Selfish.

I know I've spent very little time in the past month or so inquiring about my friends. I've been terribly self-concerned and I couldn't possibly hate myself more for it. I am so deeply sorry. I wish that I could just fix myself. I wish that I wasn't broken or ugly or fat. I wish I was somebody someone could love.

Because then I could just spend all my time worrying about you all and trying to make your lives as happy as I possibly can. But I get so strung up in my own misery.

I can't see my life being anything but being stuck in this town all by myself. I see all of my friends going off to do amazing things and meet amazing people and lead amazing lives... and occasionally they'll come back to tell me about it.

But me?

I'll be stuck here in this tiny town, miserable and alone.

There is no one on Earth who could possibly love me.

I believe in soul mates. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes you might not find them because they've settled (or you have), but they are out there and they've been spending their lives looking for you.

But I am the exception to this, as I am the exception to most good fortune.

I don't have a soul mate. I'm convinced of this.
I will never get to live the happily ever after.
I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I did have a soul mate and I found him.

I can't see anything outside how my life is.

And I just want to curl up in a ball and spend the rest of my life in that stupid little ball crying until I'm completely dehydrated.

I know that's depressing and I do apologize, but I've been crying myself to sleep over this for a month. Because no matter how hopeless I feel, I still cry and beg and pray and plead and hope...
Even though I know there's no sense in it... I can't help. The only thing worse than having hope is not having it and the hope I do have grows slimmer each day.

I'm sorry for this. I really am.

It's just rainy and I haven't slept yet and I'm just crying my eyes out.

I hope you guys are having a much better day.

Love,
Mella