Update (Before November is OFFICIALLY OVER)

So, I got to school an entire hour early, I pulled EDU 344 stuff out of my ass (and uploaded my recordings to live text - now only TWO things are due and I'm completely finished!)

Then I went to class and - oh my word - that lovely woman brought doughnuts and juice boxes! This fat ass right here automatically grabbed THE ONLY GRAPE JUICE BOX AND THE ONLY RED VELVET DOUGHNUT. Both of which were insanely delicious.

Afterwards, I went to the lab to work on my article... Ansley got us food. (Thank god, I was starving!)

THEN I presented my lesson plan.

Truth be told, I'm kind of pissed.

She "took me aside" to talk about it and ALL SHE DID WAS PRAISE ME.

I know this is a good thing, but at the same time... how can you spend all this time telling ME what a good job I did and tearing my classmates down? They worked HARDER THAN I DID! They deserve more credit than I and they damn sure don't need you looking down your nose at them. It pains me so deeply to see them cry just because you're unable to see what a terribly unspecific teacher you are. We went into this lesson plan BLIND. You can't blame us for messing up.

Anyway, after that was over, it was off to PED 230 and, honestly, just fuck that class.

Spending five hours listening to a teacher tell us how to play games... just is not my idea of useful.

Instead, I could've been home reading, which is all I seem to be doing lately. I burn through books like it's insane now. I just started Stardust last night and I'm less than 50 pages away from finishing! :)

I'm so excited to read the next book (which I have yet to decide on.)

But speaking of being excited, here are a few other things I am excited for:

1. Christy Michelle's birthday and our wonderful plans for this day. (Especially my gift. I am all things awesome in the world due to this gift.)

2. Going to McKay's and getting LOADS for books for SUPER cheap.

3. Being done with this semester (which will happen next Tuesday after my ONLY final.)

4. KIDNAPPING JENNY!

5. Christmas shopping. (Hey, I enjoy it. Especially when it's for those I love most!)

6. CHRISTMAS FOOD.

7. Sleeping in!

And, gosh, I'm sure there's a billion more things.

But that's all that comes to mind currently, so instead of wasting my could-be-reading time, I'll just bid you good night.

I hope your November was brilliant! Have an equally amazing Christmas.

(And remember, Christ Prewett, your PHONE told us that this December 31st, we must be together for something AWESOME to occur.)

Today

Today is going to be the longest day in the world for me.

I have to get to school early to try to prepare SOMETHING for my EDU 344 class.

Then I have to go to math and try to RESIST the teacher's insistence that I take the final to "better my grade," even though - since it's cumulative - I'll probably do worse on it than I did any of the other tests.

Then it's off to 344, where I hopefully have my audio fixed! (And the transcript! Shit!)

After this, I have two hours in which I have to do the following: upload things to livetext, prepare to teach my lesson plan, and study for my test at six.

Ugh. Then comes EDU 325. I hate this class... Not the people in it, but just the class overall.

Anyway, after I stumble through my lesson plan, I head over to the gym for PED 230... WHICH LASTS UNTIL 11PM.

Then I'll come home and die.

THUS IS MY DAY.

Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus...

I've been a dedicated (okay, semi-dedicated) blogger on this blog since August 28, 2009. That's over a year! Actually, that's pretty much EXACTLY one year and two months. Sweet! :)

I realize it's been a roller coaster with my emotions being what they are, but for my friends that read it (even if they just read it once in a blue moon), I appreciate you caring about what I have to say. Especially when you put up with my emo-whining about how miserable I am and la di da di da.

I really do TRY not to be this person, but - and I think it's time I tried to explain myself better - it doesn't work.

See, my emotions are capable of changing faster than a runway model. I can be perfectly happy one moment and then instantly - and for no reason - just become absolutely hopeless.

Some days I see myself getting married and having kids and being perfectly happy.

Some days I see myself marrying the first man I meet and being miserable/fighting with him every day of my life (much like my parents.)

Some days I see myself living out my entire life alone, watching all my friends fall in love and be happy...

And the last two REALLY get to me. Because all I really want is the first one... and I know that to achieve the first one I have to be someone who isn't me.

I have to be someone who is confident and happy and exciting and just... not me.

I'm the exact opposite of all those things 98% of the time. I can't meet people because when I leave my comfort zone, there's always someone to make fun of me. And, yes, I know, I could work out and diet and lose the weight, but that's not going to change my features, is it? It's not going to change how frizzy and hideous my hair is or how large my breasts are :/ It's not going to change the fact that 75% of the time, I can't breathe through my nose and I drop food all over my shirts...

I'm just not someone anyone would want. I have to completely change myself to attain attention and I don't want to because as much as I loathe myself, I don't see what's wrong with me.

Again, yes I'm fat and my hair is ugly and my breasts are too big (as my friends often remind me, not caring that it might ACTUALLY hurt my feelings by the way), but - aside from being boring (due to social anxieties) - I don't see much wrong with my personality.

I'm insecure and self conscious, but I'm a really good person most of the time. I'm loyal and I'd do almost anything for the people I love. I'm encouraging and sometimes funny. I think I have decent taste in music (and occasionally movies.) I make mistakes and I'm probably friends with some people I shouldn't be, but I think I'm not any worse than anyone else.

So why should I have to change to get people to notice me?

I don't understand...

And I know that my friends try to help by telling me I do have a great personality, I just have to go out and meet guys, and all that other encouraging friend-talk, but I have social anxieties. I don't like large groups of people and I really hate being out of my comfort zone.

I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life being shoved out of my bubble, but I don't want go there yet.

I think I've probably lost my way in this blog... But I think the point is the same. All I ever really wanted (and still want) is to be loved.

I wanted my mother to love me.

I wanted my father to love me.

I wanted my grandparents to love me.

I wanted the rest of my family to love me.

I wanted my friends to love me.

And I wanted a man to love me.

I want someone to think the sun shines out my ass. If Juno achieved this with that Bleaker kid, then why can't I? (Note: Because this is real life and not a movie staring Michael Cera, that's why.)

It's just... frustrating and upsetting.

God, I hope I get over it.

Good Morning, Blog

It's Sunday! (At least I think it is)

There's not really anything overly exciting about this day - aside from Post Secret being updated today - however, I'm going to use it as my overly belated Thanksgiving post (and to gush about how darling Tangled was.)

Batter up:

Things I Am Thankful For

• First, I am thankful for my life. I bitch and complain about it pretty much constantly. But the thought of death is terrifying. I prefer to be alive to experience all the good things... even if it means putting up with the bad.
• I am thankful for having a home. It may not be filled with all the love I could want, but it's a place to lay my head - a place to feel safe. And I am thankful for it.
• I am thankful for knowing what I want in life, even if they all seem impossible to achieve right now.
• I am thankful for having things like a computer, an ipod, a cell phone, a car, and other things I take for granted every day.
• I am thankful for nourishment.
• I am thankful for my family, in spite of how angry and sad they make me.
• I am thankful for my good memories and even the bad a little, too. They make the good ones seem all the more sweeter.
• I am thankful for Harry Potter. I grew up with him and I cannot imagine my childhood without him, Ron, and Hermione. :)
• I am thankful for my health and the health of those I love. I complain about having dry skin, fat feet, being chubby, poor eyesight and etc, but atleast I'm healthy.
• I am thankful for people who go out and do good in the world.
• I am thankful for music, movies, and books that keep me sane and help me keep my faith in the world and in love.
• But most importantly I am truly thankful for those who love me. My friends. The people who throw me parties and stand outside my window in the freezing cold. I love you guys.

Now that that's done...

I must say that Tangled was a cute movie.

I've always been kind of sad that the only princess I could "claim" was Aurora who I, of course, thought was a moron (Talking to strangers and animals, touching something someone told her not to, an inability to be anything other than beautiful.) It was childish of me, but I wanted Rapunzel to be a Princess I could relate to and LO and behold, Disney pulled through for me.

She was clumsy, spastic, trust worthy, a bit crazy, and, well, pretty awesome.

So, you know, there's that. :)

Aside from how great this movie is, I'm highly disappointed with Disney.

Apparently this is the last fairy-tale movie they'll be making because five and six year olds prefer to think of themselves as "hot" rather than as princesses.

So, you know, Disney's headed in a more Playboy direction and forsaking the good old princesses like Belle and Mulan.

Asshats.

I really hope Disney suffers for this idiocy. I can promise I won't be watching any of their films (or probably their tv shows though this is no great stretch as I never watch tv) until they come to their senses.

ANNNNNNNND that's really all I've got.

I'm sleepy anyway.

Au revoir!

p.s. I gave up on NaNoWriMo, but I've started writing something else. About sisters~ :D Wish me luck!

Just saying...

Not like I would know... But I WANT TO GO! :'(

Guilt.

I feel really bad that I never write in my journal. I mean, I write in it when I've got time/something exciting happens, but generally it just sits all forlorn on my dresser.

But it should know me by now. Nothing exciting happens in my life. Not really.

I mean, there's the occasional fluke where something occurs... but generally, I have no life.

It's because I suck, but whatever.

THIS LESSON PLAN IS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME.

No, seriously, I've worked my ass off trying to think of a way to do what she fucking wants of me, but I still haven't done it.

It's shit and I have nothing good to turn in tomorrow.

I'm so pissed. Mostly at her for being an unhelpful bitch.

JSEISDJFSDJFSDJHFIJS.

INTENSE ANGER.

:(

So, today in PE we talked about being fat.

Now I'm no stranger to the truth that I am fat. I'm actually more aware of it than people realize. I hate it and I hate myself for not doing enough to fix it.

I'm unmotivated because everyone tells me I can't.

I need someone to tell me I can.

Because my BMI is in the obese range.

I need to lose 100 pounds to be healthy.

Not joking.

Someone help me?

Open foot, insert mouth.

Well, I'd spent all day Friday complaining about how awful my life was because my birthday sucked. Then I ran hither and thither before ultimately making my way to Rome to hang out with Meghan.

This is the point in the story where I, Melissa, admit to being a moron.

Meghan and I met at Barnes and Noble and she, being the minx she is, tricked me into believing it was an ordinary day.

I climbed into her matrix (no pills involved - haha!) and we headed off to her house. I told her how awful my birthday was and just complained utterly about everything - as I am prone to do...

When we arrived, I went in said hello to her parents and followed her upstairs... After this, she went back downstairs before calling me down as well. Then, we headed into the basement under the premise that we would be assisting her brother.

However... her brother was not downstairs. Instead, two of my best friends were waiting for me.

I could've cried. But, I held it together.

I called Jenny a liar and hugged them all.

Those three girls planned a surprise party and I felt like an ungrateful git.

Since that party, all I've been able to think about is how TRULY blessed I am to have them in my life.

They really do love me and went to great feats (such as driving to Alabama, lying to me, making me CAKES from Harry Potter, putting up with my singing, and watching Frasier) to insure I had a happy birthday weekend.

That's love.

I just... I can't ever fully convey just how much I love them and appreciate them, but I want them to know if they stumble across this blog... that I truly do love them like sisters and I want all the best for them because they deserve it.

They deserve to be happy because they are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, awkward people who made friends with an equally awkward girl like me.

I love you all very much, please don't forget that.

As if anyone cares...

So, some of you (aka: does anyone even bother anymore?) may've noticed that my birthday was Thursday.

It was utter shit and I don't want to dwell on it or remember it. I'll just pout and whine like a four year old whose lollipop was snatched from her before she could even begin to enjoy it.

However, yesterday was quite wonderful.

I went out to the school, little people sang Happy Birthday to me and gave me lots of hugs... Then I came home and watched stupid movies with Crystal... After she left, I played HORSE with Haley (which was actually pretty fun - go figure!)

Once I had won (haha!) that game, we goofed off for a bit before I went to hurriedly shower... Then, I panicked. I was meeting my friend Laurel at Starbucks (where I only had a vague idea of where it was) and it would be the first time we'd ever officially met.

So, I called upon Haley. We're really the only "sisters" we've got... so I'm trying to be a better one for her. Anyway, she came and brushed my hair... then attempted to fix it for me... It was cute.

After she had left, I had to take it down (as this hairstyle is only cute on small children) and figure out something to do with it on my own... but the fact that she tried to help was much appreciated. :)

THENNNNNNNNNN IT WAS OFF TO CARTERSVILLE!

I was sitting in my car at Starbucks for a bit, texting Jenny... when I see someone outside my window and I freak out! It's LAUREL!

We met and she had my present (which was FANTASTICALLY AMAZING and HOMEMADE!) I adored it and I adore her. She was wonderful and she bought me dinner (which I actually feel really guilty for, but I didn't mention it because I didn't want to be THAT GIRL.)

Then we went back to chez Laurel for our write in.

I got 600 words written, but that doesn't matter.

It was fantastic.

I had so much fun and I hope we hang out again.

:D