Oh my Godric

2010 is almost over.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

I can't. DAMN.

I need some resolutions I can actually keep!

The Secret Life of Losers:

So, in the past few days, someone got the brilliant idea that we should begin a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-esque trio... complete with book club/tea party/scrapbooking adventures.

It's still up in the air as far as if we'll follow through with it, but it does sound pretty exciting. Especially the book club part.

Today we began our first foray into the Sisterhood-hoodoo. We made matching necklaces. They all have Mardi Gras beads and a golden owl. :) The owl's our symbol... because we're odd looking and never sleep? XD

This is a closer up view of the necklace... and my cleavage. Sorry!

It's super cute. I'll probably wear it most of the time. I mean, the owl is adorable and it's my three favorite colors, isn't it? :)

I think that's about it. Mainly because I'm feeling a bit hungry and I'm going to see if I can guilt someone into making an egg sandwich.

Probably not, but wish me luck.

Love,

Mella

For the first time in my life,

I have had an incredible Christmas.

For every Christmas in the past, I've spent nights cooped up in my room, completely alone, generally crying... My family's never cared much for the holiday... or for me so I hadn't much hopes for the holiday.

However, this year was wonderful. Not because of the snow... though it was pretty nice. You know, because it never happens in Georgia... and it was a white Christmas... which has, like, never happened in my entire life.

It was a wonderful Christmas because I spent it with people who actually care about me... People who made sure that I was entertained and having fun.

I got gifts that I actually appreciated a lot (including a Union Jack fan!) But I also got to play Pictionary with one of the coolest guys I've ever met... (and we dominated! Hell yes!), I got to participate in a Chinese Auction (Hello automatic counting money jar!), had my hair played with, got a new Toshiba laptop (which is so fantastic I cannot even tell you), bought tons of books, have a friendship necklace (complete with mardi gras beads and an owl!) ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND I've just had a generally wonderful time.

I even got to play Spades, Bullshit, and Spoons. :)

It's just been great. I hope 2011 holds many more weekends like this one.

I hope you guys are staying warm.

I love you.

Mella

Writing from my new Toshiba...

And I am struck with an incredible desire to write! Oh, if only I could.

I love you guys and I hope you had a very merry Christmas.

I Got a Toshiba!

But I'm gonna miss this ACER. :(

We've been through some rough times.

PLUS all my stuff is saved on here! And I just got WORD!

Happy Christmas Eve!

I don't really have much to say right now. Tonight my family will come together, eat, bitch, and ultimately open gifts.

I will hate it the entire time (especially considering Scott and my mother will be there), but as of right now, I don't give a fuck.

I just finished a really hard book to get through (ohmygodIwantedittoendsobadly) and now I'm moving on to the other ten books I swore to read. Next up is Blood and Chocolate.

I've been asked to read Dead Until Dark but I really don't want to.

I'm so sick of vampires.

And from what I know of TruBlood (which, I know, is not legitimately the same thing), I hate Sookie Stackhouse.

So... I'd just rather not.

But I'm not unhappy.

I just know I will be again eventually.

It's so nice :)

I cannot even begin to explain how I feel about this kid. He was this annoying brat who continuously bugged me for half my life and now, he's one of the only people in my family who I genuinely like. I love him ridiculously and cannot imagine my life without him.

If I ever get married, I want him to give me away. He's the only person in my family who has never hurt me. Ever. And anytime I'm hurting, it's like he KNOWS I am because he shows up and makes me feel better...

I know he'll never read this - and I'd be embarrassed if he did, truthfully, but if he ever does: I love you, Cord. Thank you for always making me smile when I'm down. You're the only person I know who can.

/end

I REALLY do :)

For once, I really do have a happy in my heart place. For the most part, I've gotten my Christmas list settled. I just need to buy them (which is happening online, of course.) I know I'm a little late in it, but I'm really pleased by what I'm getting everyone. And I just feel really GOOD, you know?

I'm happy. All on my own. It's insane.

Liam never loved you.

Today was a fun day.

Which is pretty great because I don't have many of those.

It started out meeting Kali at K-mart.

She gave me my gift, which was a hilarious box of gag-type gifts. I almost cried I was laughing so hard.

Then we went to see RED (Helen Mirren is beautiful) for $1.50. Movies for $1.50 are fantastic. Especially when you're the only people in the theatre.

When we got out, I had a text from Jesse. He was like, "Watching a movie?"

So I called him up and asked him why he was so obsessed with me. HA.

Then Kali and I went over to his house.

THEN SOMEHOW WE WENT TO KENNESAW FOR COLDSTONE.

It was brilliant. :D

We had a lot of fun screaming (me) and singing (them) on the ride. And just, overall, it was a pretty good day :)

As an aside...

I'm going to try writing tonight.

Anyone interested in being the most helpful person on Earth?

Let me know.

Amazing...

Today was the first day since my adolescence that the trip to my great aunt's for Christmas didn't make me want to die.

Generally, it's pretty awful.

But today, Haley and I didn't fight.

Nana and I didn't argue.

Noone complained (except Rachel, who I would like to jackslap and I've never wanted to do that to a ginger before.)

I walked in and Kris instantly begged me to sit and talk to her... Cord and Vicky were there... Everything was good.

We even took pictures. Haley, Cord and I.

It was oddly nice.

We ate, opened our cards, Cord and Jordan played songs and I sang (badly, of course.)

But it was just really nice for once.

I didn't feel inferior to any of them and it was just a good day.

:)

All better...

I found these pictures lurking on a social networking site that shall remain nameless... and I remembered all the really good times I had at Berry when I was a freshman. Now I'm feeling nostalgic, but better.

So thank you Jenny. Thank you Kayla. Thank you Christy. Thank you everyone who friended me when I was just a freshman scared to death :)

Oh no.

I'm having one of THOSE moments.

You know, the moment where I can't exactly figure out why I'm so unattractive.

It's just baffling to me because sometimes I think I'm really pretty... and other people just don't.

So I assume I'm not.

I've heard that "it's all about confidence" mumbo jumbo, but come on.

It's really about how pretty/skinny/slutty you are.

It has nothing to do with your character or your thoughts.

You have to be conventionally beautiful for anyone to actually find you attractive.

Atleast, that's how it goes in this stupid ass town.

And now I will return to my pity party and cry about how noone thinks I'm pretty.

I will return later and/or tomorrow in better spirits.

This is what I love:

I love things that make me feel inspired. People, songs, movies, books... Anything that inspires me to be something just resounds with me.

I say this because I've just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower and I really identify with Charlie (minus the drugs and sex.) I think that's probably odd to identify with him because of what's happened to make him how he is... but I still do.

He's awkward and he doesn't "participate" and he's a wallflower. I am too.

Perks is the kind of book that I like to read and then take a few hours to sink in before I start something else.

The way the book is written - the letters to the mystery person - is like a diary... but it's honest and it's real and it really makes you think.

Ha. Listen to me trying to wax philosophical.

I think, really, what I'm trying to say is this book really reminds me how important friends are.

I know you've read entry after entry where I gush about my friends, but this book makes me want to cry (SPOILER ALERT: Charlie cries a lot) because I'm just that thankful for my friends. Really, incredibly thankful.

sdjfisdfjisdfsdfsdfs

I mean, they're all different. None of them are the same and I'm never the same person around any of them. I'm a Charlie. I'm who they want me to be. Which is a bummer and at the same time it's not.

It means each friend offers a different experience.

I understand Charlie. He doesn't participate. He's just there and at the same time he's not. I'm not sure what's wrong with me... But I highly doubt I'm going to have a Charlie-esque epiphany that's going to bring everything to light.

I'm really not trying to pretend like I'm being thought provoking or whatever. This book really just made me think.

And I wish I could convey to you exactly what I think. But, unlike Charlie, I can never find the words.

I'm Just Saying...

If anyone wants to send me a Christmas card, I'm all for it.

:)

TILT | Baby, It's Cold Outside

Happy Early Christmas!

So, it's cold outside... there's ice on the road... and I'm couped up in my room covered in blankets... on a Thursday. I think this means it's time for a TILT.

:)

veronica mars (specifically logan echolls) | spending time with my friends, especially on their birthday | red velvet cake - even if it sucks and falls apart | being a wallflower at parties i didn't want to attend anyway | perks of being a wall flower (so far, atleast) | straightening my hair for the first time in decades and having it look halfway decent! | shakespeare's tavern | LoVe | Christy's mom - she's one of the best mothers ever and, though i don't do so often, i'm praying for her | Christy's leather couch - that thing is nice. | having paternal talks with dogs | dancing around like an idiot with christy | "i wish i knew how to quit you. shh. it's not me. it's wu." | the bieste in glee - she's such a good character and i adore her! | rupert grint - as always | sorting hat quizzes that aren't ridiculously biased or obvious | "are you from africa?" "no, why?" "because AFRICAN love you." | dreaming of going to london | having good ideas for christmas gifts for friends | not knowing what i want for christmas | tangled | easy a | dreams you can share with your friends | christmas trees | 'we used to be friends' - the dandy warhols | and more!

"Duncan gave her chlamydia."

Here's to you, Christy. For being awkward and rude and snarky and great.

May neither of us date Duncans.

Hold out for the Logans!

BFF's... Forever!

:)

Happy Belated Birthday :) Je t'aime!

p.s. I think we both look exceptionally beautiful in this blurry photo.

Just saying.

Private Eyes...

So, I left on Saturday to head to Christy's for her birthday weekend.

I felt so much like Hagrid on my journey you have no idea. See, the reason I felt like Hagrid is because in addition to the Hogwarts Acceptance Letter I carried, I also brought her a cake! :)

Though her parents are MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH nicer, kinder, and etc. than the Dursley's. :)

I guess she enjoyed her gift... She didn't SAY any differently... It's really hard to tell what Christy likes though...

Anyway, after that, we had a bit of a scuffle trying to prepare a gingerbread cake for the party, which, as we predicted, was an insanely huge waste of our time and quite boring.

We were total wall flowers. Except when I beat them (Christy and Kristi) at Pool and Fooseball. :) (The latter completely by myself 10-3)

After that evening was blissfully over, we retired to the Prewett house where we... watched Veronica Mars? There was sleeping too at some point.

Sunday all we did was watch Veronica Mars... and we now have stupid things to say to one another... :)

Monday was Christy's 22nd birthday and after we watched an episode of Veronica Mars, we got ready for the trip to ATL with Kristi and Allicia. We had a bit of car trouble, but eventually we made it to Shakespeare's Tavern and we watched A Christmas Carol. Later we ate at Steak'n'Shake and then we went home to - you guessed it - Veronica Mars.

The next day consisted of Veronica Mars. Again.

AND I LEFT TODAY.

I'm sure she's super happy to be rid of me at last! :)

But yes, that's my entire past few days in their entirety. Enjoy.

Tomorrow.

Leaving for Christy's tomorrow.

I'm really excited to give her her gift.

If she doesn't like it, I will promptly run to one of your houses and fling myself onto your bed, lamenting my sad pathetic existence.

Just saying.

Because I think this gift is REALLY excellent.

Aside from that, I really just wish they'd post grades!

I keep going to the site only to say things like "dammit!" and "fuck!" because it still says WIP.

FUCK!

Now I'm going to return to reading Perks of Being a Wallflower while I wait Jilly's return to AIM.

Amazon Wish List

I'm currently stumbling through Amazon.com, trying to decipher (in the midst of EVERYTHING) what I shall purchase for my friends this holiday season.

However, in a quite unMelissa manner, I am also making a wish list of my own. The thing about it is, I can't think of anything I want. :/

Even if I could decide though, I wouldn't dare ask for any of it.

So, it's kind of moot to keep a wish list, isn't it?

I Can't Remember...

So, I can't recall if I've told you about my pen pal yet or not...

Assuming I haven't... (which, let's be honest, is probably the case,) let me tell you a little bit about her.

First off, her name is Autumn. She's from Texas. And she's a Slytherin.

Next, she dyes her hair pink, she has a dark mark tattoo, and she's a really excellent artist.

She's really hilarious, too. In every single letter she sends, she'll draw tons of doodles that make me LOL! And she always draws something witty on the envelope! (See below!)

The first letter she ever sent me was on Harry Potter stationary. Talk about bad ass.

And yes, there is a theme developing here.

Our entire pen-pal-ship began with Harry Potter... and, honestly, it hasn't deviated much in the letters. Mostly just because I'm in school (and my life is boring) and she's trying to get into school (though her life may or may not be boring...)

EITHER WAY, she's really wicked cool and her letters always make my day.

Holy Jamma Lamma!

We've been through a lot together, haven't we online journal?

We've been together for 205 long blog posts. It's been a roller coaster of emotion!

We've got some pretty heavy baggage...

Now, I must be honest with you, now that I've admitted this, I've thought several times about starting a new blog.

Before you get upset - as I know you will - let me just say, I've decided I won't.

After all, you know all my light and my dark.

I can't leave you.

At the same time though, I can't just start being happy and pretending none of it happened...

Regardless, I want to try to make this relationship more than just bitching and whining and feeling sorry for myself.

I hope you help me because you've been loyal so far!

:)

:/

I've been crying for no reason all night/morning.

I don't like it.

I Am a Goldfish.

For all of my life - as far as my family is concerned, I have been a goldfish.

By this, I mean that they have grudgingly housed me, occasionally remembered to feed me, and stared at me sometimes...

Their nurturing goes no farther than this.

And, I want to say, I do realize a lot of people have it worse than me and I cannot dwell on this fact forever...

My problem is I'm egocentric in this regard. I feel like I'm the only person who has ever felt everything I feel.

But I'm often told I'm not.

"Everyone feels that way. Noone is perfect."

Sure, noone is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone feels poorly at some point.

But see, there are these people of "everyone" who soldier up and feel better eventually.

Then there are people like me, who consistently feel poorly, but generally fake "better" pretty well.

And then... there are those people who commit suicide.

I feel like these people do this because they feel noone listens to them or that they have noone to talk to about when they feel poorly.

I imagine that they probably - at some point - did try to talk to someone and that person probably did what a lot of my friends do when I'm depressed. They "tried to make it better" by saying whatever that person wanted to hear.

But the truth is, when you're depressed, you just want to tell someone how you feel and you really just want that person to LISTEN and CARE. You want someone to care what's going on and actually genuinely be concerned.

Which brings me back to my original point.

I am a goldfish. I am a lone goldfish in a glass bowl.

The most care I've received is an occasional feeding by my forgetful "owners."

I can't talk to them about anything.

They never listen.

And when I talk to my friends, they just try to make me feel better.

Or they apologize.

Which is something I do too. When someone feels poorly, I say "I'm so sorry." Because, really, I'm not sure what else to say. I'm a really good listener and I care deeply for people... but I'm not much of a problem solver.

So my reflex is "I'm sorry."

But what I mean by "I'm sorry" is "I truly am sorry you're not feeling well right now. I'm here for you. I don't really know what to do, but if you need to talk more or if you need someone to hug you, I can do that. I love you and I hope you feel better soon."

When most people say they're sorry, I'm sure they just mean that they're sorry the person is feeling poorly.

But that doesn't really help does it?

Truth.

I wish that there was one person who could look at me and honest to God just think I was the most beautiful thing on Earth.

I wish someone could look at me and tell me I was beautiful or pretty... Not because I'm sad or because I just want to hear it, but because they believe it, you know?

I look in the mirror and I see a whole lot of ugly.

I just assume that's what everyone else sees too.

And the only time anyone counters this thought is when I'm depressed and telling everyone how I feel...

They only say it to make me feel better.

But it doesn't.

I know they're just saying it because they think I want to hear it.

And I do. But I want them to mean it. I want them to believe it.

I want them to look at me and think. "Wow, she's really beautiful."

Not just "on the inside."

You tell people they're beautiful on the inside just because they're sort of unfortunate looking.

I don't want to be "beautiful on the inside."

I want to be beautiful on the outside.

I want people to believe I'm beautiful and tell me.

But it's a hopeless wish, isn't it?

I guess I'll get over it someday.

Hey, hey, you, you:

First off, a hearty congratulations to Christy Prewett who finally gave Ho Lo the what for! After over two years of being their miserable little slave, she finally quit! She's incredibly happy now and I'm happy for her! :) Way to go! I can't wait to celebrate your resignation AND your birthday next weekend! I hope you love your gift~ :)

Aside from that, all I've got to say is that I went to see Tangled with Kali. It's just as wonderful the second time. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD! I'll be the first one in line to buy it~ :D After all, I finally have a princess! And Flynn Ryder is fantastic, too! And Pascal! And Maximus! Oh, it's just a fantastic little movie. I hate Disney for not making more!

And tomorrow Kali and I will be venturing forth to Chattanooga to scour McKay's for books! I'm so excited~ I just hope we don't get lost!

But... yes... that's my life. I've got one more final left... but once I've finished, I'm done! :D Until next semester!

Now I'm gonna go watch Princess and the Frog... again. :)

p.s. 200th post!

Problems of a Very Unique Kind.

So, my problem is that I want to make a list of all the things which I desire - not for Christmas (just in general), but I'm frightened those of you that read might actually take it into your head to get them for me. :/

I know it sounds stupid, but I don't want this. You are already my dearest and most adored friends, I can ask no more of you than that.

Irregardless - I'm going to make a list anyhow. (After all, I do need a list of things to ask my parents for because if I ask for money, I never buy myself anything, which can be proven by the fact I spent 75% of my money on gifts for other people, food for other people, movie tickets for other people, and etc.)

So, without further adieu, my list (in NO particular order):

• Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion (DVD)
• Daria: The Complete Season (DVD)
• Spice World (DVD)
• Then 10th Kingdom (DVD)
• Little Women (DVD)
• A League of Their Own (DVD)
• 13 Going on 30 (DVD)
• A Little Princess (DVD)
• Inception (DVD)
• Wild Target (DVD)
• TONS OF BOOKS
• Assistance in making myself the most badass and Melissa-esque collage ever
• Something written especially for me (THIS, you may get me.)
• Sweets that I shouldn't consume (particularly red velvet cake!)
• Clothes
• Somebody to love~
• A Harry Potter MARATHON
• A trip to Wizarding World of Harry Potter... with someone less... ahem.
• To be beautiful
• To feel beautiful
• A trip to Great Britain
• Rupert Grint
• Rupert Grint's love and affections
• A new car (atleast new to me!)
• A home
• People to actually reply to texts. :/ Jenny's the only one who ever does anymore (Thank you, dear Jenny!)
• To lose weight.
• To grow out my hair and see if I hate it (I probably will.)
• To go to sleep right now and try this again tomorrow.

... I got a little extravagant there towards the end, didn't I? Yikes!

Oh Wednesday...

Why do you make me so sleepy?

Yesterday was an exhausting day. I fell asleep not long after that last post. And then I woke up at 10 o'clock to the sound of my phone dying...

Now all I want to do is go back to sleep.

I think this can be arranged, as I'm almost finished with school and I have yet to decide which book I'll read next. I finished Stardust a few moments ago and will probably watch the movie (which is VERY different) before I decide.

Any suggestions?