It really is quite unfortunate to be boring. I mean that in the sense that I am a completely boring individual - not that everyone is.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about people. I've never really been the type of person to want to be someone else - regardless of how much I loathe myself at times. I've felt envious of physical aspects of people, but never anything else.
However, after reading John Green's books, I'm envious of characters like Alaska and Margo. I wish I were more like them. More interesting and adventurous. I'd like to be the type of person someone looks for, the type of girl who makes boys feel like Pudge and Q felt. And I really just don't ever feel like I'll make someone feel like that, which is more of a disappointment to me than how far behind I am in school.
Truthfully, Margo had it right. Our entire lives are spent trying to cultivate the future. We get so caught up in doing well in school to get into a good college. Then we have to do well in college to get a good job. Then we have to do well in our job to get a good house. Then we have to meet good people to have a good spouse. Then we have to raise a good family.
We spend our entire lives working towards a future that we might not even actually want.
Why do we do this? Why can't we just enjoy now? Because society has molded us into these worrywarts? Probably.
I just really wish I could appreciate now more. I wish I wasn't so worried about my future. I wish I was interesting and beautiful and not hopelessly boring.
Just one good time, you know?
Well. Anyway.
I hope you're staying dry in the rain.
Love,
Mella
You are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI mean that from the bottom of my heart.
And up until very recently, I always thought I was going to grow up to be the lonely old cat lady that had never been kisssed.
But now I have JJ. And I always feel beautiful when I see the way he looks at me.
You'll have that too. You just have to be patient.
And I've never really thought of the future like that. But it's so true. Hm. Makes you wonder.