The Difficulty of This Surpasses My Expectations.

I didn't realize until right now how utterly difficult it is to write when you're forcing yourself to do so. I've been trying like crazy to motivate myself to write something these past few weeks (with slight nudges from Lilly, of course), but to no avail.

I simply cannot write unless I am inspired. Yet my inspiraiton is so sporadic and fickle that I can never manage to summon it. And then when I'm inspired, I cannot harness it. I have to write down everything I can in one sitting and then it's gone. If I try to go back to whatever I've written, I just can't.

I think it's because my mind has ADHD. I'll have an idea, but ten minutes later my mind will be going a completely different direction than I originally intended and the two contrasting ideals will war for a bit before fizzling out.

Which is why I'm not that great at writing. Because I'll get ideas, but then I can't force myself to write them. So when I finally write, I'm writing something completely different than I started out thinking about.

It's because of this that a lot of my best stories simply wither away and die in my brain. Quite unfortunate. I could've been the next "big thing." (For the record, I'm not sure I'd want this. Do you see what they've done to Twilight? Not cool.)

And really that's all I've got to say. It's super hard to force yourself to write when you're not really feeling it. And even if you can get something down to work with, it never feels right. It's second rate when there's nothing pushing you.

So if you're a writer and you don't have it in you to write, maybe you shouldn't try. Seek out things that give you inspiration. For me, it's the sky - at twilight or at dawn. And Owl City, obviously. Find these things that give you ideas and inspire you and allow your muse to settle until the words come as naturally as breathing. That's when stories are the best. :)

I Can't Take Two More Weeks of This.

It's raining. Like, monsoon, crazy-ass rain.

It's been raining like this for atleast a week and a half. And it's supposed to continue for the next two weeks. If it does, just let it be known, I'm swearing out a Vendetta against Mother Nature. And I really don't want to do this as she's been very kind and lovely in her work.

But don't think for a minute that I won't. I like rain in nice incriments, but this is just downright cruel. All I hear is rain. It's like I've moved to the desolate town of Forks, Washington, but I'm not skinny, nor am I living with my awkward father (just an awkward roommate) and I have yet to see any vampires around here who strike my fancy.

So, seriously, Mama N, can we just call it a truce and be done with it? I love you, but I'm getting sick of your shit.

Pessimism is a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Today I lost twenty-one dollars. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal. So what? It's only twenty-one dollars, right? Not exactly.

See, I don't have a job. Meaning, I don't have money. So I pay my bills and buy my groceries when my parents give me an allowance (which sucks and makes me feel like a total brat.)

So the fact that I've lost the money for my half of the phone bill incredibly distresses me. I feel so guilty and stupid for having lost it somewhere on the massive campus at KSU. It's like I can't do anything right.

But despite the fact that I feel like crap, I'm not going to allow myself to mope. Because seriously, where's that going to get me? Absolutely nowhere.

Realistically, this could've happened to anyone.
Pessimistically, it happened to me.
Optimistically, though, I get to decide whether I'm going to let it ruin my life or not.

Yes, it was stupid. However, it was also a mistake. I didn't mean to lose it and I'm going to try not to let it happen again.

But before I do that, I have to remind myself that no matter what sort of crappy things happen to me, I can't focus on them. Being depressed is not nearly as great as being happy.

So seriously, Melissa, stop being such a Debbie Downer. Smile about things and appreciate what you do have. Even if you think it's hard, it's NOT impossible.

(God, Lilly. Thanks for the mental peptalk you totally just gave me during this blog.)

If My Heart Was a Compass, You'd Be North.

I will contribute nothing of substance to this blog. I simply wish to share this quote:

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

I think it's a beautiful description of what a soul mate is.

And dead on for what we're all looking for.

Occasionally, shmoccasionally.

There are times when I feel like the entire world is in on some really big secret and they have just conveniently forgotten to inform me of what it is.

But, you know what? I've got news for the world. I have a secret, too.

And this secret makes me feel like Mary from the Secret Garden. Though my secret is not tangible like her garden. In fact, it's much better than that. You can feel the secret and you can see the secret, but you can never touch it. Which makes it a little bit more special.

The difference between me and the world is that I don't mind sharing it.

My secret is... friendship.

It's the key to everything.

Whether it's hoes before bros or bros before hoes. Friends (real friends) are always there for you and they always try to do what's best. No matter who comes in and out of your life or who says what about you, they always know you best and love you most.

And I don't think the world realizes this. But you should. Friendship shouldn't be a secret and it shouldn't be made to be material.

Friendship is a matter of finding a bit of yourself in someone else. And it's a fantastic feeling.

So you just need to stop, slow down and evaluate yourself.

Are the friends you have the kind of friends you can spend hours talking with? Are the friends you have the kind who'll share their cake with you (even if they're a Taurus)? Are they the type of people who love you even when you're at your worst?

If so, then consider yourself lucky.

If not, then I think you should seek friends like this out. And when you find them, don't keep it a secret.

They'll like knowing how much you appreciate them and the world will be a bit better of a place because of it.

Let's Make This Official...

I've finally been to DragonCon now.

It was a long, exhausting day starting at 7:45 am (and not ending until 2:30 am), but it was completely and totally worth it.

I saw Patrick Stewart's glorious bald head, his emerald shirt, black blazer, and his dainty wire glasses. (Note: is anything God wears considered dainty? Or shall I be smited for this? I'm not sure. Remind self to ask Data.)

In addition, I was less than 3 feet from Tom Felton (who says water beautifully) and I saw Vic Mignsjkfhga (From Ouran... and, like, everything else.) It was super exciting to be so close to them. And, overall, Dragon Con was just like how everyone always dreams it's going to be.

Tons of hilarious, well thought costumes. Lots of pictures. Great people.

One man had this gun and rushed us onto the escalator in front of him. He was big and really funny. He said he liked my headband. Haha! "Those police outfits seem really realistic." (Real cops. LOL)

I can't even begin to describe all that happened. But it was great and I want to go again next year. Maybe then I'll have money to do things (like stalk Patrick Stewart, Tom Felton, Peter Facinelli - who had a wonderful hat on, and Vic.)

But until next year, this is all I've got for you concerning the wonder that is... DRAGONCON. =)

Fate, I'm Asking You to Complete My Life.

I want to meet Patrick Stewart @ Dragon*Con.

I'm begging you, fate. You have me on my knees. Just give me one moment, one picture. He's, like, the voice of God and I desperately need to be in the same room with him or my heart will break and I shall cry.

No. Seriously.

I've waited for this moment since my father teethed me on Star Trek: TNG.

Please, fate. Please see it fit to allow us to converse for however brief a moment.

Beautiful?

Okay, so maybe being a redhead isn't too terribly bad. Everyone loves my hair.

Even this random guy in the Commons (Great Hall.) He complimented me and Lilly on our beautiful red hair. Haha.

And the more I look at myself in the mirror, the more I feel like it reflects my personality. Though I'm still self concious about it.

Ashley described it incredibly well today at the mall. "You love it because it's new and bright, but you hate it because it draws attention."

It's very true. But it made me a bit more confident. And I feel like I look a bit older, too. Which is good. I don't exactly want to look like a fifteen year old when I'm almost twenty-one. That's all kinds of fail.

So I think I'll keep this color around for a while... at least until my roots grow out. Then... well, I guess we'll just have to see!

Spontaneous Decisions are Not My Forte.

Last night, I made a spontaneous decision to finally give into my desire to dye my hair red. Myself and my roommate piled into her truck and went immediately to the hair color aisle at Wal-mart.

As soon as we arrived, I wondered what I'd gotten myself into. I didn't know which color would look best on me! I'm horrible with hair colors. I can barely even describe the color of my own hair.

But after a few moments, Christy picked a shade that looked like it would look pretty (and natural) on my hair. So off we went to our house to immediately begin the process.

Now I sit in our living room with burgandy hair and I'm torn between the desire to cry because I miss my golden locks and laugh because of how ridiculous I look. Though I'm not doing either. I can always dye it a similar color to my natural hair.

It's a bit difficult to be optimistic now though. I can't pull off obscure hair colors. :(