Letters to Melissa

Letter to Melissa, age 9

Dear me,

Hey! Look at you, you're in third grade now! Can you believe it? Don't worry about tests. You're a smart girl and you'll pass all of them. And when you break your arm, you'll be fine. Mrs. McAfee is super nice and she'll let you write sloppy with your left hand. Oh, and you know when you get mad at Stacey for liking Gavin, too? That's okay. She's actually not that great of a friend anyway. You should hang out with Kitty more. She's really nice and, trust me, she needs a friend. There's really nothing else to warn you about... except... Well, you know how a lot of the times mama isn't there? Well, she's out with her friends. You don't understand now, but she thinks they're pretty important. Don't be upset and please don't spend your time crying. It's not your fault. You're lovely. Just don't follow her lead, okay? Friends don't have to be bought and they are certainly not more important than your kids. Have a great year, okay?

Love,

Melissa, 21

Letter to Melissa, age 13

Dear me,

You're in 7th grade! And wow, can you believe how different things are? You have lots of new friends (some that you'll keep for a while!) and you're still just as great. There's really only two things I need to tell you. First of all, don't be sad when Stacey leaves to live with her dad. She's bad news bears. She won't miss you and you certainly shouldn't miss her. Next... that night when your mom hits your dad... and they get into a huge fight. You're right to call your papa. But this time, make sure you go with them when they come to get you. Don't feel pressured by the things your mom and dad tell you when they're fighting. Neither of them are right. Both of them are stupid. It's not your fault. It's never your fault, okay? I think if you accept this now, things might go better for you later on. Just spend time with your friends when you can. Be a good person as often as you can and don't ever forget you're lovely.

Love,

Melissa, 21

A letter to Melissa, age 17

Dear me,

Senior year! You're going to graduate! That's awesome! It's going to be a good year, too! I can tell you that much! Prom might suck, but you'll look gorgeous on graduation day. You'll have a close knit group of friends and your acceptance letter from Berry will be one of the happiest days of your life. I know how stressed out you'll be about paying for Berry, but you must go. You will meet the most amazing people of your life. You'll spend time with them. But remember two things while you're there: 1. Take your socks off and 2. Don't neglect your other friends. Aside from that, I promise you, Berry will change your life. On the other than, life before Berry will be rough. You'll get close to graduating and then a bomb will drop. Your parents are going to get a divorce. And I really wish there was something I could do to prepare you for what'll happen... but there's nothing. Just... be a good person. I know you hate your mom, but you'll make some dumb decisions too. I know you love your dad, too... but he needs to be strong. He can't expect you to shoulder everything. It's so much to throw at you at such a young age... and I wish there was something I could do... But just know that when you get to Berry, the people you meet will take all the suck in your life and try to help you. I promise. Just stay strong and don't linger on suicidal thoughts. You'll miss out on some good things.

Love,

Melissa

A letter to Melissa, age 21

Dear me,

I'm sorry it feels like no one cares.

I'm sorry it hurts to be a part of your family.

I'm sorry that you cry so often.

I wish I could stop it.

Love,

me

The Truth.

Sometimes, people ask me why I'm so overzealous about taking pictures.

Why do I constantly blind people with flashes?

The truth is... I like to take photos of moments I want to remember.

I like to have those pictures to remind me that at least for that moment those people wanted to be with me - just for one moment, I was loved.

I have so few photos like this of when I was younger that it's hard to imagine my family loved me very much.

So now, at a much older age, I take the initiative myself and take photographs every chance I get.

For every laugh, every hug, and every stupid face.

Because they mean something to me.

They mean "I am loved."

Even if the time period was a short one.

Things I Love... Thursday :D

Things I Love Thursday

What a week! Awesome plans I had made fell through, plans that didn't fall through didn't live up to my expectations, and school was a yawn. However, in spite of this kind of blah week, I've still managed to find a few things to be incredibly thankful for. And here they are:

road trips with best friends and good music | best friend

s plotting things behind your back in preparation for my birthday | wanting really simple things for your life | how supportive the teachers at reinhardt are - particularly my EDU 344 teacher | getting to craft a lesson plan on one of my favorite subjects (though i assume it'll be a pain in the ASS!) | being able to talk to my best friends on messengers even when we're not so close | my new, cute outfit! (pictured below - mainly to piss christy off :D) | not having to drive to school until 10 - the weather is perfect! | baking cupcakes with friends! | project runway! i love mondo, april, valerie, and chris the most. but definitely mondo and april! | having people be proud of me! | feeling accomplished and proud of myself - hey, i earned that A! | rupert grint, obviously | dreaming of going to london | a kiss with a fist by florence + the machine | positive encouragement! | good, dramatic dreams | planning the perfect date - even if you don't think it's plausible | the color yellow. i'm really digging on it right now. not sure why. | the idea i have for a story that i have yet to craft and fine-tune | my papa :)

That's really all I'm loving this week. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things, but we know how I am!

XO

Ok, ok, ok, let's get a few things straight...

Random facts:

• I cannot concentrate on homework in a home environment. I simply can't. I get nothing done. :/
• Kiss With a Fist is probably my current favorite song. This comes from it being my most played song in iTunes over the course of the last week.
• I am so confused by Reinhardt teachers. Berry and Kennesaw teachers were like, "What the fuck is this? What the fuck is that?" Reinhardt teachers are like, "MY GOD! This is so brilliant, it's like Jesus himself wrote this paper." - Not that I mind, obviously. I like the praise. :)
• I love showering, but I hate afterwards. I'm too lazy to want to brush my hair and dress and get ready for the real world. :/
• I HATE IT WHEN MY ROOM IS A MESS. AND IT IS A MESS NOW. THIS IS WHAT DOING HOMEWORK DOES TO ME.
• I don't actually like to write in capital letters, but when I am frustrated, there you are...
• Who loves orange soda? Well, on occasion, I enjoy it.
• I made my bed. My room looks better now. But this article still needs to be punched in the face.
• I'm going back to fifth grade on Monday.
• I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year.
• But I don't like the suspicious planning. :P
• I tweet too much about nothing.
• Agendas and due dates are too hard to keep up with. I'm forgetful!
• sdjfbujsdifok
• Avatar. Thursday.
• JSU. Friday.

Done.

Ohmygod, Harpy, SHUT UP.

I love you, but you need to back the fuck up.

I woke up five minutes ago.

Don't be talking at me about warm oatmeal and how I have to get up and eat it while it's warm.

I might want to eat cold oatmeal.

And even if I don't, what's the big fucking deal?

I put it back in the microwave: Presto! It's warm again.

Shut up.

Leave me alone right now.

Seriously.

[Edit: An hour later.]

Harpy, I have a routine.

I leave here quarter-after so I don't have to sit at school for seventy hours waiting on class.

Don't mess with it.

And stop acting like an angsty teenager because you didn't get to yell at me because I'm not dressed.

You'll get over the fact that I've got my ducks in a row. :P

Because Jenny Asked For It...

I hate doing this. Especially when I should be sleeping... but since I asked for it (haha. Jenny's the other me!), I suppose I'll do it.

Here's my wish list for my birthday:

1. Rupert Grint
2. Kia Rio 5 in Ice Blue
3. New Laptop
4. All A's
5. A cake like Hagrid made for Harry :)
6. Lots of hugs and happy thoughts
7. "You look beautiful"s
8. Hanging out with my five favorite people (or did I count wrong?)
9. A scrapbook I don't have to make~
10. A trip to London - lol
11. My Deathly Hallows tattoo (which I am scared shitless to get, obviously)
12. Good music for my iPod
13. Promises from my friends that they will never find better friends and leave me
14. TO FINALLY KNOW WHAT CHRISTY HAS PLANNED.
15. Inception DVD, assuming it is out by then
16. Kareoke at a party? If I have one...
17. Someone to take lots of pictures, but only keep the ones we all look good in
18. A collage of all my favorite things... Like maybe as one big, huge birthday card?
19. A boyfriend (particularly #1)
20. A really delicious birthday meal of all my favorites
21. Caramel Bailey's - not from a shoe though
22. TO LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

Like, seriously... I'm grasping for things to want.

I'm really simple to please.

Hand me a cupcake. Give me a hug. Tell me you love me and I'm the happiest kid on Earth.

Grr.

I can't hang out with my friends.

I can't write.

I can't stop listening to angry songs.

Hello, today's perpetual bad mood.

p.s. I'm 17 again. This is pretty much the shit I blogged about when I was in 11th grade. HA.

Oh no, Harpy, you're absolutely right. I don't EVER think.

I don't think about anything.

I'm never stressed out of my mind.

I just flounce around demanding things all the time. La la la.

I don't worry about my massive debt.

I don't care about the fact that neither of my parents seem to give a damn about me anymore.

I don't worry about something happening to you and Papa (even though you're a right bitch 99.9% of the time.)

I don't worry about what'll happen to me when you guys are gone.

I don't constantly live in fear of something awful happening.

I don't worry about finances.

I don't worry about my health.

I don't worry about the fact that, sometimes, it just seems a little to easy to plan out my own death.

I don't secretly think about what my suicide notes would entail.

I don't worry that my friends are the only people who would genuinely care if I ever DID kill myself.

I don't worry that sometimes even they don't care.

I don't worry about my dad.

I don't cry every time my mom gets my hopes up that she's going to be a good mother and then she doesn't.

I don't cry when I think about how there are families out there who genuinely love each other and that mine is not one of those families.

I don't look in the mirror and instantly hate what I see there because of anything you've said or because of the fact that no one's ever told me I was beautiful.

I don't feel completely worthless at everything because no one wanted to take care of me when I was growing up.

I don't cry when I think about the fact that my only friends growing up were my television and computer.

Actually, I've NEVER cried. IN MY LIFE.

No. I'm just fucking happy all the damn time.

I'm just miss-fucking-smiles-a-lot.

I have not a care in the world.

I think money grows on trees.

I think everyone I love loves me back.

I think everything goes my way.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

GOOD FOR YOU.

FOUR FOR YOU, HARPY BITCH. YOU GO HARPY BITCH.

Melissa's List of Things She Has Planned For The Next Week AKA: CRAZY FUN SHIT.

Haha. So, I realized today as I was gazing at my planner trying to fit in a time to see the re-release of Avatar, that I've got massive amounts of things planned for the next week. Not even including school work or my pending field experience.

For instance,

Sunday will be spent picnicking (fingers crossed) with Christy before heading to the Loft in ATL to see Owl City :) I'm super excited about this, actually.

Monday will be spent, as always, in Rome with Meghan. I have no idea what we'll do, but I kind of hope we go back to her house again. I love playing with Bella (her dog) and watching movies (or Frasier. I'm not picky!)

Tuesday is school. :P Bleck.

Wednesday is supposed to be spent with Jesse watching ANTM. We'll see if this happens. Not because I don't love him, but because I'm generally in a "I don't want to go places" sort of mood then because it's sandwiched in by school days.

Thursday is school (again), but Thursday night consists of seeing Avatar (re-released) at the Rave with Jilly.

Friday, Christy and I will be headed to Jacksonville State to see our beloved Jenny and the following few days will consist of us trying to find something to do together that doesn't require money. (I'm hoping Jenny will find us guys who will pay for dinner, but I won't hold my breath. HAHA!)

Then, by the time I get back, it'll be time for Monday with Meghan again!

Having friends who like to make plans with me makes me super happy.

Though I do tend to notice most of my best friends live far away, which makes me sad. :(

But I gotta keep my chin up. Atleast they love me, right? :)

/endhappypost

Have You Ever Wished?

Have you ever wished that it was possible for you to take a balloon... and just take one big gulp of breath and expel all of your worries and fears and anxieties into that balloon? Then, watch as that balloon sails into the air and away from you?

I know it's childish, but I have.

I don't want to grow up.

I think this is in large part because I'm only realizing in the past few years my childhood was pretty awful.

I know I have to grow up. I know stress is a part of life. I know that I'm going to be anxious and frantic and worried for the rest of my life, but I'd really rather not.

I like to forget about my problems... do something fun... But then, when I have to settle back in the real world, my problems hit me in the face and I'm in even more deep than I once was.

I'm just... so stressed out right now. And, despite being twenty one, I feel like someone else should share this burden with me.

My parents aren't helping at all. I'm half certain they've both forgotten they even have a daughter. They're both acting selfish and worrying first and foremost about themselves.

And I hate feeling this way about my father because when we didn't have any place to go, he kept me fed and clothed and everything. He's a very good father. And I used to say he deserved to be a little selfish (because of all he sacrificed by being with mom), but at the same time, I sacrificed a lot too.

And the way he's acting now makes me feel like I'm not important to him.

He never calls. He never comes to see me.

But he can drive across the state line to see his girlfriend.

It's like he doesn't even have a daughter anymore.

And mom, well, she's never cared about anyone but herself.

She's always taught me I had to buy my friends.

I had to pretend to be someone they would want to hang out with.

That no one would ever like me for me.

Because, hey, let's face it, she didn't like me.

She stayed away as much as possible.

And I still continuously feel like there's not a single soul on this earth who truly loves me for me.

It's really hard to believe that there is when the people who are supposed to love you more than anything (your family) continuously prove that they don't even remember you exist, let alone care what you're up to.

I could be cutting.

I could be bulemic.

I could be snorting cocaine.

I could be getting STD's.

They wouldn't know.

My parents don't know me.

My parents couldn't tell you the first thing about me.

If I ever got kidnapped, the only people who would be able to give you any description that would assist in me being found would be my friends.

And I know, parent's don't generally know their children, but I doubt my parents could tell you what color my hair is. Or how I wear it. Or what kind of clothes I wear. Or who my friends are. Where I go most often.

It's sad.

I'm sad.