Cutting It a Bit Close There, Are We?

Please hold for one moment whilst I run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Can you believe 2009 is almost over?! It seems like only yesterday I was headed back to Berry for the second semester of my sophomore year... So much has happened that I can't even begin to think of summarizing it. I made new friends, lost old ones, experienced things for the first time, experienced things for the millionth time, and so much more.

I can't say I'm bummed to see 2009 go, but I did have some good memories...

So, as an end to 2009 and a beginning of 2010, I present, my resolutions!

In 2010, I resolve to:

• Be more organized. I'm constantly forgetting things (like what day it is), losing things (like my cell phone), and piling things up in my room and car until it's absolute chaos. To counteract this, I need to invest in some sort of planner to keep up with important dates, such as when things are due and when birthdays and such are. Additionally, I need to spend more time cleaning up after myself, which would result in less of a mess. If I don't clean up, the result will become catastrophic. So, in 2010, I will make sure everything has a place and everything is in it's place. :)
  
  
  
• Smile more. A good majority of my time over the last few months have spent frowning and fretting over things. In 2010, I want to smile more - to laugh more. I want to spend more time with people who make me laugh and less with people who break my heart. I want to make memories, not regrets.I want to live each day to it's fullest and spend less days lounging about in bed (unless, of course, I've earned it!) I will take more pictures, I will be in more, and I'll learn to smile even when I'd rather not.
  
  


• Accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and be wise enough to know the difference between the two. I've always been one to dread change. But recently I've discovered there are things in my life that desperately need to change, like, for instance, my worry-wart syndrome (a little worry is okay though, right?!) and my relationship with my family (ugh :P). And hopefully in 2010, I can realize what I can do to change these things and what I can do to cope with the things I can't. Healthy relationships FTW!
  
  


• Love myself; physically and mentally. I want to love my body the exact way it is and treat it with the care it deserves. Healthier foods, more excersize, and dressing it in clothes that reflects just how much I love it. Additionally, I want to try to become healthier emotionally and mentally. I want to spend less time worrying and being upset. This does me no good and ultimately just wastes a lot of time I could be spending doing other things. I hope that after I accomplish this resolution, I can fall in love with someone else... perhaps someone redheaded? With green eyes? Who thinks I'm darling?
  
  
  
• Be the pinup girl I've always wanted to be. Yes, it may seem a bit silly for a resolution, but it's something I really want. I want to dress like one (ahem. I'll leave the more scandalous outfits to private rooms!) and be as confident and in love with my body as they are! Confidence is key! And I'll be damned if those girls aren't the prettiest I've ever seen!

I really hope that I can genuinely put some effort into these resolutions. I've never actually had any that I've followed through on but these are very important to me and with every day I mature more, making it seem possible that I could do these things.

I also hope that I can keep up chronicling my thoughts and revelations in both this blog and my actual journal. Hopefully if I can, I'll have something wonderful to look back on next year. :)

But for now, all I've to say is this: Hello 2010! :) Happy New Year, lovelies!

'Cause I'm a Lady, That's Why!

I enjoy being a girl! (occasionally)

Makeup, dresses, heels! Shopping trips, sleepovers, roadtrips! (:

Rabble, Rabble, Grouse, Grouse...

The following is something that has been on my mind lately. It might not be all that important to you, but I feel a rant/vent is needed right now.


Chicks before dicks.
When did "Friends Forever" stop being important and why wasn't I informed? Was there a meeting held that I wasn't invited to? Did someone misplace the sticky note meant for me? Or have the words simply lost meaning and noone took notice of it?

Chicks before dicks really isn't that hard a concept to understand. To my knowledge, it's supposed to be girl law (just like bros before hoes is the guy law) and I was pretty sure that it was still in practice. I mean, guys come and go but friends are forever, right? Isn't that what Sex and the City is about?

Well, I've learned recently that it's apparently not the case with many today. Apparently bailing on your friends is totally fine if a boy is involved. Now a days, the possibility of sex is held in higher esteem than if you've already made plans with your friends.

I'll definitely have to remember this when I start dating again. Because I've been thinking the entire wrong way about it.

Things I Love Thursday - Merry Christmas edition!

Before I start with Things I Love Thursday, I must say the following. If you do not wish to see something melancholy or feel the slightest bit upset, please skip down to where I showcase cheer and joy.

It absolutely never stops hurting to be the back-up friend.

As many times as it's happened to me, it never gets any easier to deal with.

- End sad thought -

And now... FOR CHEER AND JOY! :)

Merry Christmas!

making princess crowns while watching ouran; anything in purple (except this guy) - it's a weakness; no matter how old i get, this song will always be one of my favorites; "hags before fags" a.k.a. the fact that jesse has his priorities straight (though some others don't); talking to people about something they're incredibly passionate about; browsing online for clothes that make you feel gorgeous (even if you'll never buy them); not only my favorite christmas movie, but one of my favorites period. ever. (if you ever bought this for me, i'd love you for infinity.); answering the phone like buddy the elf - "buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?"; build-a-bear: the most epic and amazing store to ever exist - it always makes me smile. always.; kali briana and her amazing friendship; being able to hand over a gift and watch as the person tears it open with the excited look on their face - it's totally worth the mess later; black raspberry vanilla bodywash/lotion from bath and body works - you have no idea how much i love this scent; meghan garrett, who never fails to make me laugh; the mall at christmas (no, not the crowds. but the decorations and the atmosphere); the idea of owning a real honest to god corset; my new purple beret courtesy of kali; "laissez les bon temps rouler."; tetris

It Can Be a Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare.

Double standards are dumb.

Don't you agree?

Don't Be Such a Grumpy Gus.

I generally hate blogging when I'm upset. But I really can't ever stop myself from doing it. Whenever I feel emotional - be it happy, excited, nervous, or on the verge of depression - my fingers itch with the urge to write about it.

And now is no different.

Though I may not have the words to convey why I feel so melancholy right now, I can at least write about it to sooth the inner voice that's screaming for me to write out the emotions. And maybe if I write long enough, when I'm done the mood shall pass.

I certainly hope so. I dislike feeling sad.

I realize it's a necessary emotion. You need it to fully appreciate the joy of being happy.
But that doesn't mean that being sad doesn't suck the big one.

Especially when there's nothing you can do about it. Because you just have to let it be and hope it passes or eases so you can move on.

Any other time I would just sit and allow the feelings to fester until they overpowered everything, but I've decided now I should probably take a different approach.

I'm not sure when this mood descended upon me. It may've been when I was driving home tonight. But it might've been yesterday and I didn't fully realize it.

Either way, I'd like very much for this mood to pass and allow me to enjoy the accomplishment of having most of the presents wrapped. Obviously I still need to wrap Lilly's, Meghan's and Kali's, but I don't have all of their gifts to wrap... so this would make wrapping them highly difficult. Unless I'm a very talented witch. In which case I wonder why I didn't recieve my Hogwarts letter ten years ago.

Buh.

Okay, I think the mood is starting to pass. At least a little bit. So, instead of moping here on my blog (because that's what the cool kids do and I'm feeling very Aquarian right now XP), I'm going to go read 1000awesomethings. :) Those always make me happy.

'Til next time.

Things I Love Thursday VI

Oh hai, Thursday~ It's been a while. To be precise, seven days. I sure am glad to see you again. :)


slowly having my friends teach my french; this version of this song (even if the video isn't the best quality); wrapping presents for my friends; the childish thought that perhaps you could find narnia in a wardrobe; this sweater (i love grey - have i mentioned that?); dresses that make you look (and feel) sexy; getting to the register only to realize something you're purchasing is on sale; conversations about soul mates; dreams about soul mates; hats - i just freaking love hats - especially ones that make you feel like you've time traveled to the forties; tall, lean, ginger boys who teach history (i can't help it!); taco bell; drinking sprite after you haven't had it in a while; poetry about love and romance; spending hours in barnes and noble with best friends; movies from your childhood; cramped photo booths with best friends; trust old black converse - they go with anything!; discussing disney movies in contexts that they were never intended to be discussed in; knowing that you've found the other half of you in someone else (the house to your wilson)

Being British > Being American

The title of this blog doesn't really take a neurosurgeon to figure out.

Being British is cooler than being American. It's a flat out fact.

I mean, think about it. Their slang is so much cooler than ours could ever hope to be (though somewhat sillier, of course.)

For instance, if I was British, I would be a bird. I would go out into jolly ole London. I could meet someone. Then I'd fancy him. And eventually I'd take him back to my flat to shag the bloody hell out of him.

Now, let's try that same sentence in American:

I'm a girl. I go out into [insert American city here.] I meet someone (maybe.) Then I'd develop a crush. Eventually (if things worked out, because I'm American and therefore no more or less exceptional than any other American walking around this city), I would bring him back to my apartment to fuck him. A lot.

Which instance sounds better?

But, seriously... Have you ever noticed how British people could get away with murder when it comes to Americans? We LOVE British people.

Americans love the Beatles. They were/are British. I'm fairly certain (almost) nothing would've changed our positive opinion of them.

Americans love Harry Potter. He's British. (Okay, actually, I love Rupert Grint. Not exactly the same thing, but it had to be said.)

Americans love Hugh Laurie. No other man on earth could play House like him. It's a statement of fact. But when it comes down to it, he's BRITISH. Though that American accent has never sounded so good...

Americans love Monty Python. Seriously. You can't NOT (don't die, Lilly, I realize this is a double negative and apologize profusely) love John Cleese, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, Graham Chapman, Terry Jones and Terry Gillam. They're the kings of comedy. Everything they do is GOLD. Even after decades have passed, their comedy is still funny! And they're British!

Americans love Colin Firth and/or Hugh Grant. If you don't like one, you generally like the other. And if you like both, well then, thank you for proving my point. :)

And as much as I hate to say it... Americans love Robert Pattinson. Yes, just teeny bopper Americans who have yet to develop a mind of their own, but Americans none-the-less. They love him. And if he killed someone, they'd probably let him get away with it.

Let's just face it. Americans love Britains. Be it because we just want to have them on a pedestal to admire or because we envy them for how much cooler they are than us... we can't help but adore them.

I guess it's just something about being born in a country with permenant S.A.D. Either that or all the ridiculously good looking people that come from there. (Rupert Grint, Gerard Butler [is from the same ISLAND, though perhaps not England], Hugh Laurie, David Beckham, Orlando Bloom, need I go on?)

But whatever the reason, we both know I'm right about this. (:

The New Moon Approacheth.

Before I begin, let me just say the title of this blog is sort of a double entendre. Obviously it means that the new moon is in the coming week and the sky will be dark, save for what few stars manage to shine through the pitch blackness. But it also means I'm going to break down and see New Moon soon. Hopefully with people who will mock it mercilessly with me.



I'm excited for the new moon. Why? Because during the full moon, I did as Lilly bade me a few months ago and wrote a list of things I wanted to push away from me. When the moon is full, it reflects how you are currently. Everything you are, all the things you do are the full moon. When the moon is full, you make a list of things you wish to push away from you. Simple things like unemployment to huge things like depression. Then, as the moon gets smaller and smaller, these things are said to go away from you. At the new moon, you get to rid yourself of the list you made and then you make ANOTHER list. A list of things that you want to come your way. Love, money, friends, anything. And as the moon gets larger, it is supposed to bring these things to you.

I love this idea. It's wonderful to think that you can change along with the moon. You can lose and gain things in the span of a month!

I hope that the moon takes pity on me and helps me with my list. It would be marvelous to wake up after Christmas (when the next full moon is, I believe) and be so completely happy with my life that I have no list for the next month.

All I can do is hope, really. Hope that the moon helps me and that after the month, I'm a better, happier person.

Though half of that is really up to me, isn't it?

Things I Love Thursday... V?

So, it's been a while, blog, but a few things have happened since then. First of all, Meghan got me a diary for my birthday and I've been writing as loyally as possible in it. Next, I've been busy with finals (which were over for me as of Tuesday). And lastly, I haven't had internet. Now that I do, though, I'm going to try to update here and there - especially on Thursdays! I can't live without Things I Love Thursday! And I've missed it terribly! So no more stalling! Onto the things I love!

anesthesia (especially when you're getting a filling), lemon creame pie, learning more about astrology and how it all intermingles to explain my personality, falling in love with myself - though it is a slow process, sexual innuendos between friends, when someone tells you they miss you, hanging out with friends that make you laugh the entire time, being one of a small handful of people in the movie theatre, freshly made peanut butter cookies, rainboots, the triumphant feeling you get after you've really exerted yourself (walking, excersizing, climbing stairs!), making A's, soft lips chap stick, wireless internet, sleeping in on weekdays, teachers who really honest-to-goodness changed your life

I Romanticise Every Single Thing I Do.

Especially when it comes to you. :)

Actually, I really don't. I'm a bit of a pessmistic like that.

And besides, it's hard to romanticise every single thing I do when my self control is almost nilch. I've got no balance in the way I interact with you or any other guy I like. I'm either gung-ho, all of my personality bursting out and it's kind of scary and intimidating, or I completely shut down and say absolutely nothing of what I actually want to say. I've not yet found the ability to combine the two so we can actually have a normal conversation and I can stop feeling so unbalanced.

Maybe I'll eventually be able to find the happy median.

But until then, I'll just love the song. Ohhhhhh, Nick Thomas, you are brilliant.

Things I Love Thursday IV (I think.)

Oh, why hello there, TILT. How are you doing today? :)

Ahhhh. I've been waiting for TILT since, well, last Friday, actually. I think it's because I missed last Thursday and so I was determined not to make the same error this week. Oh, and I've been thinking of things I love the entire week, so it's going to be good to finally LET LOOSE! :)

You know what I love most about TILT? No matter what kind of day you've had - even if it was the worst day in the world - you can find a little bit of hope in it. Thinking of things that you love - things that bring joy to the very depths of your soul - is a wonderful way to pass the time...

So, fill yourself with a sense of hope and happiness as you make your own TILT. But first, here's mine:

seeing people in everyday life that look like celebrities then being able to joke to your friends that you saw kanye west at taco bell or amy winehouse in your poli sci class; when my fingers don't spell words wrong when they type; russell brand and jim gaffigan, who make me laugh; the poem 'ghost' by emilie autumn (it's so scandalous and wonderful that it has stolen the still-beating heart directly from my chest); going through stuff and finding notes and such from friends who truly love you; that 'high' you get when you're so happy that you don't even recognize when bad stuff happens; buying cute sweaters (i did this yesterday and god, am i glad i did); electric heaters; late night taco bell runs; when someone cares enough about you to ask you to text them when you get home - just so they know you safely make it; chocolate milk (but only when it doesn't spill in your purse and soak the entire contents); fried rice - heinously bad for you, but delicious; having a real, honest-to-god trunk that makes you feel like harry potter when you pack things in it; this music video; when the sky is clear and you can see all the stars...

But there's really SO much to love. :)

I Feel Nothing, Universe.

So, this blog is operating a day behind schedule since I missed Things I Love Thursday yesterday (which is the most unfortunate of tragedies.)


But I have a really good excuse: Friends.


Not the sitcom, of course. The actual, tangible, wonderful people who put up with me on an almost daily basis. :)


I hope you accept this excuse for my late TILT... and even if you don't, well, that doesn't really matter, does it? Because I'm going to do it anyway.



Without further delay:

soymilk; laughing until your sides hurt and you can't breathe; paul rudd in anything and everything ("what do chairs do when we're not sitting in them?"); sleeping in on saturdays; getting really excellent spreads with your tarot cards; the knowledge that somewhere on earth there is someone who is just waiting to meet you; best friends you can trust with your life; neil patrick harris as dr. horrible (new found love - thank you heather a.!); causes that HELP people; the owl city lyric "i don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave."; how liberating it feels to finally be able to legally purchase alcohol; hearing/reading love stories from those older and much more wiser ("we met in the summer of '51... i was sixteen, he was twenty..."); ireland; "i say words sometimes..."; that feeling you get when someone first strikes your fancy...

"the grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." - allan chalmers

Happy Birthday to... me?

I am officially 21.

That's all I've got. :)

Oh my God. Like, a magic door!

Can I call shenanigans on my life as of late? Is that allowed?

I hope so.

But even if I can't, I'm not going to let the past few weeks get in the way of my twenty-first birthday... Because it's supposed to be one of the most epic birthdays ever. You're legally allowed to get intoxicated (you just can't drive while doing it - that's bad.) and that's a BIG DEAL. I mean, it's another milestone on your way to adulthood... and a pretty good one at that. (Or so I hear.)


So, instead of moping about speeding tickets and being frustated about school, I'm going to have a party with my favorite people on EARTH... and hopefully eat a fuck-ton of cake that I don't need. :)

Best plan ever, right?


Aside from that, I've been thinking a lot recently that I really, really love the 40's.

They were such a beautiful decade. I mean, yeah, there was the war, but look, they had things like this:

Isn't that one of the most romantic things you've ever seen? God, this picture just GETS me every single time. It's like that part in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Dumbledore gives those ten points to Neville and Gryffindor ultimately wins the House Cup. It just tugs at my heart strings.

Yeah, his hand is blocking her entire face from view, but this is love. Pure, unadulterated LOVE. It's something I want. Maybe not in black-and-white and maybe not with tons of people watching. But I do want to feel this. This toe tingling, butterfly stirring, pure wonderful feeling of sinking deep into LOVE.

And back then, the divorce rate was so much lower. When a man and wife said "I do," they MEANT IT. Things should be so simple now. Two people who love each other (not necessarily just man and wife) should be able to stand before their friends and family and swear to always love just that one person for the rest of their life.

That's what the forties mean to me. They mean overcoming obstacles (such as a World War) and being rewarded with the most blissful sort of gift: love. :)

This aside, I've also always been really envious of pinup girls, which were ridiculously popular back then. Or atleast, styled heavily after that time period. I mean, Hello Rosie the Riveter! :)

Girls like these:

That, though very scandalous, are women worthy of respect. They are full figured women; real women. And I feel like these are the women who we should look to when we think "beauty."

Girls who have been surgically altered shouldn't even cross our minds. No Pamela Andersons or such.

Instead, we should think of these women. Real women with real proportions. With no ridiculous ideas about being a certain size. Just being comfortable with their body. And these women scream this if nothing else. That they are completely secure with what God gave them and they don't mind if you look.

God, I'm so jealous. I wish I had that confidence. I wish I was that beautiful. I wish I lived in the 40's.

If I had a time machine... just for a day...

But alas, I'm in the "new millineum" and I'll play the cards I've been dealt.

I hope, though, that one day I find the things that make me love the 40's so much.

The love. And the confidence.

I think it'll lead to the other elusive other thing I seek: complete and incandescent happiness.

Here's hopin'. :)

Things I Love Thursday III

So, in spite of the fact that I've done little else in updating over the course of the past three weeks, I knew there was no way I was going to let Thursday whiz past me without posting another Things I Love blog. Though, I haven't had much time to focus on them, so they'll be super random and made up ON THE SPOT. :) And here they go...


laughing obnoxiously loud; re-reading Harry Potter novels and remembering exactly how much you loved them to begin with; raspberry vinegrette dressing; trying on random hats in stores to see how goofy you look; my new black skirt; the real life of rachel zoe on youtube; america's next top model season 6 (joanie dodd!); feeling accomplished; the anticipation that comes before something really, really important or exciting; going to bed early for optimal performance the next day; getting out of class early; the color yellow; 'lentil' by sia; riding around with the windows down and music blasting; the colors of the sky during a sunset; lazing around the house in your pajamas; this guy; going back and reading my old xanga just to realize how much i've changed; adam freakin' west; headbands

Things I Love Thursday II

Despite the fact that today has been an absolutely atrocious day, I'm not going to let that stop me from taking part in Things I Love Thursday. A bad day shouldn't affect the important aspects of your life. You just simply force a smile, get over it, and wait for tomorrow to be better.

olivia moody; vanilla milkshakes; songs that take your breath away; driving alone at night; making your friends laugh; looking in the mirror and liking what you see (it's good to feel beautiful!); DC's - the get me through everything shoes; when people tell you you're beautiful; wearing the colors brown, white, and to a lesser extent, blue; miss jay from antm (don't hate her 'cause you ain't her); not from concentrate (shut down in its prime - bummer!); having black nails, red nails, or a mix of the two; that just brushed clean feeling that you only get from a good, thorough brushing; warm, just out of the dryer towels; sweet tea like only my grandmother can make; harley quinn (best villian EVER); trying on clothes only to find out you've lost a pants size; earrings (my weakness); and LILLIAN.

There's just a lot of things to love today. Even if today wasn't that great. :)

I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller, I Wish I Was A Baller.

I wish I was less forgetful.
I wish I was more graceful.
I wish I was less jealous.
I wish I was more mature.
I wish I was less selfish.
I wish I was more beautiful.
I wish I was less vain.
I wish I was more of a doer.
I wish I was less of a worry-wart.
I wish I was more capable of saying what I felt.
I wish I was less concerned with the thoughts behind the actions.
I wish I spent more time dreaming.
I wish I spent less time stressing over small things.
I wish I spent more time taking photos - and being in them.
I wish I spent less time sleeping during the day.
I wish I spent more time making memories.
I wish I spent less time being upset.
I wish I spent more time being happy.
I wish I spent less time trying to please everyone.
I wish I spent more time soul-searching.
I wish I spent less time complaining.
I wish I spent more time outside.

But most of all I wish I was interesting enough to hold your attention for longer than a glance.

Things I Love Thursday

After reading GalaDarling's blog many times over, I felt like Things I Love Thursday was something I just had to do. I think it's pretty charming to read what she loves and I hope it'll be even more fun reflecting on the things I love. So, without further adieu, here are the things I love:

baking with my grandmother; being covered up and tucked in at night by someone who loves me; the leaves changing colors in the fall; october weather; having my bed all made up; making someone else's day; kind drivers; chicken burritos from taco bell; getting random text messages from people you haven't heard from in a while; being so close to someone they already know who your favorite ANTM model will be; staying up late talking about nothing; road trips with your best friend; quilts; fall out boy's version of 'what's this?' from the nightmare before christmas soundtrack; dancing like an idiot with my roommate; carving pumpkins; the feeling of 'home'; red string couples finally getting together; being able to laugh at myself; drinking ice cold water; when my roommate sings 'the nanny' theme song; phish food ice cream; watching the sun set

-

That was actually really fun and really easy. I'm pretty proud that I managed to think of so many things. I think I really will start doing this EVERY Thursday. (: Yay!

I Lose Something Everyday.

The following is a poem that I love by Elizabeth Bishop. I've nothing else to say about it right now except that this poem is lovely and she makes a good point, which is: you lose things everyday, simple things like keys and socks to big things like your first love or your confidence, but she reminds you that it is NOT a disaster. You'll either find it or you won't, but either way, you'll be fine in the end. :D


The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster, Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster. I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three beloved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. -- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

- One Art, by Elizabeth Bishop

10 Reasons Why Obama Won Nobel Peace Prize:

**Disclaimer: I don't harbour any ill will because of Obama winning the NPP, nor do I dislike the man. I simply seek ways to amuse myself.



1. Obama figured out how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop.



2. Obama is not George W. Bush (and that was deemed worthy of a reward.)



3. Obama uses a Mac, not a P.C.



4. Obama convinced Miley Cyrus to delete her Twitter account.



5. Obama, after a nine month struggle, finally found Waldo.



6. Obama started a facebook group: "Obama for the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize" and got 1,000,000 followers (which rarely happens, so it was taken very seriously by the commitee.)



7. Obama learned how to "use the force" after many, many years of practice in the slums of Chicago. - He is also planning to use the force in the House and Senate with his Healthcare Bill.



8. Obama is secretly Agent "O" in the prestigious and mysterious Men In Black and abused the power of his 'flashy-doo-dad' on the NPP commitee.





9. Obama is the reincarnation of someone incredibly awesome from the past who deserved the NPP but they weren't around when it was invented.





10. Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" after the MTV Movie Awards debacle.

And Here-in Lies Your Problem...

I stay up far too late doing little of importance most nights. This leads to me being very tired and angry at the world in the morning - especially when I have to wake up to go to school.

I should really try my best to change this.

Additionally, I should focus on keeping up with a journal. Not that blogs aren't, you know, totally hip or whatever. But journals remain private and, really, that's what you need when you're "working on yourself," which I clearly am.

Maybe if I can find what I think is wrong with me, it'll go away and I'll finally be able to be happy with myself.

: Here I pause for affect before sighing :

All I can do is try. Nothing more, nothing less.

We'll see how it goes. Until then, I have to go to bed! NOW!

The Difficulty of This Surpasses My Expectations.

I didn't realize until right now how utterly difficult it is to write when you're forcing yourself to do so. I've been trying like crazy to motivate myself to write something these past few weeks (with slight nudges from Lilly, of course), but to no avail.

I simply cannot write unless I am inspired. Yet my inspiraiton is so sporadic and fickle that I can never manage to summon it. And then when I'm inspired, I cannot harness it. I have to write down everything I can in one sitting and then it's gone. If I try to go back to whatever I've written, I just can't.

I think it's because my mind has ADHD. I'll have an idea, but ten minutes later my mind will be going a completely different direction than I originally intended and the two contrasting ideals will war for a bit before fizzling out.

Which is why I'm not that great at writing. Because I'll get ideas, but then I can't force myself to write them. So when I finally write, I'm writing something completely different than I started out thinking about.

It's because of this that a lot of my best stories simply wither away and die in my brain. Quite unfortunate. I could've been the next "big thing." (For the record, I'm not sure I'd want this. Do you see what they've done to Twilight? Not cool.)

And really that's all I've got to say. It's super hard to force yourself to write when you're not really feeling it. And even if you can get something down to work with, it never feels right. It's second rate when there's nothing pushing you.

So if you're a writer and you don't have it in you to write, maybe you shouldn't try. Seek out things that give you inspiration. For me, it's the sky - at twilight or at dawn. And Owl City, obviously. Find these things that give you ideas and inspire you and allow your muse to settle until the words come as naturally as breathing. That's when stories are the best. :)

I Can't Take Two More Weeks of This.

It's raining. Like, monsoon, crazy-ass rain.

It's been raining like this for atleast a week and a half. And it's supposed to continue for the next two weeks. If it does, just let it be known, I'm swearing out a Vendetta against Mother Nature. And I really don't want to do this as she's been very kind and lovely in her work.

But don't think for a minute that I won't. I like rain in nice incriments, but this is just downright cruel. All I hear is rain. It's like I've moved to the desolate town of Forks, Washington, but I'm not skinny, nor am I living with my awkward father (just an awkward roommate) and I have yet to see any vampires around here who strike my fancy.

So, seriously, Mama N, can we just call it a truce and be done with it? I love you, but I'm getting sick of your shit.

Pessimism is a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Today I lost twenty-one dollars. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal. So what? It's only twenty-one dollars, right? Not exactly.

See, I don't have a job. Meaning, I don't have money. So I pay my bills and buy my groceries when my parents give me an allowance (which sucks and makes me feel like a total brat.)

So the fact that I've lost the money for my half of the phone bill incredibly distresses me. I feel so guilty and stupid for having lost it somewhere on the massive campus at KSU. It's like I can't do anything right.

But despite the fact that I feel like crap, I'm not going to allow myself to mope. Because seriously, where's that going to get me? Absolutely nowhere.

Realistically, this could've happened to anyone.
Pessimistically, it happened to me.
Optimistically, though, I get to decide whether I'm going to let it ruin my life or not.

Yes, it was stupid. However, it was also a mistake. I didn't mean to lose it and I'm going to try not to let it happen again.

But before I do that, I have to remind myself that no matter what sort of crappy things happen to me, I can't focus on them. Being depressed is not nearly as great as being happy.

So seriously, Melissa, stop being such a Debbie Downer. Smile about things and appreciate what you do have. Even if you think it's hard, it's NOT impossible.

(God, Lilly. Thanks for the mental peptalk you totally just gave me during this blog.)

If My Heart Was a Compass, You'd Be North.

I will contribute nothing of substance to this blog. I simply wish to share this quote:

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

I think it's a beautiful description of what a soul mate is.

And dead on for what we're all looking for.

Occasionally, shmoccasionally.

There are times when I feel like the entire world is in on some really big secret and they have just conveniently forgotten to inform me of what it is.

But, you know what? I've got news for the world. I have a secret, too.

And this secret makes me feel like Mary from the Secret Garden. Though my secret is not tangible like her garden. In fact, it's much better than that. You can feel the secret and you can see the secret, but you can never touch it. Which makes it a little bit more special.

The difference between me and the world is that I don't mind sharing it.

My secret is... friendship.

It's the key to everything.

Whether it's hoes before bros or bros before hoes. Friends (real friends) are always there for you and they always try to do what's best. No matter who comes in and out of your life or who says what about you, they always know you best and love you most.

And I don't think the world realizes this. But you should. Friendship shouldn't be a secret and it shouldn't be made to be material.

Friendship is a matter of finding a bit of yourself in someone else. And it's a fantastic feeling.

So you just need to stop, slow down and evaluate yourself.

Are the friends you have the kind of friends you can spend hours talking with? Are the friends you have the kind who'll share their cake with you (even if they're a Taurus)? Are they the type of people who love you even when you're at your worst?

If so, then consider yourself lucky.

If not, then I think you should seek friends like this out. And when you find them, don't keep it a secret.

They'll like knowing how much you appreciate them and the world will be a bit better of a place because of it.

Let's Make This Official...

I've finally been to DragonCon now.

It was a long, exhausting day starting at 7:45 am (and not ending until 2:30 am), but it was completely and totally worth it.

I saw Patrick Stewart's glorious bald head, his emerald shirt, black blazer, and his dainty wire glasses. (Note: is anything God wears considered dainty? Or shall I be smited for this? I'm not sure. Remind self to ask Data.)

In addition, I was less than 3 feet from Tom Felton (who says water beautifully) and I saw Vic Mignsjkfhga (From Ouran... and, like, everything else.) It was super exciting to be so close to them. And, overall, Dragon Con was just like how everyone always dreams it's going to be.

Tons of hilarious, well thought costumes. Lots of pictures. Great people.

One man had this gun and rushed us onto the escalator in front of him. He was big and really funny. He said he liked my headband. Haha! "Those police outfits seem really realistic." (Real cops. LOL)

I can't even begin to describe all that happened. But it was great and I want to go again next year. Maybe then I'll have money to do things (like stalk Patrick Stewart, Tom Felton, Peter Facinelli - who had a wonderful hat on, and Vic.)

But until next year, this is all I've got for you concerning the wonder that is... DRAGONCON. =)

Fate, I'm Asking You to Complete My Life.

I want to meet Patrick Stewart @ Dragon*Con.

I'm begging you, fate. You have me on my knees. Just give me one moment, one picture. He's, like, the voice of God and I desperately need to be in the same room with him or my heart will break and I shall cry.

No. Seriously.

I've waited for this moment since my father teethed me on Star Trek: TNG.

Please, fate. Please see it fit to allow us to converse for however brief a moment.

Beautiful?

Okay, so maybe being a redhead isn't too terribly bad. Everyone loves my hair.

Even this random guy in the Commons (Great Hall.) He complimented me and Lilly on our beautiful red hair. Haha.

And the more I look at myself in the mirror, the more I feel like it reflects my personality. Though I'm still self concious about it.

Ashley described it incredibly well today at the mall. "You love it because it's new and bright, but you hate it because it draws attention."

It's very true. But it made me a bit more confident. And I feel like I look a bit older, too. Which is good. I don't exactly want to look like a fifteen year old when I'm almost twenty-one. That's all kinds of fail.

So I think I'll keep this color around for a while... at least until my roots grow out. Then... well, I guess we'll just have to see!

Spontaneous Decisions are Not My Forte.

Last night, I made a spontaneous decision to finally give into my desire to dye my hair red. Myself and my roommate piled into her truck and went immediately to the hair color aisle at Wal-mart.

As soon as we arrived, I wondered what I'd gotten myself into. I didn't know which color would look best on me! I'm horrible with hair colors. I can barely even describe the color of my own hair.

But after a few moments, Christy picked a shade that looked like it would look pretty (and natural) on my hair. So off we went to our house to immediately begin the process.

Now I sit in our living room with burgandy hair and I'm torn between the desire to cry because I miss my golden locks and laugh because of how ridiculous I look. Though I'm not doing either. I can always dye it a similar color to my natural hair.

It's a bit difficult to be optimistic now though. I can't pull off obscure hair colors. :(

Oh, how lovely.

I wish that more people in this world were like my friends. I'm terribly lucky to've found them. So, this blog (though terribly short) goes out to them.

The ones who keep me strong, the ones that prove me wrong (about my pessimism), those who make me laugh so hard I cry, those who tell me not to die. The ones who appreciate a good rhyme... atleast some of the time.

But all joking aside, I want to thank my friends. The friends that care more about our friendship than attention, selfish wants, and material items.

You guys have zero idea how much I adore you. - Mainly because I forget to tell you. Sorry!

1,000 Hugs from 10,000 Lightning Bugs

As I sit and listen to Owl City, the soft lull of the rain accompanying Adam Young's voice, I am struck with the epiphany that it is necessary to stop every once in a while and smell the metaphorical roses.

"Everyday is a new adventure" is what I've heard. And while sometimes I may disagree with every fibre of my being, today I agree. Life is a gift. You never know which day may be your last, so you should cherish each one. Appreciate life's little miracles.

Here recently, I've been trying to do just that.

Things that would've annoyed me in the past are things I now pause and reflect over, thoughtfully.

Like, for instance, when my grandmother calls me. In the past, I would've become quite disgruntled that she was calling to bother me. But now, I feel loved every time I hear her voice. She'll call sometimes just to tell me she and my grandpa love me. It's a wonderful feeling. To know that even when you're miles apart, someone's still thinking about you. So after every phone call, I take a few moments to smile. I am loved.

Or when the rain falls lightly on you as you walk to your classes. This happened to me today. I was walking along the path to my class and the rain fell gracefully from the sky onto my backpack, face, and jacket. Accompanied with the Owl City that was playing on my iPod, I found it difficult to be upset. Life's beautiful in these moments. Peaceful. An upbeat song and finding beauty in the dreary grey sky... It makes for a good morning... and you feel a bit more beautiful than you did beforehand.

And there's always the moments when the sun slips behind the horizon... The sky is like a canvas mixed with light blues, deep purples, soft pinks, and bright oranges. Taking the time to watch the sunset gives you a sense of tranquility. In that moment, you forget to be anxious. You can only be calm. It's like it's just you and the sky. The sky that's beauty is there for you and you alone. A sense of love descends upon you in these moments.

These moments... These everyday occurances... they're meant to be appreciated. Personally, I'm trying to remember that these moments are for me. And that I can find beauty and love in each one.

So, today I'll call my grandma, I'll dance in the rain, and I'll watch the sky as I drive home...

Cherish these moments.