantastic I cannot even tell you), bought tons of books, have a friendship necklace (complete with mardi gras beads and an owl!) ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND I've just had a generally wonderful time.

I even got to play Spades, Bullshit, and Spoons. :)

It's just been great. I hope 2011 holds many more weekends like this one.

I hope you guys are staying warm.

I love you.

Mella

Writing from my new Toshiba...

And I am struck with an incredible desire to write! Oh, if only I could.

I love you guys and I hope you had a very merry Christmas.

I Got a Toshiba!

But I'm gonna miss this ACER. :(

We've been through some rough times.

PLUS all my stuff is saved on here! And I just got WORD!

Happy Christmas Eve!

I don't really have much to say right now. Tonight my family will come together, eat, bitch, and ultimately open gifts.

I will hate it the entire time (especially considering Scott and my mother will be there), but as of right now, I don't give a fuck.

I just finished a really hard book to get through (ohmygodIwantedittoendsobadly) and now I'm moving on to the other ten books I swore to read. Next up is Blood and Chocolate.

I've been asked to read Dead Until Dark but I really don't want to.

I'm so sick of vampires.

And from what I know of TruBlood (which, I know, is not legitimately the same thing), I hate Sookie Stackhouse.

So... I'd just rather not.

But I'm not unhappy.

I just know I will be again eventually.

It's so nice :)

I cannot even begin to explain how I feel about this kid. He was this annoying brat who continuously bugged me for half my life and now, he's one of the only people in my family who I genuinely like. I love him ridiculously and cannot imagine my life without him.

If I ever get married, I want him to give me away. He's the only person in my family who has never hurt me. Ever. And anytime I'm hurting, it's like he KNOWS I am because he shows up and makes me feel better...

I know he'll never read this - and I'd be embarrassed if he did, truthfully, but if he ever does: I love you, Cord. Thank you for always making me smile when I'm down. You're the only person I know who can.

/end

I REALLY do :)

For once, I really do have a happy in my heart place. For the most part, I've gotten my Christmas list settled. I just need to buy them (which is happening online, of course.) I know I'm a little late in it, but I'm really pleased by what I'm getting everyone. And I just feel really GOOD, you know?

I'm happy. All on my own. It's insane.

Liam never loved you.

Today was a fun day.

Which is pretty great because I don't have many of those.

It started out meeting Kali at K-mart.

She gave me my gift, which was a hilarious box of gag-type gifts. I almost cried I was laughing so hard.

Then we went to see RED (Helen Mirren is beautiful) for $1.50. Movies for $1.50 are fantastic. Especially when you're the only people in the theatre.

When we got out, I had a text from Jesse. He was like, "Watching a movie?"

So I called him up and asked him why he was so obsessed with me. HA.

Then Kali and I went over to his house.

THEN SOMEHOW WE WENT TO KENNESAW FOR COLDSTONE.

It was brilliant. :D

We had a lot of fun screaming (me) and singing (them) on the ride. And just, overall, it was a pretty good day :)

As an aside...

I'm going to try writing tonight.

Anyone interested in being the most helpful person on Earth?

Let me know.

Amazing...

Today was the first day since my adolescence that the trip to my great aunt's for Christmas didn't make me want to die.

Generally, it's pretty awful.

But today, Haley and I didn't fight.

Nana and I didn't argue.

Noone complained (except Rachel, who I would like to jackslap and I've never wanted to do that to a ginger before.)

I walked in and Kris instantly begged me to sit and talk to her... Cord and Vicky were there... Everything was good.

We even took pictures. Haley, Cord and I.

It was oddly nice.

We ate, opened our cards, Cord and Jordan played songs and I sang (badly, of course.)

But it was just really nice for once.

I didn't feel inferior to any of them and it was just a good day.

:)

All better...

I found these pictures lurking on a social networking site that shall remain nameless... and I remembered all the really good times I had at Berry when I was a freshman. Now I'm feeling nostalgic, but better.

So thank you Jenny. Thank you Kayla. Thank you Christy. Thank you everyone who friended me when I was just a freshman scared to death :)

Oh no.

I'm having one of THOSE moments.

You know, the moment where I can't exactly figure out why I'm so unattractive.

It's just baffling to me because sometimes I think I'm really pretty... and other people just don't.

So I assume I'm not.

I've heard that "it's all about confidence" mumbo jumbo, but come on.

It's really about how pretty/skinny/slutty you are.

It has nothing to do with your character or your thoughts.

You have to be conventionally beautiful for anyone to actually find you attractive.

Atleast, that's how it goes in this stupid ass town.

And now I will return to my pity party and cry about how noone thinks I'm pretty.

I will return later and/or tomorrow in better spirits.

This is what I love:

I love things that make me feel inspired. People, songs, movies, books... Anything that inspires me to be something just resounds with me.

I say this because I've just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower and I really identify with Charlie (minus the drugs and sex.) I think that's probably odd to identify with him because of what's happened to make him how he is... but I still do.

He's awkward and he doesn't "participate" and he's a wallflower. I am too.

Perks is the kind of book that I like to read and then take a few hours to sink in before I start something else.

The way the book is written - the letters to the mystery person - is like a diary... but it's honest and it's real and it really makes you think.

Ha. Listen to me trying to wax philosophical.

I think, really, what I'm trying to say is this book really reminds me how important friends are.

I know you've read entry after entry where I gush about my friends, but this book makes me want to cry (SPOILER ALERT: Charlie cries a lot) because I'm just that thankful for my friends. Really, incredibly thankful.

sdjfisdfjisdfsdfsdfs

I mean, they're all different. None of them are the same and I'm never the same person around any of them. I'm a Charlie. I'm who they want me to be. Which is a bummer and at the same time it's not.

It means each friend offers a different experience.

I understand Charlie. He doesn't participate. He's just there and at the same time he's not. I'm not sure what's wrong with me... But I highly doubt I'm going to have a Charlie-esque epiphany that's going to bring everything to light.

I'm really not trying to pretend like I'm being thought provoking or whatever. This book really just made me think.

And I wish I could convey to you exactly what I think. But, unlike Charlie, I can never find the words.

I'm Just Saying...

If anyone wants to send me a Christmas card, I'm all for it.

:)

TILT | Baby, It's Cold Outside

Happy Early Christmas!

So, it's cold outside... there's ice on the road... and I'm couped up in my room covered in blankets... on a Thursday. I think this means it's time for a TILT.

:)

veronica mars (specifically logan echolls) | spending time with my friends, especially on their birthday | red velvet cake - even if it sucks and falls apart | being a wallflower at parties i didn't want to attend anyway | perks of being a wall flower (so far, atleast) | straightening my hair for the first time in decades and having it look halfway decent! | shakespeare's tavern | LoVe | Christy's mom - she's one of the best mothers ever and, though i don't do so often, i'm praying for her | Christy's leather couch - that thing is nice. | having paternal talks with dogs | dancing around like an idiot with christy | "i wish i knew how to quit you. shh. it's not me. it's wu." | the bieste in glee - she's such a good character and i adore her! | rupert grint - as always | sorting hat quizzes that aren't ridiculously biased or obvious | "are you from africa?" "no, why?" "because AFRICAN love you." | dreaming of going to london | having good ideas for christmas gifts for friends | not knowing what i want for christmas | tangled | easy a | dreams you can share with your friends | christmas trees | 'we used to be friends' - the dandy warhols | and more!

"Duncan gave her chlamydia."

Here's to you, Christy. For being awkward and rude and snarky and great.

May neither of us date Duncans.

Hold out for the Logans!

BFF's... Forever!

:)

Happy Belated Birthday :) Je t'aime!

p.s. I think we both look exceptionally beautiful in this blurry photo.

Just saying.

Private Eyes...

So, I left on Saturday to head to Christy's for her birthday weekend.

I felt so much like Hagrid on my journey you have no idea. See, the reason I felt like Hagrid is because in addition to the Hogwarts Acceptance Letter I carried, I also brought her a cake! :)

Though her parents are MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH nicer, kinder, and etc. than the Dursley's. :)

I guess she enjoyed her gift... She didn't SAY any differently... It's really hard to tell what Christy likes though...

Anyway, after that, we had a bit of a scuffle trying to prepare a gingerbread cake for the party, which, as we predicted, was an insanely huge waste of our time and quite boring.

We were total wall flowers. Except when I beat them (Christy and Kristi) at Pool and Fooseball. :) (The latter completely by myself 10-3)

After that evening was blissfully over, we retired to the Prewett house where we... watched Veronica Mars? There was sleeping too at some point.

Sunday all we did was watch Veronica Mars... and we now have stupid things to say to one another... :)

Monday was Christy's 22nd birthday and after we watched an episode of Veronica Mars, we got ready for the trip to ATL with Kristi and Allicia. We had a bit of car trouble, but eventually we made it to Shakespeare's Tavern and we watched A Christmas Carol. Later we ate at Steak'n'Shake and then we went home to - you guessed it - Veronica Mars.

The next day consisted of Veronica Mars. Again.

AND I LEFT TODAY.

I'm sure she's super happy to be rid of me at last! :)

But yes, that's my entire past few days in their entirety. Enjoy.

Tomorrow.

Leaving for Christy's tomorrow.

I'm really excited to give her her gift.

If she doesn't like it, I will promptly run to one of your houses and fling myself onto your bed, lamenting my sad pathetic existence.

Just saying.

Because I think this gift is REALLY excellent.

Aside from that, I really just wish they'd post grades!

I keep going to the site only to say things like "dammit!" and "fuck!" because it still says WIP.

FUCK!

Now I'm going to return to reading Perks of Being a Wallflower while I wait Jilly's return to AIM.

Amazon Wish List

I'm currently stumbling through Amazon.com, trying to decipher (in the midst of EVERYTHING) what I shall purchase for my friends this holiday season.

However, in a quite unMelissa manner, I am also making a wish list of my own. The thing about it is, I can't think of anything I want. :/

Even if I could decide though, I wouldn't dare ask for any of it.

So, it's kind of moot to keep a wish list, isn't it?

I Can't Remember...

So, I can't recall if I've told you about my pen pal yet or not...

Assuming I haven't... (which, let's be honest, is probably the case,) let me tell you a little bit about her.

First off, her name is Autumn. She's from Texas. And she's a Slytherin.

Next, she dyes her hair pink, she has a dark mark tattoo, and she's a really excellent artist.

She's really hilarious, too. In every single letter she sends, she'll draw tons of doodles that make me LOL! And she always draws something witty on the envelope! (See below!)

The first letter she ever sent me was on Harry Potter stationary. Talk about bad ass.

And yes, there is a theme developing here.

Our entire pen-pal-ship began with Harry Potter... and, honestly, it hasn't deviated much in the letters. Mostly just because I'm in school (and my life is boring) and she's trying to get into school (though her life may or may not be boring...)

EITHER WAY, she's really wicked cool and her letters always make my day.

Holy Jamma Lamma!

We've been through a lot together, haven't we online journal?

We've been together for 205 long blog posts. It's been a roller coaster of emotion!

We've got some pretty heavy baggage...

Now, I must be honest with you, now that I've admitted this, I've thought several times about starting a new blog.

Before you get upset - as I know you will - let me just say, I've decided I won't.

After all, you know all my light and my dark.

I can't leave you.

At the same time though, I can't just start being happy and pretending none of it happened...

Regardless, I want to try to make this relationship more than just bitching and whining and feeling sorry for myself.

I hope you help me because you've been loyal so far!

:)

:/

I've been crying for no reason all night/morning.

I don't like it.

I Am a Goldfish.

For all of my life - as far as my family is concerned, I have been a goldfish.

By this, I mean that they have grudgingly housed me, occasionally remembered to feed me, and stared at me sometimes...

Their nurturing goes no farther than this.

And, I want to say, I do realize a lot of people have it worse than me and I cannot dwell on this fact forever...

My problem is I'm egocentric in this regard. I feel like I'm the only person who has ever felt everything I feel.

But I'm often told I'm not.

"Everyone feels that way. Noone is perfect."

Sure, noone is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone feels poorly at some point.

But see, there are these people of "everyone" who soldier up and feel better eventually.

Then there are people like me, who consistently feel poorly, but generally fake "better" pretty well.

And then... there are those people who commit suicide.

I feel like these people do this because they feel noone listens to them or that they have noone to talk to about when they feel poorly.

I imagine that they probably - at some point - did try to talk to someone and that person probably did what a lot of my friends do when I'm depressed. They "tried to make it better" by saying whatever that person wanted to hear.

But the truth is, when you're depressed, you just want to tell someone how you feel and you really just want that person to LISTEN and CARE. You want someone to care what's going on and actually genuinely be concerned.

Which brings me back to my original point.

I am a goldfish. I am a lone goldfish in a glass bowl.

The most care I've received is an occasional feeding by my forgetful "owners."

I can't talk to them about anything.

They never listen.

And when I talk to my friends, they just try to make me feel better.

Or they apologize.

Which is something I do too. When someone feels poorly, I say "I'm so sorry." Because, really, I'm not sure what else to say. I'm a really good listener and I care deeply for people... but I'm not much of a problem solver.

So my reflex is "I'm sorry."

But what I mean by "I'm sorry" is "I truly am sorry you're not feeling well right now. I'm here for you. I don't really know what to do, but if you need to talk more or if you need someone to hug you, I can do that. I love you and I hope you feel better soon."

When most people say they're sorry, I'm sure they just mean that they're sorry the person is feeling poorly.

But that doesn't really help does it?

Truth.

I wish that there was one person who could look at me and honest to God just think I was the most beautiful thing on Earth.

I wish someone could look at me and tell me I was beautiful or pretty... Not because I'm sad or because I just want to hear it, but because they believe it, you know?

I look in the mirror and I see a whole lot of ugly.

I just assume that's what everyone else sees too.

And the only time anyone counters this thought is when I'm depressed and telling everyone how I feel...

They only say it to make me feel better.

But it doesn't.

I know they're just saying it because they think I want to hear it.

And I do. But I want them to mean it. I want them to believe it.

I want them to look at me and think. "Wow, she's really beautiful."

Not just "on the inside."

You tell people they're beautiful on the inside just because they're sort of unfortunate looking.

I don't want to be "beautiful on the inside."

I want to be beautiful on the outside.

I want people to believe I'm beautiful and tell me.

But it's a hopeless wish, isn't it?

I guess I'll get over it someday.

Hey, hey, you, you:

First off, a hearty congratulations to Christy Prewett who finally gave Ho Lo the what for! After over two years of being their miserable little slave, she finally quit! She's incredibly happy now and I'm happy for her! :) Way to go! I can't wait to celebrate your resignation AND your birthday next weekend! I hope you love your gift~ :)

Aside from that, all I've got to say is that I went to see Tangled with Kali. It's just as wonderful the second time. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD! I'll be the first one in line to buy it~ :D After all, I finally have a princess! And Flynn Ryder is fantastic, too! And Pascal! And Maximus! Oh, it's just a fantastic little movie. I hate Disney for not making more!

And tomorrow Kali and I will be venturing forth to Chattanooga to scour McKay's for books! I'm so excited~ I just hope we don't get lost!

But... yes... that's my life. I've got one more final left... but once I've finished, I'm done! :D Until next semester!

Now I'm gonna go watch Princess and the Frog... again. :)

p.s. 200th post!

Problems of a Very Unique Kind.

So, my problem is that I want to make a list of all the things which I desire - not for Christmas (just in general), but I'm frightened those of you that read might actually take it into your head to get them for me. :/

I know it sounds stupid, but I don't want this. You are already my dearest and most adored friends, I can ask no more of you than that.

Irregardless - I'm going to make a list anyhow. (After all, I do need a list of things to ask my parents for because if I ask for money, I never buy myself anything, which can be proven by the fact I spent 75% of my money on gifts for other people, food for other people, movie tickets for other people, and etc.)

So, without further adieu, my list (in NO particular order):

• Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion (DVD)
• Daria: The Complete Season (DVD)
• Spice World (DVD)
• Then 10th Kingdom (DVD)
• Little Women (DVD)
• A League of Their Own (DVD)
• 13 Going on 30 (DVD)
• A Little Princess (DVD)
• Inception (DVD)
• Wild Target (DVD)
• TONS OF BOOKS
• Assistance in making myself the most badass and Melissa-esque collage ever
• Something written especially for me (THIS, you may get me.)
• Sweets that I shouldn't consume (particularly red velvet cake!)
• Clothes
• Somebody to love~
• A Harry Potter MARATHON
• A trip to Wizarding World of Harry Potter... with someone less... ahem.
• To be beautiful
• To feel beautiful
• A trip to Great Britain
• Rupert Grint
• Rupert Grint's love and affections
• A new car (atleast new to me!)
• A home
• People to actually reply to texts. :/ Jenny's the only one who ever does anymore (Thank you, dear Jenny!)
• To lose weight.
• To grow out my hair and see if I hate it (I probably will.)
• To go to sleep right now and try this again tomorrow.

... I got a little extravagant there towards the end, didn't I? Yikes!

Oh Wednesday...

Why do you make me so sleepy?

Yesterday was an exhausting day. I fell asleep not long after that last post. And then I woke up at 10 o'clock to the sound of my phone dying...

Now all I want to do is go back to sleep.

I think this can be arranged, as I'm almost finished with school and I have yet to decide which book I'll read next. I finished Stardust a few moments ago and will probably watch the movie (which is VERY different) before I decide.

Any suggestions?

Update (Before November is OFFICIALLY OVER)

So, I got to school an entire hour early, I pulled EDU 344 stuff out of my ass (and uploaded my recordings to live text - now only TWO things are due and I'm completely finished!)

Then I went to class and - oh my word - that lovely woman brought doughnuts and juice boxes! This fat ass right here automatically grabbed THE ONLY GRAPE JUICE BOX AND THE ONLY RED VELVET DOUGHNUT. Both of which were insanely delicious.

Afterwards, I went to the lab to work on my article... Ansley got us food. (Thank god, I was starving!)

THEN I presented my lesson plan.

Truth be told, I'm kind of pissed.

She "took me aside" to talk about it and ALL SHE DID WAS PRAISE ME.

I know this is a good thing, but at the same time... how can you spend all this time telling ME what a good job I did and tearing my classmates down? They worked HARDER THAN I DID! They deserve more credit than I and they damn sure don't need you looking down your nose at them. It pains me so deeply to see them cry just because you're unable to see what a terribly unspecific teacher you are. We went into this lesson plan BLIND. You can't blame us for messing up.

Anyway, after that was over, it was off to PED 230 and, honestly, just fuck that class.

Spending five hours listening to a teacher tell us how to play games... just is not my idea of useful.

Instead, I could've been home reading, which is all I seem to be doing lately. I burn through books like it's insane now. I just started Stardust last night and I'm less than 50 pages away from finishing! :)

I'm so excited to read the next book (which I have yet to decide on.)

But speaking of being excited, here are a few other things I am excited for:

1. Christy Michelle's birthday and our wonderful plans for this day. (Especially my gift. I am all things awesome in the world due to this gift.)

2. Going to McKay's and getting LOADS for books for SUPER cheap.

3. Being done with this semester (which will happen next Tuesday after my ONLY final.)

4. KIDNAPPING JENNY!

5. Christmas shopping. (Hey, I enjoy it. Especially when it's for those I love most!)

6. CHRISTMAS FOOD.

7. Sleeping in!

And, gosh, I'm sure there's a billion more things.

But that's all that comes to mind currently, so instead of wasting my could-be-reading time, I'll just bid you good night.

I hope your November was brilliant! Have an equally amazing Christmas.

(And remember, Christ Prewett, your PHONE told us that this December 31st, we must be together for something AWESOME to occur.)

Today

Today is going to be the longest day in the world for me.

I have to get to school early to try to prepare SOMETHING for my EDU 344 class.

Then I have to go to math and try to RESIST the teacher's insistence that I take the final to "better my grade," even though - since it's cumulative - I'll probably do worse on it than I did any of the other tests.

Then it's off to 344, where I hopefully have my audio fixed! (And the transcript! Shit!)

After this, I have two hours in which I have to do the following: upload things to livetext, prepare to teach my lesson plan, and study for my test at six.

Ugh. Then comes EDU 325. I hate this class... Not the people in it, but just the class overall.

Anyway, after I stumble through my lesson plan, I head over to the gym for PED 230... WHICH LASTS UNTIL 11PM.

Then I'll come home and die.

THUS IS MY DAY.

Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus...

I've been a dedicated (okay, semi-dedicated) blogger on this blog since August 28, 2009. That's over a year! Actually, that's pretty much EXACTLY one year and two months. Sweet! :)

I realize it's been a roller coaster with my emotions being what they are, but for my friends that read it (even if they just read it once in a blue moon), I appreciate you caring about what I have to say. Especially when you put up with my emo-whining about how miserable I am and la di da di da.

I really do TRY not to be this person, but - and I think it's time I tried to explain myself better - it doesn't work.

See, my emotions are capable of changing faster than a runway model. I can be perfectly happy one moment and then instantly - and for no reason - just become absolutely hopeless.

Some days I see myself getting married and having kids and being perfectly happy.

Some days I see myself marrying the first man I meet and being miserable/fighting with him every day of my life (much like my parents.)

Some days I see myself living out my entire life alone, watching all my friends fall in love and be happy...

And the last two REALLY get to me. Because all I really want is the first one... and I know that to achieve the first one I have to be someone who isn't me.

I have to be someone who is confident and happy and exciting and just... not me.

I'm the exact opposite of all those things 98% of the time. I can't meet people because when I leave my comfort zone, there's always someone to make fun of me. And, yes, I know, I could work out and diet and lose the weight, but that's not going to change my features, is it? It's not going to change how frizzy and hideous my hair is or how large my breasts are :/ It's not going to change the fact that 75% of the time, I can't breathe through my nose and I drop food all over my shirts...

I'm just not someone anyone would want. I have to completely change myself to attain attention and I don't want to because as much as I loathe myself, I don't see what's wrong with me.

Again, yes I'm fat and my hair is ugly and my breasts are too big (as my friends often remind me, not caring that it might ACTUALLY hurt my feelings by the way), but - aside from being boring (due to social anxieties) - I don't see much wrong with my personality.

I'm insecure and self conscious, but I'm a really good person most of the time. I'm loyal and I'd do almost anything for the people I love. I'm encouraging and sometimes funny. I think I have decent taste in music (and occasionally movies.) I make mistakes and I'm probably friends with some people I shouldn't be, but I think I'm not any worse than anyone else.

So why should I have to change to get people to notice me?

I don't understand...

And I know that my friends try to help by telling me I do have a great personality, I just have to go out and meet guys, and all that other encouraging friend-talk, but I have social anxieties. I don't like large groups of people and I really hate being out of my comfort zone.

I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life being shoved out of my bubble, but I don't want go there yet.

I think I've probably lost my way in this blog... But I think the point is the same. All I ever really wanted (and still want) is to be loved.

I wanted my mother to love me.

I wanted my father to love me.

I wanted my grandparents to love me.

I wanted the rest of my family to love me.

I wanted my friends to love me.

And I wanted a man to love me.

I want someone to think the sun shines out my ass. If Juno achieved this with that Bleaker kid, then why can't I? (Note: Because this is real life and not a movie staring Michael Cera, that's why.)

It's just... frustrating and upsetting.

God, I hope I get over it.

Good Morning, Blog

It's Sunday! (At least I think it is)

There's not really anything overly exciting about this day - aside from Post Secret being updated today - however, I'm going to use it as my overly belated Thanksgiving post (and to gush about how darling Tangled was.)

Batter up:

Things I Am Thankful For

• First, I am thankful for my life. I bitch and complain about it pretty much constantly. But the thought of death is terrifying. I prefer to be alive to experience all the good things... even if it means putting up with the bad.
• I am thankful for having a home. It may not be filled with all the love I could want, but it's a place to lay my head - a place to feel safe. And I am thankful for it.
• I am thankful for knowing what I want in life, even if they all seem impossible to achieve right now.
• I am thankful for having things like a computer, an ipod, a cell phone, a car, and other things I take for granted every day.
• I am thankful for nourishment.
• I am thankful for my family, in spite of how angry and sad they make me.
• I am thankful for my good memories and even the bad a little, too. They make the good ones seem all the more sweeter.
• I am thankful for Harry Potter. I grew up with him and I cannot imagine my childhood without him, Ron, and Hermione. :)
• I am thankful for my health and the health of those I love. I complain about having dry skin, fat feet, being chubby, poor eyesight and etc, but atleast I'm healthy.
• I am thankful for people who go out and do good in the world.
• I am thankful for music, movies, and books that keep me sane and help me keep my faith in the world and in love.
• But most importantly I am truly thankful for those who love me. My friends. The people who throw me parties and stand outside my window in the freezing cold. I love you guys.

Now that that's done...

I must say that Tangled was a cute movie.

I've always been kind of sad that the only princess I could "claim" was Aurora who I, of course, thought was a moron (Talking to strangers and animals, touching something someone told her not to, an inability to be anything other than beautiful.) It was childish of me, but I wanted Rapunzel to be a Princess I could relate to and LO and behold, Disney pulled through for me.

She was clumsy, spastic, trust worthy, a bit crazy, and, well, pretty awesome.

So, you know, there's that. :)

Aside from how great this movie is, I'm highly disappointed with Disney.

Apparently this is the last fairy-tale movie they'll be making because five and six year olds prefer to think of themselves as "hot" rather than as princesses.

So, you know, Disney's headed in a more Playboy direction and forsaking the good old princesses like Belle and Mulan.

Asshats.

I really hope Disney suffers for this idiocy. I can promise I won't be watching any of their films (or probably their tv shows though this is no great stretch as I never watch tv) until they come to their senses.

ANNNNNNNND that's really all I've got.

I'm sleepy anyway.

Au revoir!

p.s. I gave up on NaNoWriMo, but I've started writing something else. About sisters~ :D Wish me luck!

Just saying...

Not like I would know... But I WANT TO GO! :'(

Guilt.

I feel really bad that I never write in my journal. I mean, I write in it when I've got time/something exciting happens, but generally it just sits all forlorn on my dresser.

But it should know me by now. Nothing exciting happens in my life. Not really.

I mean, there's the occasional fluke where something occurs... but generally, I have no life.

It's because I suck, but whatever.

THIS LESSON PLAN IS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME.

No, seriously, I've worked my ass off trying to think of a way to do what she fucking wants of me, but I still haven't done it.

It's shit and I have nothing good to turn in tomorrow.

I'm so pissed. Mostly at her for being an unhelpful bitch.

JSEISDJFSDJFSDJHFIJS.

INTENSE ANGER.

:(

So, today in PE we talked about being fat.

Now I'm no stranger to the truth that I am fat. I'm actually more aware of it than people realize. I hate it and I hate myself for not doing enough to fix it.

I'm unmotivated because everyone tells me I can't.

I need someone to tell me I can.

Because my BMI is in the obese range.

I need to lose 100 pounds to be healthy.

Not joking.

Someone help me?

Open foot, insert mouth.

Well, I'd spent all day Friday complaining about how awful my life was because my birthday sucked. Then I ran hither and thither before ultimately making my way to Rome to hang out with Meghan.

This is the point in the story where I, Melissa, admit to being a moron.

Meghan and I met at Barnes and Noble and she, being the minx she is, tricked me into believing it was an ordinary day.

I climbed into her matrix (no pills involved - haha!) and we headed off to her house. I told her how awful my birthday was and just complained utterly about everything - as I am prone to do...

When we arrived, I went in said hello to her parents and followed her upstairs... After this, she went back downstairs before calling me down as well. Then, we headed into the basement under the premise that we would be assisting her brother.

However... her brother was not downstairs. Instead, two of my best friends were waiting for me.

I could've cried. But, I held it together.

I called Jenny a liar and hugged them all.

Those three girls planned a surprise party and I felt like an ungrateful git.

Since that party, all I've been able to think about is how TRULY blessed I am to have them in my life.

They really do love me and went to great feats (such as driving to Alabama, lying to me, making me CAKES from Harry Potter, putting up with my singing, and watching Frasier) to insure I had a happy birthday weekend.

That's love.

I just... I can't ever fully convey just how much I love them and appreciate them, but I want them to know if they stumble across this blog... that I truly do love them like sisters and I want all the best for them because they deserve it.

They deserve to be happy because they are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, awkward people who made friends with an equally awkward girl like me.

I love you all very much, please don't forget that.

As if anyone cares...

So, some of you (aka: does anyone even bother anymore?) may've noticed that my birthday was Thursday.

It was utter shit and I don't want to dwell on it or remember it. I'll just pout and whine like a four year old whose lollipop was snatched from her before she could even begin to enjoy it.

However, yesterday was quite wonderful.

I went out to the school, little people sang Happy Birthday to me and gave me lots of hugs... Then I came home and watched stupid movies with Crystal... After she left, I played HORSE with Haley (which was actually pretty fun - go figure!)

Once I had won (haha!) that game, we goofed off for a bit before I went to hurriedly shower... Then, I panicked. I was meeting my friend Laurel at Starbucks (where I only had a vague idea of where it was) and it would be the first time we'd ever officially met.

So, I called upon Haley. We're really the only "sisters" we've got... so I'm trying to be a better one for her. Anyway, she came and brushed my hair... then attempted to fix it for me... It was cute.

After she had left, I had to take it down (as this hairstyle is only cute on small children) and figure out something to do with it on my own... but the fact that she tried to help was much appreciated. :)

THENNNNNNNNNN IT WAS OFF TO CARTERSVILLE!

I was sitting in my car at Starbucks for a bit, texting Jenny... when I see someone outside my window and I freak out! It's LAUREL!

We met and she had my present (which was FANTASTICALLY AMAZING and HOMEMADE!) I adored it and I adore her. She was wonderful and she bought me dinner (which I actually feel really guilty for, but I didn't mention it because I didn't want to be THAT GIRL.)

Then we went back to chez Laurel for our write in.

I got 600 words written, but that doesn't matter.

It was fantastic.

I had so much fun and I hope we hang out again.

:D

suhdjjasdasd

I now have a Gryffindor shirt.

But I don't think I want to go to the Deathly Hallows premiere.

Atleast not with people. :/

So, I suppose it's kind of counter-productive to buy a shirt for it...

True story.

I can never find the words to convey just how much I abhor myself.

I cannot express how pointless I find my existence.

I'm shit with words.

Self Conclusion.

I flirt with the notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion.

But, you see, the trick is that I'm never supposed to act on it;

No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

No one would really miss me if I weren't here anymore...

If I finally ran away or did something a little more drastic,

They'd cry for a bit... and people could say "you were such a good friend."

But then something would happen; a party or a date and they'd forget I ever existed.

It's nights like these... when everyone is out having fun that I remember that fact.

I'm not essential to anyone's life and no one would miss me if I wasn't here anymore.

No one wants to waste their time with me.

And those that do probably don't have anything better to do.

Because god knows I'm the last person people want to hang out with.

If I wasn't, I think they'd try a little harder.

I'm sick of trying to be someone they want to hang out with.

It's so much effort wasted.

So I'm just going to be who I am:

A boring and depressed girl with low self confidence, a family that breaks her heart, and no hope for her life.

I wish...

I wish I were someone else.

ANFHJKMSDFSHDF

The title is the only way I can describe my mood currently. I mean, not that you guys want to know, but on top of EVERYTHING ELSE, I am cramping something FIERCE (which never happens. I maybe dying.)

Ugh.

Actually, you probably don't care about anything I have to say period, so this is really more for me to just vent and rant (which probably explains why it's so depressing.)

Either way, here's my day in a nutshell:

Shitty, awful, terrible morning filled with tears and the decision to skip class.

Kennesaw with Christy, which probably single-handedly kept me from driving off a cliff or something equally as fatal.

Did NOT get hit on by British employee at Border's. Christy's blind.

Went home.

But now that my day's over, I'm back to being depressed. :(

Why does everyone I love want to leave me?

Truthfully...

I honestly do need to start putting some effort into being more dedicated/organized concerning my school work, more prompt with doing my home work, less depressing in my blogging, and more active.

Aside from these not so new epiphanies, the only new news I have is I'm partaking in NaNoWriMo.

Haha. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.

I never write anymore...

And when I do, it's utter shit.

There's no way I'll get 50,000 words in a month!

Hell, I don't even do most of my classwork...

But what the fuck ever.

I'm going to give it a shot.

I'll crash and burn, but what else is new?

All My Life: A Confession.

All my life, these were the things I need to learn:

• Anytime my mother tells me she will do something, it really means she'll do either the exact opposite or absolutely nothing. In other words, you can not count on her.
• If I want to feel really bad about myself, I just walk into the same room with my grandmother.
• If I have a best friend, they'll eventually grow bored of me and go off in search of greener pastures - in other words, no matter how hard I try to be someone they want around or need, they will always, always leave.
• Loving people gives them the power to break your heart - and they generally do just that.
• I will never be beautiful. Hours spend day dreaming otherwise are pointless and a waste of time.
• No one is going to come fix me. I'm going to be this screwed up, depressed mistake for the rest of my life.
• People only keep me around because of what I'm willing to do for them... and I'm willing to do a lot.
• I'm willing to do almost anything to be needed, wanted, and loved.
• However, I'm unlovable and have no redeeming qualities.
• Whenever I don't want to do something, I'm "sick."
• I cry. All the time.
• There is no such thing as true love. There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. I will never have happily ever after. Ever.
• Everyone always leaves. Even if they put up with you for a while, they're just waiting until the opportune moment.
• I will always be fat because no one believes I can be anything other than fat. It's my identifier. Fatass.
• I will be alone for the rest of my life because I'm afraid to be made fun of. I am afraid of social situations. I hate people. I will never make any more friends or leave my room.
• I hate myself. I always will because I suck. As before stated, there is nothing redeeming about me in the slightest.
• Blogging about things does absolutely nothing for me and no one gives enough of a shit about me to read this anyway.

If I Ever Went to Hogwarts...

I would beg the Sorting Hat to put me in Hufflepuff so that I could be completely invisible all seven years.

No one would notice me.

Nothing bad would happen to me.

I'd do the same things every day... without notice or recognition.

But it would be okay... Because it's better for people not to know you exist than to consistently break your heart for things you can't help.

I do a really good job of it, too...

Reasons I Absolutely Cannot Stand PDA.

So, you're looking around on your news feed on Facebook, checking to see what your friends are up to when you see it.

"Hey baby, I love you so much. It's been two hours since I last saw you and I'm just dying. Booger boo, will you come see me tomorrow morning before work? I'll cry if you don't. You know your angel pie loves you and you should love her too. I love you, baby. Mwah."

Then you feel it... everything you've eaten that day just rises up in your throat and you feel like you're going to vomit.

I mean, it probably doesn't help that I hate people... but come the fuck on.

All of Facebook doesn't need fucking proof that you're a fucking idiot - I'm sure they probably know.

What the fuck is it about "being in love" that makes people act like they've never fucking seen another person in their life?

Ugh.

It's just so obnoxious.

The pet names.

The inside jokes.

The giggling.

The PICTURES WITH FUCKING KISSING.

The constantly writing on each other's walls and pictures about HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.

Seriously?

Fuck that.

It's annoying. And I realize the number of times I've dropped the F-bomb is probably pretty annoying too, but you know, it just fucking pisses me off.

It's like you have to rub it in everyone's faces that you're happy.

But it's also like you're only happy because you're with that person.

WHICH SHOULD NEVER BE THE CASE.

IF YOU CANNOT BE HAPPY BY YOURSELF, THEN YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

And yes, I realize I'm preaching to myself with that last one.

But seriously, you talk about how happy you are with this person, how happy they make you... Well what the fuck is so wrong with you that you can't just be happy by yourself?

Because, ultimately, you can't expect that person to always make you happy.

That's asking TOO MUCH.

You have to be able to be happy independent of people before you can expect others to make you happy.

I could rant on this all day.

Rant about chicks before dicks.

Bros before hoes.

How stupid it is to have pictures of kissing.

How fucking ridiculous it is to refer to each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." - What the fuck is so wrong with your names that you have to refer to each other by this?

ifgjfsddjksfsdjfsd

THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF WHAT WE MAKE LOVE OUT TO BE NOW ABSOLUTELY SICKENS ME.

Love should be this wonderful thing.

This awe-inspiring, butterfly-inducing feeling.

And that's not what it is anymore.

It's girls being stupid and boys wanting to get lucky.

And sometimes, it's boys being stupid and girls wanting to get lucky.

It's all about Facebook relationship statuses and not actually BEING with that person.

It's about proving you have someone instead of proving to that person you love them.

It's being in a relationship for a week before changing your status back to single and seeking out the next beau.

We're like social networking sharks who only have relationships to tell people about them.

Which is stupid. And not love at all. Even though we like to pretend.

It's never what it was supposed to be.

It just makes me so upset.

Because people are fucking idiots.

I'm a fucking idiot.

But that's okay, because I'm going to die alone.

I'm never going to besmirch what love should mean by making it cheap and fake.

And yes, that does break my heart a little.

But, I mean, let's face it...

I can't love myself, why should anyone else?

I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm mouthy. I'm rude. I'm selfish. I'm insecure. And just fucking all around the worst possible person I could be.

I'm hideous... and no amount of anything is ever going to change how I feel.

So I'll never know love.

I'll just continue to bitch about it in a blog for the rest of my life.

But I just want to say...

The Beatles had it right.

It really is all that simple.

"I wanna hold your hand."

I know, I know...

I know that I shouldn't wish my life away... but I wish it was November.

I'm going crazy waiting for Harry Potter... and I don't even have anyone to go with yet :(

Mella ;)

Today is Spirit Day & National Love Your Body Day

Let me first say that I am wearing my purple shirt and purple earrings proudly. I know wearing purple won't do anything to change the fact that people are being taunted and bullied every day, but talking about it can make an impact. Even the smallest step forward is still a step.

I believe it's important to remember the young men and women who took their lives due to bullying. They deserve to be remembered just as much as anyone else because though their deaths were tragic, they are finally making us see how harmful bullying can be.

There is only one thing that bothers me about wearing purple in honor of these kids. It is not because wearing pink for breast cancer is more important or anything of that nature. It is simply that people are forgetting that people other than LGBTQ kids are bullied.

If a person is different, that person is taunted. They can be a different size, a different race, like different music, be of a different sexual orientation, or have a different disposition and they can be made fun of and bullied to the point where they can't stand it any longer.

It's not one group being hurt by bullying. It's the entire world. We need to fight all this hate with love. We need to remind people how damaging it is to be cruel. We need to remind them of Tyler Clementi. Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, and all the other kids who lost their live to bullies.

Because ultimately, they may take their own lives, but we all know who is really guilty.

The bullies. The bystanders who let the bullying happen. Those people are just as guilty of tying the knot in the nose as those who killed themselves.

By not stopping bullying, we're all held accountable for these tragedies.

As Daniel Radcliffe has said, we all owe it to each other to be better to one another. So let's start now.

Make more friends. Spread more love. Never forget what it's like when people are cruel to you. Fight the hate with love. Be kind. Be wonderful. But above all, just be yourself. You are never of less worth than anyone else. You are lovely and perfect and wonderful all on your own. So just keep being yourself and don't let people tell you you're anything less than beautiful.

[As an additional side note, today is National Love Your Body Day and you should go to my friend Laurel's website: Opinionated Girl vs. Wild, Wild World: NOW 's 13th Love Your Body Day and read more!]

XOXO

The Surest Way to Upset Me...

... is to be a member of my family.

Because all they ever do is let me down and hurt me beyond measure.

If I ever did actually decide to go through with suicide, I can tell you now, the only ones who would receive letters with nothing but sheer love and gratitude would be Cord and Papa.

They have never once done anything less than be good to me.
They've never called me fat or cussed at me.
They've never left me when I needed them.
They never told me they'd do something then didn't.
They're reliable and wonderful and I love them.

However, the rest of my family... would have very wordy letters.

(I wouldn't write Haley one. I couldn't. She's too young to grapple with that.)

Because they are all continuously breaking my heart.

It kills me.

It's been a while...

I really did try to keep it at bay, Christy, but it didn't work.

I'm depressed and I feel awful.

I just keep thinking about how everything would be the same if I'd never existed.

Because my life is pointless. My life is meaningless.

I've done nothing important. I'm just a blip.

My mother is no more of a mother than she was before I was born.

My father has other children.

My grandparents have other grandchildren, who they love more.

My friends have other friends.

If I never existed, everyone would've still done all the things they did.

Just, perhaps, with someone else. Someone not so pointless.

It's so miserable to feel this way.

But I'm just invisible. Worthless. Meaningless.

And that's how it's going to be for the rest of my pointless stupid life.

I hate me.

Random.

• Sometimes when I'm napping through the day, I cuddle my pillow and wrap my arms around it just to pretend I'm not alone.
• When it's cold, I like to get in one particular spot in the bed, wrapped in my cover and never move.
• People are stupid. Especially people who bully other people. There is no sense in that. At all. We are all created equal. ALL of us. So if you think you're better than someone else, you need to shut up and learn some humility.
• Whenever I look at my electric heater, I think of the time I spent living with Christy. I remember us freezing at nights before we got gas. I remember Oreo pissing everywhere when she got mad. I remember killing bugs. I remember watching House. Those were some of the best times.
• When I hear "Sleeping In" by the Postal Service, I think of Fall of '07 when Amber would drive me around Berry's campus and we would listen to the CD. It was good times then.
• Whenever I see Great American Cookie, I think of how disastrous Kayla's "surprise" party was because she didn't want to play in the fountain long enough for it to be a surprise!
• I remember the night Meghan, Laura Jane, Kalyn and I played Rock Band and we all discovered I didn't know how to be the singer. In spite of me not speaking to Kalyn or Laura, it was still a nice memory.
• I've got all these memories and no pictures of them. It's upsetting.
• I need more photographs of all my friends.
• I want a collage of all the things I love. I want to frame it and put it on my wall.
• I want to read Perks of Being a Wallflower.
• I want a boyfriend.
• I want to know I'm not going to be alone forever.
• I want my friends to stop saying "you're not going to be alone forever" just because I whine about it all the time.

Things I Supremely Dislike Right Now:

• When people open your door and do not shut it.
• When people assume that you don't maintain good hygiene without them having to tell you (seriously, harpy? I know how to bathe.)
• How cold my feet are currently.
• The fact that I forgot to do my homework and must do it tonight and turn it in two days late.
• The fact that I'm not hungry.
• The fact that I haven't talked to any of my far away friends recently. :(
• The fact that so many kids out there see better fit to end their life than deal with cruel bullying.
• The bullies.
• The fact I am not in England.

And I think that's it...

It really sucks to know...

That everything you want in life won't come true.

Especially when you have the simplest wishes.

All I want is to be happy and to be loved.

I want a husband that loves me and is faithful to me.

I want children who love me.

I want to be a good mom to them.

I want to grow old with my friends.

I just want to be happy.

Why is this happiness elusive?

:'(

When...

When I see that other people are upset... I try to be there for them.

I try to make them feel better and even if I can't, I assure them I will be there for them.

Because I know what it's like to be alone and depressed.

It's not pretty. Especially when noone offers to help you.

I < 3 u

1. 9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u)
2. 9x - 7i > 3*3x - 3*7u
3. 9x - 7i > 9x - 21u
4. 9x - 9x - 7i > -21u
5. -7i > - 21u
6. -7i/-7 < -21u/-7
7. i < (less than) 3 u

Hands down, the best inequality I've ever seen.

True fact.

I

want

to

feel

beautiful

constantly.

Things I Love Thursday.

Today is September Twenty-Something and it is time for a TILT.

isn't he the most handsome man on earth?

first and foremost:
J.K. Rowling, whom without which I would never have grown up. She created characters that I could relate to and who I grew up alongside. She's a lovely author and I cannot imagine my life without her brain child.

other little things:

the mr. brooke/meg relationship in little women - it's one of the most adorable courtships i have ever had the pleasure to read and i absolutely adore the characters (especially together) | finally reading books that i've waited forever to read! | the accomplishment of being a week ahead of schedule in my school work | friends who love me in spite of my numerous flaws |"you shall love your crooked neighbor with your crooked heart" - w.h. auden | the possibility of getting mail on a regular basis! (hello pen pal!) | unexpected compliments | the excitement i feel for my plans the next few months | books, books, and - alas! more books | ordering things from amazon | having a phone that works! bless its sim card! | teachers who take time to talk to you | funny guys in math class: 'why does it do this?' 'because it's magic, man.' | the spill canvas - particularly landon heil. i wish he'd come and steal me away! | making friends - though this rarely happens! | making cupcakes with best friends | netflix | this really stupid, modernized pride and prejudice knock-off that is poorly filmed, badly directed, and terribly written, but still somehow intensely enjoyable | in 13 going on 30 where jenna kisses matt and then they get married - it's sweet |sleeping in (oh! how i love this!) | going back to elementary school and be remembered | dreaming.

All I Want...

All I want to do is meet a charming, funny, affectionate, semi-attractive (please) ginger-haired boy who is going to love me for the rest of my life.

Am I being too specific? :/

Or is this just not in the cards for me?

Why?

Why don't I matter?

What's wrong with me?

Why doesn't anyone love me?

Why don't they care?

Why? What did I do?

I can be different.

I can be smarter.

I can try to be prettier.

I'll do anything.

Just tell me what you want.

Because I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm sick of knowing I don't matter to any of you.

I thought family was supposed to love you regardless of how much you sucked.

Apparently mine missed the memo.

What do you want from me?

What do I have to do to make you guys love me?

Just tell me. Please.

The Most Disheartening Feeling in The World Comes From:

People continuously proving to you that you can't depend on any of them.

People continuously proving to you that you matter less and less every day.

People continuously proving to you that no matter what you do for them, you always matter less to them than someone else.

People continuously proving to you that you'll always just be Melissa and, really, noone gives a shit about Melissa.

As it is...

Today, as I was driving my dad's KIA to meet him in Adairsville and, once again, swap cars... I heard a song. It's the most brilliant song I've heard in ages. And now I can't stop listening to it. [Did you notice how I didn't give you the title? That's because I'm just OH so INDIE.]

So, instead of going on and on about just how sad and pathetic I feel... I'm going to listen to this music, take great joy in singing fuck - in the song - as loud as possible, and make a list of things I want/currently wish for:

• Perks of Being a Wallflower - obviously the novel by Chobsky
• Books from my childhood: The Giver, Number the Stars, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, The Witches, and etc.
• Just one family member who cares how I'm doing in school and in life, if I'm happy, and just someone to encourage me and love me even when I'm not the best at anything.
• A boyfriend. Seriously. This being alone shit is for the birds. And I know "you've got to love yourself before someone else can love you" "you've got to be okay with being alone before you're okay being with anyone else" but that's bullshit. I know people who absolutely hate themselves and/or being alone, and they have different boyfriends for every week. (Which is unhealthy, I realize, but they still have them!)
• A fun way to exercise.
• To return to a Books A Million and buy more cheap books!
• To return to JSU and see Jenny.
• For it to be November already. This means it'll almost be time for school to be over and hopefully my birthday will be amazing to make up for the shit I just know my family will put me through before then.
• A's in all my classes.
• My financial aid to hurry up and go through. What do those financial aid bitches do all day? Just sit on their ass and play Tetris?! Get your shit together! Please?
• Inception on DVD when it comes out
• A collage of all my favorite things. I may have to do this one day.
• A healthy self-image.
• Lots and lots and lots of money so that I may pay off debts, get new cars, and move to London.
• Pumpkin Fizz.
• To go to sleep.

Letters to Melissa

Letter to Melissa, age 9

Dear me,

Hey! Look at you, you're in third grade now! Can you believe it? Don't worry about tests. You're a smart girl and you'll pass all of them. And when you break your arm, you'll be fine. Mrs. McAfee is super nice and she'll let you write sloppy with your left hand. Oh, and you know when you get mad at Stacey for liking Gavin, too? That's okay. She's actually not that great of a friend anyway. You should hang out with Kitty more. She's really nice and, trust me, she needs a friend. There's really nothing else to warn you about... except... Well, you know how a lot of the times mama isn't there? Well, she's out with her friends. You don't understand now, but she thinks they're pretty important. Don't be upset and please don't spend your time crying. It's not your fault. You're lovely. Just don't follow her lead, okay? Friends don't have to be bought and they are certainly not more important than your kids. Have a great year, okay?

Love,

Melissa, 21

Letter to Melissa, age 13

Dear me,

You're in 7th grade! And wow, can you believe how different things are? You have lots of new friends (some that you'll keep for a while!) and you're still just as great. There's really only two things I need to tell you. First of all, don't be sad when Stacey leaves to live with her dad. She's bad news bears. She won't miss you and you certainly shouldn't miss her. Next... that night when your mom hits your dad... and they get into a huge fight. You're right to call your papa. But this time, make sure you go with them when they come to get you. Don't feel pressured by the things your mom and dad tell you when they're fighting. Neither of them are right. Both of them are stupid. It's not your fault. It's never your fault, okay? I think if you accept this now, things might go better for you later on. Just spend time with your friends when you can. Be a good person as often as you can and don't ever forget you're lovely.

Love,

Melissa, 21

A letter to Melissa, age 17

Dear me,

Senior year! You're going to graduate! That's awesome! It's going to be a good year, too! I can tell you that much! Prom might suck, but you'll look gorgeous on graduation day. You'll have a close knit group of friends and your acceptance letter from Berry will be one of the happiest days of your life. I know how stressed out you'll be about paying for Berry, but you must go. You will meet the most amazing people of your life. You'll spend time with them. But remember two things while you're there: 1. Take your socks off and 2. Don't neglect your other friends. Aside from that, I promise you, Berry will change your life. On the other than, life before Berry will be rough. You'll get close to graduating and then a bomb will drop. Your parents are going to get a divorce. And I really wish there was something I could do to prepare you for what'll happen... but there's nothing. Just... be a good person. I know you hate your mom, but you'll make some dumb decisions too. I know you love your dad, too... but he needs to be strong. He can't expect you to shoulder everything. It's so much to throw at you at such a young age... and I wish there was something I could do... But just know that when you get to Berry, the people you meet will take all the suck in your life and try to help you. I promise. Just stay strong and don't linger on suicidal thoughts. You'll miss out on some good things.

Love,

Melissa

A letter to Melissa, age 21

Dear me,

I'm sorry it feels like no one cares.

I'm sorry it hurts to be a part of your family.

I'm sorry that you cry so often.

I wish I could stop it.

Love,

me

The Truth.

Sometimes, people ask me why I'm so overzealous about taking pictures.

Why do I constantly blind people with flashes?

The truth is... I like to take photos of moments I want to remember.

I like to have those pictures to remind me that at least for that moment those people wanted to be with me - just for one moment, I was loved.

I have so few photos like this of when I was younger that it's hard to imagine my family loved me very much.

So now, at a much older age, I take the initiative myself and take photographs every chance I get.

For every laugh, every hug, and every stupid face.

Because they mean something to me.

They mean "I am loved."

Even if the time period was a short one.

Things I Love... Thursday :D

Things I Love Thursday

What a week! Awesome plans I had made fell through, plans that didn't fall through didn't live up to my expectations, and school was a yawn. However, in spite of this kind of blah week, I've still managed to find a few things to be incredibly thankful for. And here they are:

road trips with best friends and good music | best friend

s plotting things behind your back in preparation for my birthday | wanting really simple things for your life | how supportive the teachers at reinhardt are - particularly my EDU 344 teacher | getting to craft a lesson plan on one of my favorite subjects (though i assume it'll be a pain in the ASS!) | being able to talk to my best friends on messengers even when we're not so close | my new, cute outfit! (pictured below - mainly to piss christy off :D) | not having to drive to school until 10 - the weather is perfect! | baking cupcakes with friends! | project runway! i love mondo, april, valerie, and chris the most. but definitely mondo and april! | having people be proud of me! | feeling accomplished and proud of myself - hey, i earned that A! | rupert grint, obviously | dreaming of going to london | a kiss with a fist by florence + the machine | positive encouragement! | good, dramatic dreams | planning the perfect date - even if you don't think it's plausible | the color yellow. i'm really digging on it right now. not sure why. | the idea i have for a story that i have yet to craft and fine-tune | my papa :)

That's really all I'm loving this week. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things, but we know how I am!

XO

Ok, ok, ok, let's get a few things straight...

Random facts:

• I cannot concentrate on homework in a home environment. I simply can't. I get nothing done. :/
• Kiss With a Fist is probably my current favorite song. This comes from it being my most played song in iTunes over the course of the last week.
• I am so confused by Reinhardt teachers. Berry and Kennesaw teachers were like, "What the fuck is this? What the fuck is that?" Reinhardt teachers are like, "MY GOD! This is so brilliant, it's like Jesus himself wrote this paper." - Not that I mind, obviously. I like the praise. :)
• I love showering, but I hate afterwards. I'm too lazy to want to brush my hair and dress and get ready for the real world. :/
• I HATE IT WHEN MY ROOM IS A MESS. AND IT IS A MESS NOW. THIS IS WHAT DOING HOMEWORK DOES TO ME.
• I don't actually like to write in capital letters, but when I am frustrated, there you are...
• Who loves orange soda? Well, on occasion, I enjoy it.
• I made my bed. My room looks better now. But this article still needs to be punched in the face.
• I'm going back to fifth grade on Monday.
• I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year.
• But I don't like the suspicious planning. :P
• I tweet too much about nothing.
• Agendas and due dates are too hard to keep up with. I'm forgetful!
• sdjfbujsdifok
• Avatar. Thursday.
• JSU. Friday.

Done.

Ohmygod, Harpy, SHUT UP.

I love you, but you need to back the fuck up.

I woke up five minutes ago.

Don't be talking at me about warm oatmeal and how I have to get up and eat it while it's warm.

I might want to eat cold oatmeal.

And even if I don't, what's the big fucking deal?

I put it back in the microwave: Presto! It's warm again.

Shut up.

Leave me alone right now.

Seriously.

[Edit: An hour later.]

Harpy, I have a routine.

I leave here quarter-after so I don't have to sit at school for seventy hours waiting on class.

Don't mess with it.

And stop acting like an angsty teenager because you didn't get to yell at me because I'm not dressed.

You'll get over the fact that I've got my ducks in a row. :P

Because Jenny Asked For It...

I hate doing this. Especially when I should be sleeping... but since I asked for it (haha. Jenny's the other me!), I suppose I'll do it.

Here's my wish list for my birthday:

1. Rupert Grint
2. Kia Rio 5 in Ice Blue
3. New Laptop
4. All A's
5. A cake like Hagrid made for Harry :)
6. Lots of hugs and happy thoughts
7. "You look beautiful"s
8. Hanging out with my five favorite people (or did I count wrong?)
9. A scrapbook I don't have to make~
10. A trip to London - lol
11. My Deathly Hallows tattoo (which I am scared shitless to get, obviously)
12. Good music for my iPod
13. Promises from my friends that they will never find better friends and leave me
14. TO FINALLY KNOW WHAT CHRISTY HAS PLANNED.
15. Inception DVD, assuming it is out by then
16. Kareoke at a party? If I have one...
17. Someone to take lots of pictures, but only keep the ones we all look good in
18. A collage of all my favorite things... Like maybe as one big, huge birthday card?
19. A boyfriend (particularly #1)
20. A really delicious birthday meal of all my favorites
21. Caramel Bailey's - not from a shoe though
22. TO LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

Like, seriously... I'm grasping for things to want.

I'm really simple to please.

Hand me a cupcake. Give me a hug. Tell me you love me and I'm the happiest kid on Earth.

Grr.

I can't hang out with my friends.

I can't write.

I can't stop listening to angry songs.

Hello, today's perpetual bad mood.

p.s. I'm 17 again. This is pretty much the shit I blogged about when I was in 11th grade. HA.

Oh no, Harpy, you're absolutely right. I don't EVER think.

I don't think about anything.

I'm never stressed out of my mind.

I just flounce around demanding things all the time. La la la.

I don't worry about my massive debt.

I don't care about the fact that neither of my parents seem to give a damn about me anymore.

I don't worry about something happening to you and Papa (even though you're a right bitch 99.9% of the time.)

I don't worry about what'll happen to me when you guys are gone.

I don't constantly live in fear of something awful happening.

I don't worry about finances.

I don't worry about my health.

I don't worry about the fact that, sometimes, it just seems a little to easy to plan out my own death.

I don't secretly think about what my suicide notes would entail.

I don't worry that my friends are the only people who would genuinely care if I ever DID kill myself.

I don't worry that sometimes even they don't care.

I don't worry about my dad.

I don't cry every time my mom gets my hopes up that she's going to be a good mother and then she doesn't.

I don't cry when I think about how there are families out there who genuinely love each other and that mine is not one of those families.

I don't look in the mirror and instantly hate what I see there because of anything you've said or because of the fact that no one's ever told me I was beautiful.

I don't feel completely worthless at everything because no one wanted to take care of me when I was growing up.

I don't cry when I think about the fact that my only friends growing up were my television and computer.

Actually, I've NEVER cried. IN MY LIFE.

No. I'm just fucking happy all the damn time.

I'm just miss-fucking-smiles-a-lot.

I have not a care in the world.

I think money grows on trees.

I think everyone I love loves me back.

I think everything goes my way.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

GOOD FOR YOU.

FOUR FOR YOU, HARPY BITCH. YOU GO HARPY BITCH.

Melissa's List of Things She Has Planned For The Next Week AKA: CRAZY FUN SHIT.

Haha. So, I realized today as I was gazing at my planner trying to fit in a time to see the re-release of Avatar, that I've got massive amounts of things planned for the next week. Not even including school work or my pending field experience.

For instance,

Sunday will be spent picnicking (fingers crossed) with Christy before heading to the Loft in ATL to see Owl City :) I'm super excited about this, actually.

Monday will be spent, as always, in Rome with Meghan. I have no idea what we'll do, but I kind of hope we go back to her house again. I love playing with Bella (her dog) and watching movies (or Frasier. I'm not picky!)

Tuesday is school. :P Bleck.

Wednesday is supposed to be spent with Jesse watching ANTM. We'll see if this happens. Not because I don't love him, but because I'm generally in a "I don't want to go places" sort of mood then because it's sandwiched in by school days.

Thursday is school (again), but Thursday night consists of seeing Avatar (re-released) at the Rave with Jilly.

Friday, Christy and I will be headed to Jacksonville State to see our beloved Jenny and the following few days will consist of us trying to find something to do together that doesn't require money. (I'm hoping Jenny will find us guys who will pay for dinner, but I won't hold my breath. HAHA!)

Then, by the time I get back, it'll be time for Monday with Meghan again!

Having friends who like to make plans with me makes me super happy.

Though I do tend to notice most of my best friends live far away, which makes me sad. :(

But I gotta keep my chin up. Atleast they love me, right? :)

/endhappypost

Have You Ever Wished?

Have you ever wished that it was possible for you to take a balloon... and just take one big gulp of breath and expel all of your worries and fears and anxieties into that balloon? Then, watch as that balloon sails into the air and away from you?

I know it's childish, but I have.

I don't want to grow up.

I think this is in large part because I'm only realizing in the past few years my childhood was pretty awful.

I know I have to grow up. I know stress is a part of life. I know that I'm going to be anxious and frantic and worried for the rest of my life, but I'd really rather not.

I like to forget about my problems... do something fun... But then, when I have to settle back in the real world, my problems hit me in the face and I'm in even more deep than I once was.

I'm just... so stressed out right now. And, despite being twenty one, I feel like someone else should share this burden with me.

My parents aren't helping at all. I'm half certain they've both forgotten they even have a daughter. They're both acting selfish and worrying first and foremost about themselves.

And I hate feeling this way about my father because when we didn't have any place to go, he kept me fed and clothed and everything. He's a very good father. And I used to say he deserved to be a little selfish (because of all he sacrificed by being with mom), but at the same time, I sacrificed a lot too.

And the way he's acting now makes me feel like I'm not important to him.

He never calls. He never comes to see me.

But he can drive across the state line to see his girlfriend.

It's like he doesn't even have a daughter anymore.

And mom, well, she's never cared about anyone but herself.

She's always taught me I had to buy my friends.

I had to pretend to be someone they would want to hang out with.

That no one would ever like me for me.

Because, hey, let's face it, she didn't like me.

She stayed away as much as possible.

And I still continuously feel like there's not a single soul on this earth who truly loves me for me.

It's really hard to believe that there is when the people who are supposed to love you more than anything (your family) continuously prove that they don't even remember you exist, let alone care what you're up to.

I could be cutting.

I could be bulemic.

I could be snorting cocaine.

I could be getting STD's.

They wouldn't know.

My parents don't know me.

My parents couldn't tell you the first thing about me.

If I ever got kidnapped, the only people who would be able to give you any description that would assist in me being found would be my friends.

And I know, parent's don't generally know their children, but I doubt my parents could tell you what color my hair is. Or how I wear it. Or what kind of clothes I wear. Or who my friends are. Where I go most often.

It's sad.

I'm sad.