Dear Blog,

I respect the hell out of you, blog... and we've been through a lot of shit together...  but I think it might be time to start anew. It's nothing to do with you... It's just time for me to sew my wild oats and grow... in different forums.

Thank you for all you've given me and all the growth you've provided. I'm sorry for bitching and whining so much. I'll treasure you always.

Love,
Mella

TILT: Sending Christy Off to London Edition

In spite of the fact that I'm sad... I'm going to do a TILT.

the horror of our love • watching christy's dream come true (even if i get left behind) • michelle, who taught me how to crochet and, therefore, assisted me in my dream to become molly weasley • how my hair looks today • my bed! that air mattress and i had issues • the feeling of getting everything ready for college early • the knowledge that i get to go to harry potter premiere with some of my best friends • the wanderlust i have (though it makes me so depressed i've never been anywhere, i'm glad to know i do have that desire) • making plans for the future with my best friends • looking at flights, even if i can't take them • music, in general • teen books • peeta mellark • my friends 

I just want it to be known I'm heartbroken right now. 

Christy's gone off to have one of the biggest adventures of her life and  I'm left behind... It was really hard to see her off... not just because I'll miss and worry about her but because I wish I was going with her. 

Revelations While Reading about WWII.

So, for the past few days, I've been reading a book called Citizens of London. It's about Americans who supported Britain during the war before America joined it. It's a highly interesting book and I find myself falling in love with John Gilbert Winant with each passing page.

The reason I like Winant is because he was such a good person. He was an idealist and I'd like to be like him when I'm fully an adult.

Some people thought he was naive and I'm sure people will think I am as well, but he genuinely wanted the best for all people. Though he was rich, he wanted fairness for the working class.

Anyway, after thinking about Winant and my adoration for him, I've decided... I am idealistic now. I'm at that age where I'm learning how to think for myself and it's wonderful. I'm liberal in a lot of my views and I am truly an idealist. I believe in fairness, I believe in treating everyone well, I believe in good vibes and helping people... I know that eventually the world will probably ruin my optimism and I'll lose my tendency towards hopefulness, but right now, I'm just glad I have it.

I'm proud to be an idealist. I know that's not how the world works, but I can still hold onto my hope that it will work that way eventually...

That's really all I had to say.

Love,
Mella

So, I'm apparently a 13-17 year old girl.

According to this website that can magically discover your sex, age and happiness, I am a depressed 13-17 year old girl.

I mean, it seems like it, doesn't it?

I'm so depressed all the time. I have self esteem issues and I'm such a disappointment to everyone.

I'm not even going to bother saying what's wrong, it's the same shit, different day.

And I both do and do not want to hear the optimism. Mainly because I know that it's just being sad because I'm depressed. :/

FML.

Just a Brief Collection of Things I Hate;

Mella (1:22:01 AM): I think I'm hideous because I'm fat, my hair never does what I want it to do, it's not even it's natural color, I have fifteen chins, my nose isn't straight and it's stupid looking, I have thin, dry lips, my teeth are yellow and there's too much of them so I show too much gum when I smile, my smile is hideous, my neck has that weird rash, which leads down my chest, my breasts are too big and gross, my arms are huge, my fingers are fat, I have weird freckles and moles on my arms plus that weird thing my skin does where it's bumpy.
Mella (1:22:54 AM): Not to mention my fat belly. I have no ass. Let's not get me started on how insecure I am about my privates. My thighs are disgustingly huge. My knees have weird freckles, my skin is dry and yucky on my legs plus my calves are huge, my feet are hideous, too and I barely have any toenails.
Mella (1:23:10 AM): Oh and then there's the fact that I'm blind so I have to wear glasses.
Mella (1:23:15 AM): And I'm sure there's more.
...
Mella (1:44:26 AM): I think what bothers me most is that there's no argument.
Mella (1:44:46 AM): I mean, I know that I want to hear that I'm not hideous.
Mella (1:45:02 AM): But being not hideous and being beautiful are, again, too seperate things.
Mella (1:45:09 AM): I named off almost every single thing I hate about myself.
Mella (1:45:20 AM): And the only thing I do like is my eyes. And that's very rare.
Mella (1:45:24 AM): Because they're my mother's eyes.
Mella (1:45:40 AM): Nothing about me is beautiful.
Mella (1:45:57 AM): My tanline is uneven and I have the palest legs ever.
Mella (1:46:07 AM): I have scars on my thigh and my wrist.
Mella (1:46:12 AM): And my fingers.
Mella (1:46:19 AM): My fat fingers, which are too fat for rings.

I really am completely unattractive. :/

Just Ignore.

I've been having a string of depressing days here lately.

I just can't find anything to be happy about... I mean, I have things to be happy about (my friends being most important), but it's so difficult for me to focus on them. The happiness is fleeting because I always find something to be depressed about. My mind constantly goes back to the following facts:

1. I'm fat.
2. I'm ugly.
3. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
4. I'm useless.
5. No one really likes me.

Those are the main things that consistently float around in my head. They're always there and they take up a majority of my thoughts.

I've always thought that if I found a guy who really loved me, that would fix me. I wouldn't be so fucked up in the head... I wouldn't be so negative.
I know now that love's not magic... and no one can fix me, but me.
Which is why I'll be fucked up like this forever.
Meaning I will never find love... because I'm like this.

It's a vicious terrible cycle and it keeps me from being happy.

So I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. But I do hope you're all doing well.

I Need to Just Remember This.

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I appreciate you. I'm glad I was roommates with Ashley freshman year so that she could introduce us. I'm grateful everyday that you are my best friend. I know so many people who have shit best friends. They constantly complain that their best friend doesn't 'get' them or doesn't like most of the things they like or their best friend treats them like shit. And I can honestly say that the complete opposite is true of us. You totally get me, which is difficult because I am so bizarre and we pretty much like the same things (but not everything...you aren't Kristi, lol) and you never treat me like shit. Sometimes you should, seriously I deserve it. But you always put your friends and their feelings before anything else. I know I am terrible at expressing emotion, so I just wanted to write this to you to let you know that I love you and I wouldn't trade you for anything (Not even Rupert).

I love you, Christy!

No Subject;

I really hate when I get like this. But I've seen it coming for the past week.

I just want to curl up in a ball and never leave said ball.

What's the point anyway? I'm obnoxious so I'm bound to chase off the few people who actually like me... and the chances of me making any new friends are slim. Let's not even get me started on boys.

I'm hideous. And fat. And there's really no hope there. At all.

And the fact that I have no hope is the third strike because confidence is, apparently, key.

So, yeah, fuck my life.

jihsfjsdfsdf.

Sorry for being depressing.

You're Gonna Wish You Never Had Met Me...

Tears are gonna fall... rolling in the deep.

I haven't blogged in a while, but I've actually been kind of busy. What with getting sick and going to Savannah and sleeping a lot...

But now that all that's over, I'm just kind of trying to stay happy. It's not working very well. I get down for inexplicable reasons. It's stupid. I'll get anxious for no reason and then all of a sudden, I'm depressed again.

It makes me want to go back to sleep.

So, yeah, I'll probably go back to sleep eventually. And feel even worse about myself when I re-wake because I'm lazy. :/

I hope you guys are doing alright,
Mella

I Need This Forever.