Let's Do This Again...

I love it when friends are honest. It may hurt like a bitch to hear or make you naseous, but it feels so much better to have it out in the open.

Especially when those friends mean the most to you.

I love you guys. All of you. :)

The Product of An Hour Spent Brainstorming:

I spent an hour brainstorming the other day, trying desperately to write, but this is all that came to me:

Push it baby; push it baby, out of control. This is the same old dance that you already know.
Someone once said that “happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life.” I can’t remember right now who exactly that was. Aristotle, perhaps? Or maybe Alfred Lord Tennyson? Both highly enlightened fellows. But regardless of who said it, they must not’ve had the opportunity to attend college.
FAIL.
Melissa, you suck. Rather intensely. Please cease with this and go fuck yourself.
I look back over my life sometimes and wonder just how much more I would’ve fucked up if I could do it all again. Would I have taken more screwdrivers to class, thereby both easing and heightening the pain of actually going to class?
Write, dammit.
That party last night was awfully crazy, I wish you’d taped it.
FUCK. STOP. OKAY. FOCUS.
Three AM. Not a sensible time to be sneaking out your bedroom window. December 14th. Not a sensible time to be sneaking out of your bedroom window in your pajamas and slippers. And yet here I am, crawling out my second story window in the most unflattering clothes I own solely to appease my best friend.
It took all of four seconds for her to arrive after she had begged me for half an hour.
Okay, seriously Melissa. STOP SUCKING AT LIFE.
WHY IS NOTHING COMING TO ME?!

Awesome, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure my free-writing needs a bit of work. :/

Irritated.

Enough said.

Oh, It's Happening...

I'm writing. Right now. I'm going to make myself. And I don't care if it's complete and utter shit or the best thing I've ever written. It's gonna happen.

Years...

I've waited almost a decade to hear this:

"You mean more to me than anyone else in this world."

As selfish as it is, I gotta tell you, it feels amazing.

Last TILT of March 2010

Good evening, TILT. I'm quite a bit more than apologetic for missing last week, but I'm so stressed out, it was definitely going to be difficult to find someone to "love." I know that's bad. Focus on the positve! But, I just needed an outlet. I've never been so very close to failing a class. I'm so scared. And no matter what anyone says, I can't help but continue to freak. When they say "Man, your teacher is a bitch," it doesn't help. I need help passing the class, not talking about how sucky my teacher is. :/

But, alas, no pessimism today. The rain's dragging everyone down enough! We don't need more. And besides, it's spring! Which means awful things for my allergies, but atleast the weather's getting better, right? :)

And now, without further ranting and raving, I present, my TILT:

using harry potter quotes in every day conversation; meeting up with a friend for lunch and just catching up; impressions of people; "so this is my life and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out why that could be."; "hush, hush" by the spill canvas; almost being done with school for the week; making things sound cooler by using a british accent; people with actual british accents; sleeping for a wicked long time; having your teacher tell you 'good job!' 'way to go!'; my high school teachers and the high bar they've set for professors over the rest of my life; when you forget your umbrella, but it doesn't rain enough to warrant one (when you're outside); having someone to walk to your car with; "but truthfully, you are the most amazing failure robot ever. in the whole world."; friends who pull you up when you're down; having things to look forward to (savannah in july!); friends, friends, friends :)

It's the Little Things...

I don't claim to be the best friend ever because I'm not. But I'm a pretty damn good one when I set my mind to it.

I spent half an hour+ looking online for motivational quotes to put on sticky notes. Then, I spent about ten minutes, frantically looking around for places to put them. Once the deed was done, I looked at the clock and realized I was running atleast fifteen minutes late. In a rush, I threw my stuff in the car and booked it.

I was only a bit late for class, but it was worth it. Because I knew she'd wake up, she'd find them and they might make her smile. And she needs to smile.

It was even worth the Hiroshima-sized embarassment from my fall after Lit. Yeah, my knee hurts, yes my ankle hurts, but it's worth it. It's all worth it.

To head back to selfish blogging, though, I really hope I can make it through the rest of this semester. It's getting harder and harder (not really the subjects - with the exception of math) to go on. :(

I need a boost. Or seven.

But I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

Ugh.

I hate how frustrated I become. Saying things when I'm angry.

There's truth to everything, but it's heightened by how hurt I feel.

:/

I wish we could just tell each other how we really feel. Why is it so difficult?

Ha. Like I don't know why.

I'm afraid you'll leave me. Because, honestly, you deserve a lot better than a clingy, mopey, jealous best friend.

I want to get it all out. Everything. How I feel when I'm happy, how I feel when I'm upset, how I feel when I'm irate... But I just can't. My moods move far too quickly and I soon forget I was ever happy or upset or irate.

The only thing constant is that I love you. I always will.

I can pretend I'm strong enough to leave you when I'm angry with you and I can try, but even if we're far apart, I'm never gone from you.

I wish I could tell you everything in your life will always run smoothly. You'll be able to do as you wish and it'll come easily for you. That everyone in your life will get along. You'll never have a want or need for anything.

But I can't, because life's not perfect. The point of life is to look past the imperfections and live your life to the best of your ability.

Don't settle for things. Strive for excellence - even if it drives you to the brink of insanity.

I know in my heart that you're capable of so much more than what you're dealing with now. Don't settle for it. You're a glimmer of hope in my pretty pathetic life. You're meant for something bigger than your own skin. Don't lose hope. Don't lose faith.

I can't tell you we won't ever fight. I can't tell you I'll ever like the same people you do. I can't promise not to be jealous and moody. My feelings are too easily hurt to promise any of that. But I can promise you, I'll always come back. Even if you don't want me to.

My greatest fear is that. That you won't want me anymore. That something - someone else will be of more importance. I don't want to be cast aside - it's happened too many times in my life - and by people who have meant far, far less to me.

You're on your own pedestal in my life. The sun shines out your ass. Even when you make me mad and hurt my feelings. You always come first.

I wish I could stop comparing myself to you, though. I wish I didn't feel second fiddle. I wish I wasn't a backdrop.

And I realize it's not solely everyone else who makes me feel this way. It's my fault, too.

But I can't shake it. Just like I can't shake my family.

I... I can't even find the words to continue. Not because I'm emotionally compromised... but because Kali's distracted me with Savannah pictures...

I'm a doctor, man, not a physicist.

I need to get a social life. That way when I'm finally pushed to my limit, I'll have something else to do than be on your beck and call.

I realize you are the way you are. I know you let your phone die. I know you sleep all day. I realize you don't contribute to conversations online or on facebook. And I don't mind it.

But it is not my purpose in life to:

a. sit around and watch you settle for a life you think you deserve when we both know that's a crock of shit. You know you're meant for better. I know you're meant for better. You're wonderful and it's effortless. Everyone's insecure. You just gotta do it and know it's gonna work out.

or

b. be your dirty little secret. I'm under the impression I'm not really something that should be hidden. I'm a pretty goddamn awesome person, generally. Not to mention one of the most loyal and best friends ever. I'm already not good enough for my family, am I really not good enough for you, too?

I love you. I'll always love you. I don't ever want to leave you and on some levels, I'm not sure I can. But you sure as hell make it damn tempting sometimes. :(

April 9, 2010

It's going down. :)

[It had better or I'm coming after you, Zakk.]

:(

I don't wanna be your "dirty little secret."

I'm pretty sure I deserve better.

Hey Friday!

Disco Kid inspired me. :)

I just spent fifteen minutes dancing in my underwear to "Telephone" by Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce. Because my grandmother's gone and I can.

Win.

We Both Know I'm Not That Strong.

It's Things I Love Thursday, but in place of a TILT (Sorry, gala!) I'm going to blog. Because I seriously need it.

I'm stressed out about school. Math isn't getting any better. Apparently studying gets me an even lower grade than when I don't study. A 40?! I don't make 40's. And I'm not being vain saying that either. I just... don't. I've failed things before, sure. But 40? Noooo. Does not compute. Especially considering the fact that I might've had more time to study for the test if I hadn't been made to write a 1,000 word essay of fire sprinklers for my cousin's scholarship. Yes, that's right. Not MY scholarship. HIS. Bullshit, right?

On top of this spectacular D (and steadily dropping) in Math and my family bullying me into everything, I've got to deal with my grandmother, who, honestly, is a harpy from hell. She never lets me do anything. Ever. And when I try to do things to make her happy, she just bitches.
Dad says he's rented a place... a fully furnished house. But there's no telling how long that'll last. I really have noone I can depend on to save me from this hellhole.
I just want to be independent. I want to have my job, I want to pay my own bills, I want to live on my own. I want to decide where I go, when I go there, and how often I go. I want to make my own decisions.

Speaking of making my own decisions... (Hello, segway)

Everyone is constantly telling me you take serial advantage of me. Generally, I go immediately on the defensive and tell them they don't understand our relationship (which, usually, they don't.) But then I have moments... moments where I agree with them. In those moments, I hate myself. Absolutely abhor myself. You don't deserve for me to think that. I'm just being selfish.

I expect more from you than I should. I always have. You can't fix all my problems. I don't even know if I can be fixed. There's so much wrong with me that we both refuse to acknowledge. I could probably write a book about all the things wrong with me, but that isn't the point...

I hate so much when I'm upset with you. I can't stand myself. I withdraw from you just to prove to myself that I can. That I'm strong enough to make a stand. But the entire time all I do is think of you. Every time you're not in my life and it appears that I don't care, trust me, from the bottom of my heart I can promise you: it is exactly the opposite. You're always there.

I carry your heart with me. And it hurts mine when I think you don't do the same.

I've apologized time and time again for not believing you love me. I must do so again here. I know you love me. I've come to accept this as a truth in my life. You love me - for reasons I can't understand. But at the same time, there's that little part of me that asks: But does she love you enough?

Most of me responds with a resounding yes. 90%. Yes. Irrevocably. But that other 10% picks at me constantly.

All 100% is selfish; thinking I deserve an ounce of the love you give me. But the 10% is a whole new level of spoiled.

I wish I could convey to you in any form of words how much I love you. You're literally the other half of me. I don't know who I am without you. I try to pretend like eventually I'm going to grow up and find who I am... but whenever I try to grow up and let you live your life, I just spiral into a depression. It would be like if the sun went away for most people. Or if the moon/night went away for you.

It's unbearable and, yet, I try to deal. Because keeping you around is more important than keeping me happy. Even if "keeping you around" means "keeping you at a distance."

I hate the distance. I hate when we're not together. I hate it when we don't talk. I hate it when you don't respond to me - especially when you're with him (this kills me because you text him when you're with me, why can't it be the other way around as well?) My mind assumes the worse. I'm paranoid pessimistic.

But even still, I blame myself. I'm too selfish. I expect too much. After all, I'm not used to any amount of affection. Any affection I recieve is more than I'm used to, so I should just be happy I'm getting any at all, right?

I'm glad I know you'll read this. But at the same time it scares me. You'll never leave, you'll never leave, but what if this is the time you change your mind?

I guess I have to take a deep breath, press post and just cross my fingers.

This is me, irrevocably.

Never in my life have I ever read anything that hit the nail on my head more dead-on than this.

I'm Not Okay, I Promise.

I'll be okay eventually. I'm just... not right now.

It's not anyone's fault but mine.

I'm so used to how my family treats me I'm unaccustomed to things like unconditional love and just doing things because you love someone.

Generally, you only do something because you expect something in return.

Which is why I don't like to let anyone do anything for me. I don't like to feel indebted. I'd prefer to pay for someone else and assure them I don't expect anything in return.

Grr. I just... I have so much bottled up and it's hard to get it all out when I have no idea how to.

I just wish I could be someone else sometimes. Someone worthy or capable of something awesome.

But I guess, for now, I'll just settle for being plain old boring Melissa. And hope that someone, somewhere will eventually be willing to say to me the following:

"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well don't worry... I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." - Charlie Brown, to Snoopy

Suprising, I Know.

Sometimes I just don't want to talk. Silence is golden. Okay? Okay.

I am Sick and I am Tired.

I am sick. And I am tired. I am sick and tired of being unappreciated.

I don't feel like this is "selfish" of me to say. I am entirely underappreciated. I do and do and do for so many people in my life. And what do I get? I get told it was my duty. Either that or there's something else for me to do immediately after.

Is it so hard to say "thank you?" Am I such an untouchable that I can't even get an "I love you"?

Noone in my family ever says "I love you." Except my Mama. The same woman who spend almost two decades of my life ignoring me for anyone else. Not my grandmother, not my uncle, not my aunt, not my grandfather, not anyone. And if your family can't love you, then noone can, right?

But what's so wrong with me? All I've ever tried to do is make them proud of me. Just to get one "good job." I've even dressed up in hopes of hearing a compliment. Even a "you look cute today." But nothing. It's always nothing. I don't see why I even try.

It's disappointment after disappointment.

And even when my friends do understand, it's not their place to pet me. It's not their fault I'm a complete and total fuck up. It's not their fault I'm a bottom-dweller. It's not their fault I don't know *how* to smile or be happy.

But even still, I expect more out of them. I want to know they love me. I want to know they give a shit. And everytime they forget, I freak out and cry because all I do is cry. I take the smallest things and make them huge. One false move and noone loves me. I hate it. But I do it. Especially when it comes to my best friend.

I hate how I feel. But I feel like I need to be someone's number one. I'm everyone else's last place. When am I gonna get the gold? What do I need to do? I'll do anything.

Donate a lobe of my liver? You got it.
Give blood? You got it.
Money? Okay. I'll give as much as I've got.

Just please. C'mon. Someone love me.

Wrong Side of the Bed

Yeah, I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. At 9:30. Because, you know, my life is not my own and I'm supposed to soldier up to my cousin's to do his work for him because "he's busy."

But, hey, there's a thunderstorm and now they've changed their mind. Now Friday morning is mine to spend as I wish (which would be sleeping) and they're probably going to try to rob me of Saturday or Sunday or something. At which point I might be forced to kill them.

I had a dream last night... (It's okay because I've been eating.)

In this dream,

I was trying to get out of my grandparent's house. I kept trying anything. Like, I tried to sneak out at 3 AM, but they were still up. And randomly my cousins and my aunt and uncle were there. So, I was just trapped. Trapped in this house for the rest of my life. Hello metaphor for my actual life.

So then they decide the next day we're going to go to an Aquarium. So, they wake me up at 7 AM. We don't leave until 9. When we get there, I run for it. I'm out of there. And I find my friends. But they either actually don't know me or just don't care to because they push me against the glass wall of the shark tank. And I fall to the floor and cry. Because, let's be honest, that's what I do.

Anyway, for the rest of the dream, I'm pretty much the Phantom of the Aquarium except, you know, not hot like Gerard Butler and not a total creeper. I find it incredibly ironic that I stay in an Aquarium because, hey, this place probably has some form of whale. But apparently I prefer it to my grandmother's house. Especially since all of my friends hate me.

I'm not sure what my subconcious is trying to tell me other than that I'm going to go completely mad (and not the good kind) if I stay here much longer. Perhaps it's trying to tell me I really have no friends? Who knows?

Whatever it's trying to tell me, it can attempt one more time because I'm going the eff back to sleep. Thank you, thunderstorm.

Sometimes Family Isn't Blood.

"When I say "I love you"... it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, and how you try... I've seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." - Joss Whedon

Since When Am I Retarded?

I would like to know at exactly which point in my life I became either deaf, mute, or retarded. Because, apparently, my family is under the impression I am.

"You'll come to our house at 10 am to do his essay."
"Remember, 10 am."
"Don't forget to do a good job."
"Wake him up when you're done."

Excuse me, am I not my own person?

Apparently not. I'm pretty expendable.

Forget how my grades suffer. Forget how stressed out I am.

Forget the fact that I cry because my family doesn't love me.

I'll just come when you ring your bell. Don't worry about what I've got planned.

If your shoes need cleaning, I'll get my own personal toothbrush.
If you need your floors mopped, I'll lick them clean myself.

Because, hey, my own purpose in life is to serve you, family.

I just hope you realize as soon as I'm out of here, I'm never seeing you ever again.

Fuck you, you assholes.

For the Next Time We Play Cranium...

Hey hey, we're the Monkees. And people say we monkey around. :)

Learn it. Love it.

Things I Love Thursday: Hey Soul Sister!

I cannot convey to you in words how good this night was. On the other hand, I do wish this night could've happened with a bit less vodka. Haha. Isn't that fantastic? That I freely admitted to updating this blog when I'm still tipsy?

Fantastic.

But I'm fairly sober. I am still able to correlate words and come up with appropriate sentences.

So, for the reason that I am fighting to stay sober, this list will be short. I hope you don't think badly of me because of this.

Here it is, loves:

hey soul sister by train; cranapple juice + vodka; long, heartfelt talks with your best friend in a cold-ass bathtub (even when they accidently turn the water on and your pants get wet); cranium - especially the green cards; knowing you're loved; having faith in people; people having faith in you; admitting things you've always wanted to; eric bana; watching movies from when i'm young; when *you* play with my hair; having a good cry; spring break; not having your family tell you what to do; being loved...

And that's all I've got right now.


:) I'll try to update more. :)


Love you, Mella

Things I Love Thursday: Almost Spring Break Edition.

A very merry TILT to you, my good madamoiselles and monseuirs. I'm having to grasp for things to love right now due to massive stress about my three midterms tomorrow and the fact that I'm going to get a negative amount of sleep tonight. (If you hadn't noticed by the time.) But, to prove to myself I can still find happiness in the day, here you go:

the official avatar script (found here) - it's so much better than the movie, though the movie is all sorts of epic win; knowing spring break is just one day away (minus student observation); i know it's been on my TILT before, but i love, love, love when people play with my hair. you can pretty much get me to do anything - no foolin'; sleeping in on weekdays and getting snow days; "how you coming on that novel you've been working on....? for three years now? huh?" - that quote from family guy = love. stewie's voice keeps getting higher and higher; raspberry long island iced tea - most delicious alcoholic beverage ever; anything covered in honey barbeque sauce; knowing people miss you; not having breakouts; kitkats; emeralds; writing an amas veritas and having hope that one day you'll meet him and he'll be everything you've ever wanted and always deserved; savannah, georgia - i want to go there so badly i cannot express to you my disappointment i'm still in calhoun; comfy jammies.

i'm sure there's more to love... but i've just not got the energy. wish me luck for tomorrow. i'll need it.