A Little Update.

So, I took my GEO test. I made a 100. Then the jackass marked me absent. How is that even possible? I mean, he'd JUST graded my test and then he counted me absent? What the hell?

Whatever.

I also learned today was my last day of class for BOTH of my classes. So I just have my two finals and I'm done for the summer. Woohoo.

I walked today. It was nice. I'm going to try to stay motivated. Maybe if I lose weight I'll hate myself less.

Maybe. But probably not.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well.

Love,
Mella

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday.

I really hope you guys read that the way I did. "Wed-nes-day." :)

Anyway, I'm still super tired from staying up late and not getting enough sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning, so I'm just kind of  sdijfsdfujsdifsdif right now.

However, Christy's just informed me she's going to plan out the rest of my life so, you know, that's some stress off MY back. Because I've been super frightened about that lately.

Otherwise, I've got to do a stress assessment for P.E. and study for my last geo test before my final. Hopefully I'll pull A's in both of the classes and end up with a 4.0 for the semester.

Though I generally am in a bad mood most days (due to depressing thoughts, self loathing, fears, and etc.), I do hope you're having good days and I do send good thoughts your way if you're reading this.

Love,

Mella

The Little Mermaid.

I swear, I learned how to flirt from this movie. I watched it over and over when I was little. Between it and Beauty and the Beast, I don't ever recall watching much else. Haha!

But I think that's why I'm incapable of flirting. Because Ariel is bashful. You know, due to the fact that she can't talk. While in reality, we're expected to talk.

How does that even work?

Love,
Mella

WHY IS IT SO HOT?

I thought Spring was supposed to be kind of cool. Like the transition period between freaking cold and fucking hot.

But, alas, this is Global-Warmed-Up Georgia and there are no longer things like Fall or Spring. There is PRE-SUMMER with occasional blooming flowers and PRE-WINTER with occasionally falling leaves.

FUCK.

But, yeah, so I haven't don't much since I last blogged. With the exception of me walking two miles. Woohoo. I almost died the first time I did it because I did it without stopping. The second time I did it, I stopped half-way in and hated myself less.

Then I showered and felt amazing.

Yay me.

Thus is my life.

Love,
Mella

Negativity, Thy Name is Melissa.

I really wish that someone could just look me in the eye and tell me all the things I feel about myself aren't true. I wish they could make me believe that I'm not this disgusting, terrible person I think I am.

I wish someone would write lovely things about me so I could keep them forever.

But most of all, I wish I didn't need other people to determine my own worth.

I found this and I cried.

Read these words and look at yourself in a mirror.
If you have extra weight on you, grab onto it. Pull on your hips. Hold your chest. Feel every indentation on your thighs. Imagine this. The person you’re going to marry, right now, is imagining grabbing onto you like that when you make love for the first time. Wrap your arms around yourself. Feel every roll, every bump, every crack, and every hair. Your future husband or wife can’t wait to feel that like you can. Your hips are amazing. Your thighs are beautiful. Your hair looks amazing today. If your belly shakes when you walk down the stairs, poke at it and smile. Look at yourself in the shower. Cry if you need to. Let it all out. but at the end of that shower, imagine how bad someone is aching to shower with you right now.

If your relationship isn’t going as planned. for whatever reason, take a step back and look at the big picture. Is this person worth the anxiety? Is this person worth the tears streaming down your face right now? How many times have you felt that pit in your stomach? How much do youlove them? How much do they love you? How many times are you going to fight before you decide what’s best for you? and yes, YOU. Not them.You. because no matter what, one thing I learned over time is that, the only person you have for the rest of your life is yourself. And if that person is your soul mate, it will work itself out. I promise.

If you don’t have a smile on your face right now, for whatever reason, just keep in mind that you are so special. You are so fucking special. If it’s trouble in your family, fuck those people. Make your own family in the hearts of your best friends. If it’s your friends, fuck those people. Because that’s all they are. They’re people. just like you. Make new friends. make better friends that respect you and respect your heart. If you’re anxious, write down a list of everything you have that you’re thankful for. Every little thing. Write about your dog, write about music, write about roller coasters and how much you love/hate them, describe the best thing you’ve ever had to eat, write down your favorite color and explain why, call him, call her, talk to someone. Talk until you can’t breathe anymore. Write your name down. Write it big. Make it loud. Tear it up or hang it up above your bed. Value yourself. because this is what you’re living with. and you are beautiful.

-

I want to feel like this. 

Hello, today.

Mella: I just want to pull a Beast and destroy all the mirrors.
Mella: And all my pictures.
Christy: Don't say that.
Mella: And then live in solitude.
Mella: Forever.

Why am I so hideous?

People Who Cry As Much As Me Must Be 100% Toxin Free.

So, today wasn't the best day to start out with. It was storming outrageously bad last night. Lightning was right outside my window and the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down so hard I felt like I was suffocating. Then there was the fact that the house kept creaking. I couldn't sleep at all, so I stayed up, terrified.

When I finally went to sleep, it was uneasy...

Then I went to class and did all that and though I should be happy because it's my only day of school this week, I'm actually really upset.

My mom no longer has a job. I just found out today. I don't know whether they fired her or she quit, but, regardless, she's unemployed.

I asked my grandmother, calmly, why she hadn't told me.
She replied that I "would've stormed off in a huff because that's what I do."
It is not. I didn't even react to it. I just kind of shrugged it off.

Then she started telling me that I had no right to be mad at her for it, even though I'm not MAD at her. Then she told me that my dad was just as worthless as she was, which is a real sore spot for me.

My dad has done more for me than my mother ever did. Yes, he's made mistakes and, yes, he gets into tight spots and is a little selfish, but he has always tried his best to take care of me.
My "mother" stayed away from me as much as possible - except when around people who could see her. She never told me she loved me unless she'd just previously been yelling at me. She always felt her friends were more important than her family. She always spent her money on those friends, meaning we had no money. Which meant my grandparents had to buy me everything I really needed. And then she left when I was a senior. She left my father and I for another woman. I was unbelievably pissed. How could she do that to us?
Dad was broken. I literally had to start taking care of him. He was sad and helpless and it killed me to see him like that. He cried and I've never actually seen my dad cry but maybe twice.
So the two of us went through my senior year and toughed it out as much as we could. He helped me go to Savannah for graduation and then we tried to get everything situated to go to Berry, where I'd been wanting to go since I was 7. After a few loans and a talk with my grandparents, move in day was there. I cried when he left me because I'd never actually been away from him for a very long time.
Freshman year was both a blessing and a curse. My mother kept making life difficult for me. I cried from the stress of it. She would lie to me about dad and try to make me feel awful. Then my grandparents started taking up for her.
When I finally finished, I moved in with my aunt (my dad's sister) and the three of us lived pretty peacefully.

Over the last few years, things have been a roller coaster. We're either pretty good or we're terrible. There's really no in between.

But this argument that I've just had with Nana and the phone call I just had with dad made me wish I could go back to when it was just him and me. We took care of each other. I didn't have to answer ridiculous questions. He never made me feel inferior. He always told me he was proud of me. He gave me freedoms.

My entire life - where my family's concerned - has been this awful whirlwind of suck. And even when my dad sucks, he's still better than most of my other family. It pisses me off to hear them talk about him like that. It's the surest way to set me off.

Anyway, I'm sorry I spent all this time telling you my life story. I'm just upset and I want to leave and go somewhere for a while, but I can't. I have no way to go and no funds with which to do it. So I'm stuck here. In my bedroom. Where I stay 90% of the time.

I never go out and do anything. I leave this house maybe 3 - 4 times a month (outside of school.) It's like a prison and I'm really sick of it.

Love,
Mella

The Hanging Tree

I haven't done much of anything today. I woke up, ate breakfast, piddled around, read a little, made my video for today, piddled around some more, read a little, texted a few people, listened to music, ate dinner, read a little and listened to some more music.

But in all of this, I managed to find a song that gives me chills.

Even if you haven't read The Hunger Games, I think you can appreciate this song for all its' eerie beauty.

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
where they strung up a man they say murdered three
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
Where I told you to run so we'd both be free
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Are you, are you
coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope side by side with me
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree

Anyway, I felt you guys would appreciate that, but I'm going to go read and try not to fall asleep. I've been doing that quite frequently lately and I just shouldn't. I need to sleep in more.

Love,

Mella

A Few Things About Today;

First of all, I have started to vlog. This is completely unnecessary due to the fact that I have both a diary and a blog to express my feelings, but that's beside the point. I've decided to start so that when Christy goes to London, if I am unable to visit, we'll still be able to keep up with one another. :)

Here's the video from today (in case you're interest):

Aside from that, I went and officially withdrew from my math class. I feel better, but still nervous. Mostly anxious... in a good way.

The only other thing I have to talk about is how sick to death I am of being treated like a child. Either they need to let me be this immature little kid they treat me like or they need to treat me like the adult they expect me to be. They can't have both.

Like, I know that I missed the whole concerned parent years and that whole chestnut, but don't boss me around like I'm 13. My room isn't messy and you can't tell me what I'm going to do with my life. I make that decision.

Love,
Mella