"May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!"

Okay, so before I spend the next fifteen minutes gushing about The Hunger Games trilogy, I have a few announcements to make:

• I have officially began my withdrawal from my math class. Thus the reason I'm at home instead of being endlessly bored in a room with annoying middle-aged women who enjoy talking about themselves too much.
• I'm incredibly excited and nervous about changing my major. I've thought about it a lot and I just feel like this is right. Even still, I'm nervous and a bit nauseous about my future. It feels a lot brighter and less suffocating though.
• I am seriously wondering if I could get a loan to visit Christy while she's in London. Or perhaps sell my books back enough for half of the ticket and get the rest of my parents? (Ha! Laughable, right?) I just really want to go. 
• I'm so sleepy. Not that you care much, but I spent Tuesday morning from 1- 8 reading Catching Fire and Mockingjay. Then I slept about four and a half hours before I finished Mockingjay. Then I didn't get much sleep last night. Thankfully, I can sleep in tomorrow. At least a little. 

And now, for my gushing about The Hunger Games. I will try to keep it brief because I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't read it.

First of all, I want to say that, though Katniss is a pretty great character, my favorite characters are Cinna, Haymitch and Peeta.

Peeta is the male tribute from District 12 (where Katniss is from.) He's the baker's son and someone Katniss shares a connection with - even if she tends to forget it a bit as they grow up. He's a really great character; really charismatic and funny. From the first time he was introduced, I knew he was the one I wanted Katniss to end up with in the end. (OTP). I consistently cheered for him the entire time, even when the author didn't want me to and regardless of what happened in the end, I still love him. Peeta's the kind of guy I'd enjoy falling in love with.

Haymitch is also from District 12. He is one of the tributes from a Hunger Game in the past. He survived and became the winner of his year. Not many tributes from District 12 stay alive in the games. None have since he won. Yet every year he "coaches" the tributes in an attempt to help them win. For reasons unknown, Haymitch shares a close relationship with alcohol. For all purposes, he's not supposed to be a likable character. He's gruff and a smartass and he's rarely nice to Katniss or Peeta. He reminds me a lot of House. I really like the type of guy he is, though. He's nothing more or less than you expect him to me... until, sometimes, he is. 

Cinna is, by far, my favorite character. He's Katniss' personal stylist from the Capitol. He's the one who is responsible for making Katniss look fabulous enough to score sponsors, who will donate money so Haymitch can afford the things she needs while she's in the arena. He's just... the best character. I really just don't know what else I can say about him. He's a gorgeous guy with the ability to transform Katniss from a regular girl to the girl on fire. He's talented at what he does and a real friend to Katniss. I do have to say, he breaks my heart in Catching Fire though, but you'll have to read to find out why!

Read the books if you get a chance. It's a good series and a quick read.

Love,

Mella

p.s. Other favorites include: Rue, Finnick and Boggs

p.p.s. Least favorites: Gale, Snow, and numerous characters from Mockingjay.

I Was Having a Really Good Day.

True story. I was having a pretty good day today. I took my Geology test, hung out with Christy, made a pretty huge decision, got pulled over, saw some ducks, played some tennis and went home fairly happy and confident.

Too bad I'm miserable again now.

Fleeting moments of happiness. That's all I'll ever achieve. 

Awesome.

Love,

Mella

Happy Birthday, Cord.

Cord's nineteen today. It's pretty bizarre.

I haven't done anything today but study for Geology and go with town to Nana.

Since, I've finished making note cards for Geology and written "worthless" on my ankle.

I'm now going to return to crying over my Geology book. I have to finish Chapter 9 for the test tomorrow.

One is the Loneliest Number That You'll Ever Do.

I've felt extraordinarily lonely today. I woke up after having a nightmare and then ate some breakfast before decorating Cord's cake.

Afterwards, I finished my math quiz before straightening Haley's hair. Cord came to get her at some point after that.

I'm not really sure what I've been doing since...

I just feel very alone.

If Jenny wasn't texting me, I'm pretty sure I'd be crying. How pathetic am I?

Love,
Mella

p.s. According to Three Dog Night, two can be as bad as one, but I don't believe them.

The Weather Today Is Slightly Miserable With A Good Chance of Rain.

It's been raining all day. On and off, of course. But it's been storming something terrible and there was hail earlier and now it's just raining really hard and I can't help but remember when I lived in Hiram and it rained for four days straight. I felt so claustrophobic. And I feel the same way now. I really wish it'd settle down. Just a bit. Not so much hard raining, you know?

I like rain just as much as the next girl, but there is a limit, right?

Today's been boring. Extremely dull. I straightened Haley's hair and MADE her listen to the Beatles. Her parents dislike them, so someone has to educate the poor girl. Then I watched this really great movie called Love and Other Disasters. It's a really, really good movie with Brittany Murphy in it and if you haven't seen it, I recommend it. It's on Netflix and it's instant so you can watch it at any time, really :)

Now I'm just trying to fall asleep... I haven't cried yet, so hopefully this means I'll go to sleep without the wracking sobs I had last night. It was terrible and I hate it. It was an awful night. My entire body shook and I kept crying and pleading/begging/praying...

I wish I weren't so miserable.

Regardless, I hope you're having a nice day and staying dry wherever you are!

Love,
Mella

p.s. Yes, I do overuse the word "regardless" in my posts. My apologies.

A Letter To You.

This is for you.

Hey, it’s me. I just want you to know that the person you are right now… The person who you’re unhappy with? I love that person.

I don’t even have to know you to know that you’re wonderful. Your every pore radiates it.

You are beautiful. Every flaw that you find in yourself only makes you more so. I can promise you that.

The breakouts you have when you’re stressed? They prove that you persevere through hard/stressful times. They’ll be gone in a week or so and you’ll still be kicking ass and taking names. You’re a little bit heavier than you’d like? Every curve of you is still gorgeous. Not to mention you are less likely to miscarry with your children. You’ve got freckles? Personally, I think freckles are gorgeous. They’re like constellations of stars across your body and what could be better than that? You feel like you’re not talented? I can promise you that in some way you are truly gifted. You may not be able to play Beethoven’s Fifth on the piano, but you could probably bake a delicious chocolate cake! Or you’re probably really good at being there for people (or animals sometimes, too) who need it! Regardless of what it is, I can promise there is something you excel at that not many others do!

I can promise you here and now that you are one of the most lovely people ever. There will never be another person on Earth exactly like you and that’s why you should love yourself.

This is my letter to you. My letter to assure you that no matter what your life is like right now, you are worthy of so much love and admiration.

You are a gorgeous, amazing, talented being and if you need reminded of that, let me know. I’ll be more than happy to tell you.

Love always,
Mella

I Cried Today.

The first time I cried I was reading The Hunger Games, which, I feel, completely excuses me. I was skeptical of the book at first, but I gave it a shot and I actually really like it a lot. I can already tell that the series is going to be one of the ones that breaks my heart. I'm not going to say anything because I know someone may read it later, but it's really worth the read, I think.

The second time I cried I was looking up flights to London to visit Christy. The cheapest tickets I found were $880. Not bad. Not bad at all. (With the taxes and such it was a bit more expensive, but still - not terrible!) Anyway, I obviously cannot afford it. I'm already in so much debt and my parents don't give a shit about me.

It's sad. I know my dad cares a lot, but since he got divorced, he hasn't gotten out of the mindset that his wants are more important than my needs. He still gives me money for things, such as gas and school, but he never calls to see how I am and he never wants to see me. Neither of my parents care much about what I need or how I'm doing.

I could be on the verge of suicide and they'd have no clue. (I'm not.)

I want to go to a psychologist, but that's unlikely to happen. I'm "just being emotional." I need to "suck it up." "Life isn't fair."

I get that life isn't fair. If it was I'd have had a happy family. My parents would've heaped attention on me and everyday they would've told me how good and wonderful and beautiful I was. No one would ever mock me, I would've done well in all my classes and there would be absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'd be happy and finished with school and I'd have a job all lined up. I'd travel the world and have friends who clamored for my attention because I was just so much fun to be with.

But that's not the reality. I have parents that I have to beg for attention from, a grandmother who treats me like the hideous waste of space I feel like, friends who are wonderful, but have so much more going for them than hanging out with me and the farthest I've been from home is Kentucky. I'm in debt to my eyeballs and I'm still not even close to finish. Oh, and not to mention, I loathe my major.

I'm just so sick of my life right now. It frustrates and depresses me, leaving me feeling so hopeless.

I know I should appreciate my life. I know this and I feel awful about complaining like this, but I can't help it.

I can already see my life.

I can see myself at the age of 40. I'll be miserable teaching in an elementary school. I'll go to work miserable, I'll try to put on a happy face for the kids, who will be awful to me because I'm so easily ran over, I'll do all my work and be stressed out of my mind, then I'll go home to cats that make me sneeze (and no one else) and I'll make a microwavable dinner which is bound to make me even fatter than I already am and then I'll read until it's time to go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

I can already see it. I perfectly envision it in my mind and, oh god, does it leave me feeling hopeless.

That's just how I feel.

Hopeless.

Without hope.

The absence of hope.

Regardless, I hope you're all well. I'm sorry I'm so negative.

Love,
Mella

Long Days, Short Days, What Does It Matter?

Today was a pretty long day. This is mainly due to the fact that I stayed up fairly late trying to make a friend feel better. I failed, as I generally do, but I did make an attempt.

I mean, I can understand why I failed. When I'm miserable, there's no shot in hell of my friends making me feel better. But even still, when they try, it DOES help. Unless I'm just to that point where I'm frustrated with everything.

Enough about that, though.

I went to PE and presented my Health Hazards of Smoking. I was embarrassed and I really hate presenting. When I wasn't looking at my notes, I stared at the door... :/ I am so self conscious it literally pains me to be in front of people.

Anyway, I also turned in my test. I have an 84 on it now, which is BALLS. But hopefully I'll still make an A in the class. I haven't made all A's since senior year of high school!

Afterwards, I went to Geology and tried very hard to ignore ObnoxiousGirlWhoTalksAlotAndSaysThingsNoOneCaresAboutAndAsksQuestionsDuringLectureSoYouCan'tHearOhAndAlsoInterruptsYouDuringConversationAndRepeatsThingsFifteenThousandTimes. It was exceedingly difficult, but I tried. I mean, I'm polite to her and I answer her questions generally, but I had very little sleep today and did NOT want to put up with a thousand questions so I barely talked to anyone in Geo - but most especially not to her.

After that I went to the registrar to check on my SAT scores (to see if they had them - they did not) and then I got my application stuff for getting into the education program. Everything seems really easy now that I have access to my SAT scores. I can just send them and get the rest of the stuff taken care of and all I'll need to do is my interview! (Cue horror theme!) I've already decided on my references. Dr. Schultz, Dr. Kiernan and Dr. Rob. All of whom will write gleaming recommendations because they adore me. HAHAHA!

Once that was done, I talked to Jenny for FOREVER (about study abroad, how much we love Christy and Abbey Road!), went home and slept until 5. Then, grudgingly, I went to math.
For the sake of everyone, let me just say math class is always unbearable.

Now I'm at home and I'm going to read The Hunger Games, pray my side stops hurting, and hopefully sleep soon.

Though, I mean, no one REALLY cares what I did today. Of course.

I hope you're having a good week and that this weekend is even better!

Love,
Mella

p.s. I didn't cry today. Breaking the streak.

I NEED To Get Out!

Does anyone remember that post I did a few months ago? I went to the movies completely by myself for the first time on a Saturday? I was scared and my anxiety was awful, but I did it. I went and saw a movie all on my own and, afterwards, I was completely euphoric.

I felt like I'd just punched my social anxiety disorder straight in the face. It was a wonderful feeling.

But now, I'm complacent again. I rarely leave my house - let alone my room - unless it's for school.

I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything. Because my self esteem is so low. Whenever I leave, people mock me for being fat or ugly. Which isn't much different than home, but at least when I'm at home, I'm used to it. I'm used to people being hateful.

Regardless of this, I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I need to get out. I need to go away.

All my life the farthest I've ever been from my family has been an hour... and I was never that far from them. They were a call or a short car ride away.

But I need to get out of here now. I need to get out of this city because I don't want to be trapped here for the rest of my life. I don't want to be miserable and stuck in this town doing something I hate.

I need to get out of here and out of this state of mind.

I'm sick of being miserable.

I want to go somewhere. I want to be somewhere else. I want a new chance to be someone else. Here I'm just Melissa, Crystal's friend or Melissa, Christy's friend or Melissa, Meghan's friend.

I'm the friend in my own life. I'm never once the leading lady. In every film I've ever seen, I am generally (not always), the best friend. I'm the person who builds the main character up or has their back. And just for once I'd really like to be the leading lady.

I want to be beautiful and funny and witty and entertaining. Adventurous. Brave. I want to be all these things that I've never been.

I want to go to Europe. I want to see things. I don't want to be stuck here.

I'm so afraid and I'm tired of it.
I'm so depressed and I'm sick of it.

I just want to be happy.
I want to get out of here.
And, most importantly, I want to be the star of my own life.

So why can't I? What's stopping me?

The Things You Want Are Not Necessarily The Things You Can Have...

Do you know what I really want from my life? What I want more than anything? To be happy.

I want to be free of all my anxieties and miseries. I don't want to have to worry about being self conscious if I want to go out in public. I don't want to worry about being the ugly friend. I don't want to cry myself to sleep some nights because I just know I'm going to be alone forever. I don't want to look at my life and know I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life in a job I'm not even sure I want to do anymore.

I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life, but I don't see myself getting out.
I don't want to be alone forever, but I can't imagine there's a guy out there who will want me.
I don't want to be the ugly friend.
I don't want to cry myself to sleep.

I just want to be happy. Why can't I be happy?

No Day, But Today.

Today was a bit better than yesterday and the day before. I only cried once. Probably because I was distracted for the better part of the day/evening.

When I woke up, I dressed in clothes I don't particularly care about and when to meet Kali at Goggi's. After I had gotten her, we went to the house they're going to move to and she showed me around. We went for a quick walk in the woods before returning and getting started.

While we painted, we talked and complained about life and school. I got a wall and a half done and so did she. However, I must say I got less painted than she did because my OCD made me make sure I had every bit of the wall covered.

Afterwards, we went out to the swing (they have a swing) and just talked about movies and books that we'd seen or read or heard about.

Once we were done, we left and went back to her house where we laughed and mocked the people on Maury. "You ARE... NOT the father." I'm sorry, but if there's a chance that there's more than one possible father, you best believe I'm not going on Nat'l t.v.

Anyway, I came home after and took a shower. The paint came off easily, so that was good. Then I ate and read a little.

When I went to tackle my p.e. test, I decided I wanted to watch a movie so I watched Emma on Netflix. Then, when I was done with both the movie (which was suprisingly good) and the test, I wrote in my real diary, which I haven't done.

Since I've been thinking longingly of how much I'd like to find a man similar to John Green and/or Logan Echolls. :)

But really, I've already built up my fantasy man. I just wish he existed. Really, I wish any man existed who could look at me and think, "I need to get to know her."

Sadly, though, this is not the cause.

I didn't write that I was worthless in my diary again, by the way. Though I kind of didn't have to.

That's pretty much the entire summary of my day.

I meet with my advisor tomorrow to talk about my schedule. I hope everything goes smoothly, but there's always the chance that it won't.

Anyway. I hope you're all doing well and being happy even if I'm a total buzzkill.

Love,
Mella

I would very much like to stop crying.

It's Just Easier to Copy & Paste

Mella (7:49:55 PM): Mom just called and was a huge bitch.
Mella (7:51:28 PM): I am sick to death of her trying to make ME feel bad because she's a shoddy mother.
Mella (7:51:45 PM): She called my cell phone and I missed the call because it was on silent.
Mella (7:52:02 PM): So she called Papa and then told me I didn't love her because I didn't answer the phone.
Mella (7:52:09 PM): Then she told me I only cared about her when I wanted money.
Mella (7:52:30 PM): I do call her when I need something, but that's only because I'm down to my last hope.
Mella (7:52:36 PM): Because she never comes through.
Mella (7:52:37 PM): For anything. Ever.
Mella (7:52:51 PM): She's made me feel uncomfortable and inferior and worthless and not wanted my entire life. That's almost twenty three years of feeling like I don't matter.
Mella (7:52:58 PM): And she always goes and makes me feel like it's my fault.
Mella (7:53:02 PM): And that I should feel sorry for HER.
Mella (7:53:05 PM): Because she's the victim and I just treat her oh so badly.
Mella (7:53:08 PM): And I am sick to death of it.
Mella (7:53:58 PM): I want to run away.
Mella (7:54:14 PM): From all of them.
Mella (7:54:57 PM): GODDAMNIT.
Mella (7:54:58 PM): jsikdfhbsgbd
Mella (7:54:59 PM): jhbvgjplnjlokfvdej /p; fzg
Mella (7:55:53 PM): rejgfivdcfgxhrrhhgwihgjwprj;f;krvr,ihgw
Mella (7:56:02 PM): She always fucking does this.
Mella (7:56:04 PM): She hung up on me.
Mella (7:56:12 PM): And then sent me this huge text with grammatical errors a plenty.
Mella (7:56:22 PM): About how she's a failure and she cries herself to sleep because her daughter doesn't love her.
Mella (7:56:27 PM): And she's just doing the best she can.
Mella (7:56:29 PM): Fuck that.


And then she called and left a voice mail. She was crying and apologizing. Which is what she always does. I couldn't press 7 enough. 
And then there was another text, which I promptly deleted.
Just now, she texted me asking me to forgive her because she loves me. 


I am sick of this. Just absolutely fucking sick to death of feeling like no one wants me. 
I know it's not true because I have my friends (or, at least, I hope it's not), but it feels like it all the time. 


Last night I wrote in my diary "You're worthless and you always will be."  So now it'll always be there to remind me. Not like I need it. I mean, I'm surrounded with reminders every day. 

"It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart."

Can I just say how much this quote disappoints me?

I mean, as if I don't already mope about being forever alone ENOUGH, quotes like this have to exist.

"Beauty captures the attention."
Well that's GREAT, isn't it? Because I'm neither beautiful not worthy of anyone's attention.

Fantastic.
So that means that not only will I never be noticed, but because I'm never noticed, I'll never be loved.

Thank you, anonymous quote-sayer. I really appreciate your support - especially when that's how I already feel.

But, no, seriously, guys of the world, please continue to overlook me. That's okay. I'll come to terms with the fact sooner or later, but you have to STOP ignoring these beautiful girls right under your eyes.

Jenny, Christy, Meghan, Kali, they're all amazing, wonderful, beautiful girls and you're missing out. Seriously. So stop being such idiots. Even if they say they're fine without you and perfectly content with school/their career, they are WORTH the effort to try.

And girls? Sarah Hall is fantastic and you'd be lucky to have her.

Why can't you all realize that?

-Mella

Why Do I Cry So Much?

You know how people generally have some sort of a vice or addiction they turn to when they're upset? Well, aside from music, I think mine is crying. Seriously. I don't eat any more when I'm upset (in fact, I probably eat less), I don't abuse alcohol, I've never touched drugs, I don't resort to violence (self-inflicted or otherwise), I don't have copious amounts of sex... None of it. I just cry. Profusely.

And, I mean, I think that's healthy. That I cry as opposed to doing the other things. But it does get quite exhausting...

I bring this up - obviously - because I've been crying a lot lately. My moods are prone to swinging like monkeys from tree limbs and these past few weeks are no exceptions. Last night, for instance, I was perfectly fine... then when I went to lay down to sleep, I just started crying. There was no rhyme or reason to it... I just cried.

Today, I went out with Jesse. We had fun. (Though I have to admit, it's not as exciting as it once was. I used to be THRILLED when we hung out and now I'm just mostly bored. :/ This upsets me.) Meghan hung out with us after we saved her from family time and that was fun, too - especially when I ate that cupcake I shouldn't have eaten. 

After we took Meghan home, we went to Jesse's and I left.

Since I got home, I've been trying to finish reading The Sun Witch, which is the first book in a series of books about the Fyne sisters (who are witches.) It's proving very difficult to get through. It's not because the writing is bad (actually, considering the fact that it's supposed to be a "smutty novel," it's pretty good), but because I keep crying. I won't give away any of the details because, like I said, it's an okay book; however, there are several parts in this book that have made be cry. 

I'm not even half finished and I really just wish it were over so I could read the thousands of books I have left to read from Christmas (and books I've picked up since like The Hunger Games and Beastly.) 

Aside from that, I've been trying to put together my schedule for fall. I was going to take classes this summer, but as they do not offer psychology classes during the summer, I suppose I won't be doing that. 

Instead, I'll be going to class on MWF. But it's okay. At least I won't have any late classes. THANK GOD. 

Otherwise, I'm doing okay. I mean, I'm still feeling this hopeless sense of despair about my life, but when am I not? 

I hope you guys are having a good week and that your weekend is filled with great things. :)

Love,

Mella

It's Not Easy Being Green.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I thought that today, because it's St. Patrick's Day and I just finished my forth (of six) exam in Geology, I would attempt to do a Things I Love Thursday. I've been feeling REALLY down lately and I just need a pick me up. So, without further adieu, here is my tilt;

everything john green has ever written and will ever write | my nickname "mella" | when people you don't expect to say affectionate things, say affectionate things (i.e. when christy tells me she loves me or meghan says she misses me!) | turkey meat - especially in hamburger helper! it's delicious and so much better for you! | laughing late at night because i could never be a tattoo artist. ever. | angel - the television show. it is light years better than buffy based solely on the fact that buffy's not in it. also, wesley wyndam pryce. :) | going for walks and talking about the future | dreaming of living in a one room flat with my best friend - one with brick walls and no distinct rooms! above, like, a cafe or a bookstore! | the weather lately. it's been warm, but not overly so. it's really nice! | mumford and sons - every single song i listen to by them makes me fall even more in love with them | sweet potatoes; i cannot even tell you how much i adore eating sweet potatoes for dinner. they are absolutely delicious | characters like margo roth spiegelman and alaska young - i'm so envious of them. i wish i were more like them! | darren criss - seriously? need you even ask why? | FRIED RICE. | savannah, georgia - i wish i were there right now! | "strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty." | having friends & being one.

I'm sure there's a lot more that I'm currently loving, but I'm just too hungry thinking about the fried rice and potatoes that I can't focus on it right now! I hope you're all having a lovely St. Patrick's Day and that you stay safe!

Love,

Mella

Why Can't I Remember This?

Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine…If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be shocked…You are far more wonderful than you think you are… Rest with that. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine. More than fine. Better than fine. You’re doin’ great. So relax. And love yourself today.

 - Neal Donald Walsch 

I wish I felt like this more of the time, but sadly, I feel the exact opposite a lot of the time. I really need to stop being so selfish and introverted and start thinking about other people. :(

hufedjivdfrgf

I'm all gross and sweaty. 

Need shower.

Nice walk though.

Just Wondering.

Do you actually INTEND to make me feel like shit with everything you do or is it just a bonus? I'm only wondering.

When I Get In Moods Like This, I Shouldn't Blog...

I've been wondering a lot about myself tonight. Mainly I've been trying to figure out if I just know who I am really well and am ashamed to admit it or if I just have no clue who I really am so I can't ever say.

I mean, I have all these feelings... And sometimes I can be a really mean person because of them. I don't ever really mean to hurt anyone else, but sometimes when I'm miserable like this, I say things without thinking or try to be as vindictive as possible.

When I'm feeling scorned or ignored, I don't say "I love you." When I'm annoyed, I'll sign offline without saying goodbye or hang up. I let my emotions force my hand. I blame this on my family. They've ignored me and verbally abused me for so long I don't think I really know how to trust people or have a healthy relationship/friendship with anyone. 

I want so much attention. I want people to want me around and need me. I feel like that's bad and childish to want. I tell myself I'm stupid because I want so much affection/attention, but I still feel the same regardless.

I'm so ashamed of myself sometimes because of the way I feel. I'll feel neglected and ignored and act out. I'll blog and be passive aggressive. I don't like that.

But I don't know exactly what to do. I don't ever know how other people are really feeling deep down inside. So I don't know if I'm the only person who feels exactly how I feel. I think that I probably am so that makes me feel wrong or broken. I just assume everyone else feels differently...

I really do think too much. That, coupled with the fact that I cry at the slightest thing - including a bad haircut or a comment from my grandmother - is probably why I'll die old and alone. 

I'm sorry for this. I've just been feeling low all day and I don't really know another way to talk about it because my friends really deserve better than to hear my mope and pout all the time. 

I really need a better way to handle things instead of crying. I'm so childish. :(

Love,

Mella

p.s. I also feel like a bitch for thinking that since I would drop anything to help one of my best friends, the same should happen for me. I really am sorry. :/

More Things No One Cares About;

So, I had my first math class today. I was really worried I'd feel behind because I didn't take the prerequisite for the course. But after the first hour, I just kind of sat there with my jaw on the floor. These women had no idea what they were doing. We spent an hour on linear equations and plotting lines on a graph. I just... I cannot summon words to describe just how bored I was. It was ridiculous.

Aside from that, I've just finished season 2 of Buffy. I'm now starting on season 3. All I have to say right now regarding this is: 1. Don't make fun. I know Sarah Michelle Gellar sucks as an actress, but Giles, Willow, Oz, and Xander are great. Spike can be as well. 2. I'm excited to see Wesley. Though I've heard he's a mega douche. 3. I have no idea why I continue to watch it. It's like a train wreck, I guess. I'll continuously be pissed at how stupid a character Buffy is solely because I can't avert my eyes from the stupidity. Insane.

I really haven't done much else today. I skipped p.e. Mainly because I couldn't find my work-out pants, but also because I just really didn't feel like going. I sent her an email, but she hasn't replied. I went to Geology where I stumbled through the lab. That was not at all fun. But my teacher draped me in Mardi Gras beads. Then he told me I was really bright. :) Hopefully he'll continue to think so because I'd love Dean's List again~

Still speaking in the vein of school, I need to start preparing my schedule. I'll probably end up doing that at some point tonight or tomorrow. For some reason I'm feeling a need to be productive. I want to read or do my homework or study or just do something... It's crazy. I never feel that way. Procrastination thy name is always Melissa.

Outside of school, I have no life. I've just been thinking about Margo and Alaska and how much I want to be like them.

Really, that's it. My life in a nutshell. Sorry it's not more poetic or interesting. I'm hopelessly boring.

Love,
Mella

p.s. I really am considering minoring in either Sociology or Psychology. One requires 16 credits and the other requires 19. It'd set me back another semester, but I feel like it would be worth it. I just need to stop worrying about the future. Worry about NOW. And right now I want to do this.

I Wish I Had Better Things to Say...

It really is quite unfortunate to be boring. I mean that in the sense that I am a completely boring individual - not that everyone is.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about people. I've never really been the type of person to want to be someone else - regardless of how much I loathe myself at times. I've felt envious of physical aspects of people, but never anything else.

However, after reading John Green's books, I'm envious of characters like Alaska and Margo. I wish I were more like them. More interesting and adventurous. I'd like to be the type of person someone looks for, the type of girl who makes boys feel like Pudge and Q felt. And I really just don't ever feel like I'll make someone feel like that, which is more of a disappointment to me than how far behind I am in school.

Truthfully, Margo had it right. Our entire lives are spent trying to cultivate the future. We get so caught up in doing well in school to get into a good college. Then we have to do well in college to get a good job. Then we have to do well in our job to get a good house. Then we have to meet good people to have a good spouse. Then we have to raise a good family.

We spend our entire lives working towards a future that we might not even actually want.

Why do we do this? Why can't we just enjoy now? Because society has molded us into these worrywarts? Probably.

I just really wish I could appreciate now more. I wish I wasn't so worried about my future. I wish I was interesting and beautiful and not hopelessly boring.

Just one good time, you know?

Well. Anyway.

I hope you're staying dry in the rain.

Love,
Mella

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

So, I don't know how many of you know, but Perks of Being a Wallflower is my favorite book. Legitimately, I absolutely adore everything that book chooses to be.

Anyway, there's a part of this book when Charlie and his two friends, Patrick and Sam are in a truck and they're listening to the radio and after the song was over, Charlie tells them he feels infinite.

I never thought I'd know what that felt like. But last night, packed in Christy's tiny little truck and listening to all of us singing along to "Let It Be" by the Beatles, it finally made sense.

We had spend the day at Books a Million and people watching at the mall. It was so crowded and we, being antisocial, sat on a bench for the majority of our time spent there and just watched people. After a bit, we got our tickets and went to see Beastly. (As a side note, it is apparently necessary for all teenage girls to be obnoxious fucks during films. I wonder if I was THAT obnoxious, but I doubt it because I actually kept my phone in my purse where it belongs.)

The movie was good. I really enjoyed it, actually. But that's not why I'm blogging.

After it was over, we walked through the mall and out into the rain. When we reached Christy's truck, we piled in - with only minor difficulty. Then we set off.

We were listening to Christy's mix CD and singing along when we knew the words. Then the Beatles came on and we all sang. It was raining and it just felt... infinite.

I know that sounds weird and you probably think I'm stupid, but in that moment, I swear, we were infinite. It felt like a moment that wouldn't end. It was wonderful.

Love,
Mella

Blogging from Jacksonville

I don't exactly know where to start as I sit in Jenny's kitchen with Christy and Jenny. I'm just casually sitting at my keyboard as my fingers fly across the keyboard and I have stuff to talk about, but I'm not sure how to start. I suppose I could just start with "Yesterday I..." But eh. 

Christy and I spent yesterday making Jenny a huge card on a trifold board. Then we made her a cake. I was scared to sleep in the living room by myself - of course, so instead of going to sleep, I watched, like, five episodes of Coupling (which is a great show might I add.) 

The next morning, I woke up and hung out with Michelle for a bit before she left for work. Then Christy and I finished the card and got ready. 

Now we're at Jacksonville and Jenny has assured us she loved her gifts. (I got her the Covenant due to my NOSTALGIA post earlier.) 

Since we got here, we've pretty much been talking and eating pizzas. Oh, and there was the awkward moment where the three of us tried to fit in Christy's truck. That was an experience. Lol.

We also watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil because Jenny'd never seen it and, well, I adore Savannah. I want to go so badly.

Aside from all this happening, I've just been feeling really hopeless. I feel like I'm just perpetually stuck at this phase in my life and I'll never get out. I'll never do anything worthwhile. No one will ever love me or want me. I'm just... so worthless. :/ 

I really hope this goes away. :/

But it won't. Never for good.

Fuck.

Still. Hope you're having a good weekend.

Love,

Mella

Make a Joyful Noise!

I submitted my religion final half an hour ago. It took forever for me to finish it - especially with those bullshit questions, but finally, I got all three essays written out and submitted them. I am officially done with REL 104 and EDU 318 forever! (Unless I fail one. God, I hope I didn't. Praying for A's, gonna be okay with B's!) 

Anyway, I'm really excited now because it means I am finally able to relax and actually enjoy my spring break! I mean, I'm technically already half-way through the break, but I don't think it's a huge problem. I mean, after all, I only go to school two days a week, so it's not like I'm missing that much class.

I don't remember right now if I've told you how excited I am to only have three classes going into next week. I'll keep my PED 100 and GEO 125 and there will be a MAT 211 added to it, but otherwise, I'm totally free! That makes me so happy. I'll have much less work and I'll probably feel a lot less stressed. Though it does mean my Thursdays from 6-11 are gone. :/ 

I'll be fine though. 

In other news, I really hope March is a good month for me. I'm kind of scared it won't be. 

Anyway. I'll probably post again before we leave to see Jenny, but if I don't, have a great rest of the week! :)

Love,

Mella

Production Junction.

My function is trying to be productive today. I've been so stressed out for the past week that I haven't really been giving my all to anything - most especially  my school work. I've just felt so overwhelmed by everything that it's just really hard to buckle down and focus.

Having said that, I've done all of my work except my final exam for religion. Now, I'm going to finish reading the lessons before I start (because we have to have evidence from our lessons to prove or thesis.) It's going to take a while, but it's a three page paper exam, so it was bound to take me a while regardless.

I just hope that I do well enough that I make a B in the class. The teacher's really great, he has awesome lesson plans, and he's really laid back, but he's a pretty harsh grader. I'm just going to take a breath, start reading and hope for the best.

Hope you're having a great week,
Mella

p.s. Happy March.