This is me, irrevocably.

Never in my life have I ever read anything that hit the nail on my head more dead-on than this.

I'm Not Okay, I Promise.

I'll be okay eventually. I'm just... not right now.

It's not anyone's fault but mine.

I'm so used to how my family treats me I'm unaccustomed to things like unconditional love and just doing things because you love someone.

Generally, you only do something because you expect something in return.

Which is why I don't like to let anyone do anything for me. I don't like to feel indebted. I'd prefer to pay for someone else and assure them I don't expect anything in return.

Grr. I just... I have so much bottled up and it's hard to get it all out when I have no idea how to.

I just wish I could be someone else sometimes. Someone worthy or capable of something awesome.

But I guess, for now, I'll just settle for being plain old boring Melissa. And hope that someone, somewhere will eventually be willing to say to me the following:

"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well don't worry... I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." - Charlie Brown, to Snoopy

Suprising, I Know.

Sometimes I just don't want to talk. Silence is golden. Okay? Okay.

I am Sick and I am Tired.

I am sick. And I am tired. I am sick and tired of being unappreciated.

I don't feel like this is "selfish" of me to say. I am entirely underappreciated. I do and do and do for so many people in my life. And what do I get? I get told it was my duty. Either that or there's something else for me to do immediately after.

Is it so hard to say "thank you?" Am I such an untouchable that I can't even get an "I love you"?

Noone in my family ever says "I love you." Except my Mama. The same woman who spend almost two decades of my life ignoring me for anyone else. Not my grandmother, not my uncle, not my aunt, not my grandfather, not anyone. And if your family can't love you, then noone can, right?

But what's so wrong with me? All I've ever tried to do is make them proud of me. Just to get one "good job." I've even dressed up in hopes of hearing a compliment. Even a "you look cute today." But nothing. It's always nothing. I don't see why I even try.

It's disappointment after disappointment.

And even when my friends do understand, it's not their place to pet me. It's not their fault I'm a complete and total fuck up. It's not their fault I'm a bottom-dweller. It's not their fault I don't know *how* to smile or be happy.

But even still, I expect more out of them. I want to know they love me. I want to know they give a shit. And everytime they forget, I freak out and cry because all I do is cry. I take the smallest things and make them huge. One false move and noone loves me. I hate it. But I do it. Especially when it comes to my best friend.

I hate how I feel. But I feel like I need to be someone's number one. I'm everyone else's last place. When am I gonna get the gold? What do I need to do? I'll do anything.

Donate a lobe of my liver? You got it.
Give blood? You got it.
Money? Okay. I'll give as much as I've got.

Just please. C'mon. Someone love me.

Wrong Side of the Bed

Yeah, I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. At 9:30. Because, you know, my life is not my own and I'm supposed to soldier up to my cousin's to do his work for him because "he's busy."

But, hey, there's a thunderstorm and now they've changed their mind. Now Friday morning is mine to spend as I wish (which would be sleeping) and they're probably going to try to rob me of Saturday or Sunday or something. At which point I might be forced to kill them.

I had a dream last night... (It's okay because I've been eating.)

In this dream,

I was trying to get out of my grandparent's house. I kept trying anything. Like, I tried to sneak out at 3 AM, but they were still up. And randomly my cousins and my aunt and uncle were there. So, I was just trapped. Trapped in this house for the rest of my life. Hello metaphor for my actual life.

So then they decide the next day we're going to go to an Aquarium. So, they wake me up at 7 AM. We don't leave until 9. When we get there, I run for it. I'm out of there. And I find my friends. But they either actually don't know me or just don't care to because they push me against the glass wall of the shark tank. And I fall to the floor and cry. Because, let's be honest, that's what I do.

Anyway, for the rest of the dream, I'm pretty much the Phantom of the Aquarium except, you know, not hot like Gerard Butler and not a total creeper. I find it incredibly ironic that I stay in an Aquarium because, hey, this place probably has some form of whale. But apparently I prefer it to my grandmother's house. Especially since all of my friends hate me.

I'm not sure what my subconcious is trying to tell me other than that I'm going to go completely mad (and not the good kind) if I stay here much longer. Perhaps it's trying to tell me I really have no friends? Who knows?

Whatever it's trying to tell me, it can attempt one more time because I'm going the eff back to sleep. Thank you, thunderstorm.

Sometimes Family Isn't Blood.

"When I say "I love you"... it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, and how you try... I've seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." - Joss Whedon

Since When Am I Retarded?

I would like to know at exactly which point in my life I became either deaf, mute, or retarded. Because, apparently, my family is under the impression I am.

"You'll come to our house at 10 am to do his essay."
"Remember, 10 am."
"Don't forget to do a good job."
"Wake him up when you're done."

Excuse me, am I not my own person?

Apparently not. I'm pretty expendable.

Forget how my grades suffer. Forget how stressed out I am.

Forget the fact that I cry because my family doesn't love me.

I'll just come when you ring your bell. Don't worry about what I've got planned.

If your shoes need cleaning, I'll get my own personal toothbrush.
If you need your floors mopped, I'll lick them clean myself.

Because, hey, my own purpose in life is to serve you, family.

I just hope you realize as soon as I'm out of here, I'm never seeing you ever again.

Fuck you, you assholes.

For the Next Time We Play Cranium...

Hey hey, we're the Monkees. And people say we monkey around. :)

Learn it. Love it.

Things I Love Thursday: Hey Soul Sister!

I cannot convey to you in words how good this night was. On the other hand, I do wish this night could've happened with a bit less vodka. Haha. Isn't that fantastic? That I freely admitted to updating this blog when I'm still tipsy?

Fantastic.

But I'm fairly sober. I am still able to correlate words and come up with appropriate sentences.

So, for the reason that I am fighting to stay sober, this list will be short. I hope you don't think badly of me because of this.

Here it is, loves:

hey soul sister by train; cranapple juice + vodka; long, heartfelt talks with your best friend in a cold-ass bathtub (even when they accidently turn the water on and your pants get wet); cranium - especially the green cards; knowing you're loved; having faith in people; people having faith in you; admitting things you've always wanted to; eric bana; watching movies from when i'm young; when *you* play with my hair; having a good cry; spring break; not having your family tell you what to do; being loved...

And that's all I've got right now.


:) I'll try to update more. :)


Love you, Mella

Things I Love Thursday: Almost Spring Break Edition.

A very merry TILT to you, my good madamoiselles and monseuirs. I'm having to grasp for things to love right now due to massive stress about my three midterms tomorrow and the fact that I'm going to get a negative amount of sleep tonight. (If you hadn't noticed by the time.) But, to prove to myself I can still find happiness in the day, here you go:

the official avatar script (found here) - it's so much better than the movie, though the movie is all sorts of epic win; knowing spring break is just one day away (minus student observation); i know it's been on my TILT before, but i love, love, love when people play with my hair. you can pretty much get me to do anything - no foolin'; sleeping in on weekdays and getting snow days; "how you coming on that novel you've been working on....? for three years now? huh?" - that quote from family guy = love. stewie's voice keeps getting higher and higher; raspberry long island iced tea - most delicious alcoholic beverage ever; anything covered in honey barbeque sauce; knowing people miss you; not having breakouts; kitkats; emeralds; writing an amas veritas and having hope that one day you'll meet him and he'll be everything you've ever wanted and always deserved; savannah, georgia - i want to go there so badly i cannot express to you my disappointment i'm still in calhoun; comfy jammies.

i'm sure there's more to love... but i've just not got the energy. wish me luck for tomorrow. i'll need it.